A group of eight skydivers over age 80 became the largest in their age group to simultaneously dive in formation during a recent jump in Florida. The Guinness Book of World Records gave commemorative plaques to the five who remembered to open their parachutes.

A grandfather was charged with leaving a toddler in the back of a returned rental car at a Florida airport. He also faces charges of $12/gallon for forgetting to fill the tank.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX said it can no longer afford to donate Starlink satellite receivers to provide internet & communication to war-torn Ukraine. Comcast/Xfinity offered to jump in, leading Ukrainians to say “nah, we’re good”.

Garbage singer Shirley Manson said in an interview she once “took a crap” on a cheating boyfriend’s breakfast cereal. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, and he is no longer cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider claims that when fellow alum Bill Murray hosted the show during his tenure, Murray “hated” cast members Schneider, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. People can’t believe that Murray would hate Sandler & Farley.

Two anti-oil activists were arrested after throwing tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’ portrait at the National Gallery in London. Curators hope that it can be fully restored by dragging the canvas with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Grocery giant Kroger agreed to buy fellow grocery company Albertson’s for $24.6 billion. The purchase entitles Kroger to their choice of a free ham or turkey with coupon.

Vladimir Putin said the call-up of Russian reservists will continue for two more weeks. Southwest Airlines said they’re Wanna Get Away? fares from Moscow to anywhere else will be extended for two more weeks.

Donald Trump indicated he would possibly testify before the January 6th committee, but only if it’s on national television, and only if it airs opposite another terrible Thursday Night Football game.

A pair of 1880s Levis jeans sold for $76,000, and were printed with an anti-Chinese phrase on the pocket “the only kind made with white labor”. A pair of 1880s Wrangler jeans made with Chinese labor sold for a budget-friendly $19.

New Jersey fishermen spotted a massive great white shark. Shark experts say it’s a teenage great white, because of its size, and because it was copying a great black shark’s dance moves and recording it for Tik Tok.

Philadelphia police blamed “contagious gunfire” for a weekend shooting on South Street. As proof of the contagion, they said over a dozen people tested positive for lead.

A petition from Michigan Republicans to stop voter fraud was voided after it was found to contain 20,000 fake signatures. They’ll regroup and renew their efforts, according to Michigan GOP chairman Mike Hunt.

Actress Neve Campbell will not appear in Scream 6, saying the salary she was offered was insufficient given her contributions to the franchise. That, and the first five left her with a really sore throat.

Apple announced iOS 16 and changes to iMessage, including the ability to unsend and edit dick pics.

Paramount Pictures, producer of Top Gun: Maverick, is being sued for copyright payments by family members of the author of an article which inspired the original Top Gun. Plaintiffs are seeking damages in the millions, although a similar suit involving the Iron Eagle movies was settled for free popcorn refills.

The CDC added four nations to its ‘high risk’ list for travel due to COVID infections: St Kitts & Nevis; Guyana; Mongolia; Namibia. Also, the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms added two destinations to their high-risk list: anywhere in Philadelpia or Chicago on Saturday nights

A mysterious radio signal emanating from a slow pulsar in outer space has astronomers baffled – despite being the 10th callers, they were unable to identify the secret sound and the Radio Jupiter prize pack grew to $6,000.

Amazon Prime Video released the first trailer for its ‘A League Of Their Own’ tv show, which promises a “deeper look at race & sexuality” in women’s pro baseball. Translation: Betty Spaghetti’s husband dies and she hooks up with her black teammate.

More PGA Tour players are resigning in order to play for the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. The first event is this weekend in London, so they’ll all be-headed there.

Nicole Young filed for divorce from rap mogul Dr. Dre, her husband of 25 years, citing irreconcilable differences. She would not elaborate, saying it’s like this and like that and like this, and uh..

Over 200 members at a Planet Fitness in West Virginia may require 14 days of quarantine after COVID-19 infections were traced there. “Skip the gym for two weeks?? Oh no!!..” they said.

The Supreme Court blocked a Louisiana law that would have made it all but impossible for women to get an abortion in the state. Next up they’ll rule on a different Louisiana law prohibiting parents from telling their daughters where babies come from.

The Mississippi state legislature voted to redo the state’s flag, removing the Confederate battle symbol. No word on the new flag, but the committee is looking for someone real good at drawing pictures of guns.

Mossimo Giannulli and Lori Loughlin resigned their membership at the Bel Air Country Club, after other members complained that they’re now felons. Coincidentally, they paid a half million dollars to get in to Bel Air CC too.

Cirque du Soleil filed for bankruptcy.  Executives plan to continue operations, but say financial management will be a real high wire act.

Scientists at University of California – Davis doing protein research accidentally cured Parkinson’s disease symptoms in mice. The mice were briefly happy, but then got pissed off at the same scientists for giving them Parkinson’s to begin with.

26 National Hockey League players tested positive for COVID-19, risking the restart of the season. They’ll each self-isolate for two weeks, plus an additional two minutes for delay of game.

Broadway theaters will remain closed until January. Sensing an opportunity from people desperate to waste money on bloated song-and-dance routines, Universal raised the price of ‘Cats’ on Blu-ray to $99.

Amazon Prime Video introduced ‘Watch Party’, where you can view content together with people in other locations. So now you can tell someone in a totally different state to shut up because you can’t hear The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

 

Two of trainer Bob Baffert’s horses tested positive for banned substances, including Kentucky Derby favorite Charlatan. Charlatan and the other horse checked themselves into a rehab pasture.

Off-price retailer Tuesday Morning is closing 230 stores and declaring bankruptcy. A judge scheduled a hearing for Tuesday morning, but executives said they’re busy then.

Nevada casinos are set to reopen at partial capacity on June 4th. They’ll feature new touchless slot machines, where you hold your credit card next to it and it just tells you how much money you lost.

New streaming service HBO Max launched. It’s expected to compete with Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Amazon Prime, YouTube Premium & others for people who look at the menu for 20 minutes and decide there’s nothing to watch.

The Federal Reserve reports massive unemployment during the pandemic is compounded by people who don’t want to return to their old jobs. They didn’t specify which jobs, only that it rhymed with ‘Glamazon Scaremouse’.

Tom Brady is selling his customized Cadillac Escalade for $300,000, just as soon as he removes the video of other NFL team practices from the DVD player.

Whisper, a 20-year-old beluga whale, gave birth to a calf at the Georgia Aquarium. Per Georgia tradition, the father is expected to return for a shotgun whale wedding.

A rare bottle of cognac sold for $146,000 at auction, thus increasing the budget for a hip-hop artist’s new video by $146,000.

Joe Biden says he hopes to announce his running mate by August 1st – so, in about two weeks.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, responding to Twitter fact-checking Donald Trump, said he doesn’t believe social media should be the ‘arbiter of truth’ – especially when there’s so much money to made peddling bullshit.

 

Apple announced that it’s acquiring Shazam. Soon you’ll be able to identify a song, be hounded to buy it on iTunes and lose it in an iOS update all in 10 minutes.

Bill Cosby was sentenced to 3-10 years in prison for his sexual assault conviction and was taken directly to prison. Later that day, a van carrying the Chippendale dancers appeared at Cosby’s suburban Philadelphia estate.

Dunkin Donuts will now be known only as Dunkin. So now when you send the intern out for coffee, you can just tell them to get it “anywhere but Dunkin”.

Millennials are cited as the reason for an 18% drop in the U.S. divorce rate. Not only because millennials are avoiding marriage, but because the ones living at home until they’re 30 are keeping their parents from divorcing.

Michael Kors is acquiring Versace for $2.1 billion, now we just have to worry about someone murdering Michael Kors.

Comcast bid $30 billion to acquire a stake in Europe’s Sky Broadcasting. “Alright! I hear great things!” said a Sky customer who’s been grossly misinformed.

Buckingham Palace is selling $40 replicas of Meghan Markle’s engagement ring. It comes with a faux diamond and a couple of curly red hairs stuck in the setting.

2018 is a record year for cases of West Nile virus. Mosquitos commemorated the achievement by popping open bottles of blood they’ve been saving for a special occasion.

“The most dangerous thing that U.S. children do as part of daily life is ride in a car,” writes Benjamin Hoffman, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Injury, Violence and Poison.  “I’ll say!” said a 7-year-old driver who crashed into a tree after hijacking the family minivan to Chuck E. Cheese.

Will Smith commemorated his 50th birthday with a bungee jump from a helicopter over the Grand Canyon. He was joined by his children and his wife, Jada, who boarded the chopper after surrendering a set of hedge clippers.

A 30-year-old Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked and picked fights with passersby in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. No one fought the guy, because they were all chikn.

Hannah Storm & Andrea Kremer will be the first female NFL broadcasting duo when they call Thursday nights Vikings/Rams game for Amazon Prime. Storm is expected to do color, and Kremer is expected to tell Storm how great that color looks on her.