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Justin Timberlake was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated in The Hamptons. Timberlake was unaware there’s been a sobriety checkpoint at the end of Billy Joel’s driveway for the last 35 years.

Today marks Juneteenth – when word of the Emancipation Proclamation resulted in the freedom of enslaved blacks. In 2024, several Abe Lincoln impersonators were hospitalized after marching down the streets of large cities holding banners reading “You’re Welcome!”.

Philadelphia convenience store chain Wawa rolled out its annual Hoagiefest promotion, with retired Eagles All-Pro Jason Kelce & wife serving as spokespersons. They share their ‘go-to’ Wawa hoagie order, which they give to the homeless so they don’t have to eat it.

Massachusetts experienced a statewide 911 outage. The timing couldn’t have been worse as first responders were unable to treat drunks falling off tables and light poles celebrating the Boston Celtics NBA Championship.

With record heat expected to continue throughout the summer, electric bills are projected to increase by 8 percent. Spousal brawls over the thermostat are projected to increase 80 percent.

Russia and North Korea entered a mutual defense pact, with Russia promising to assist in the event another country invades North Korea to steal their poverty and nothingness.

Tropical storm warnings were extended in to Texas. Waves will reach near-record highs, so immigrants entering the state illegally are advised to try surfboards.

During a recent Rolling Stones tour stop in Philadelphia, frontman Mick Jagger explored the city, spending 20 confused minutes at a cheesesteak shop saying “what do you mean ‘wit’ mate?”

In Bensalem, Pennsylvania, six volunteer fire companies are consolidating – setting the stage for what could be the world’s largest-ever pancake breakfast and chicken barbecue.

Billy Ray Cyrus shared an alleged handwritten note from his estranged wife, Firerose, where she asks for a reconciliation just days after accusing him of verbal & emotional abuse. Cyrus refused, claiming to be both too achy and too breaky.

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UPS workers reached a tentative contract agreement with the Teamsters union, ensuring Americans uninterrupted delivery of their stupid crap.

Walmart is offering refunds to shoppers who mistakenly purchased $49 Walmart+ memberships at self-checkout kiosks. In-store customer service personnel will also assist those who want to learn how to shoplift a Walmart+ membership.

51 pilot whales died in Australia, leaving thousands of passenger whales stranded at Whale Airport.

A ship carrying 3,000 cars caught fire off the coast of the Netherlands. It’s considered a total loss, including hundreds of self-driving electric cars trying to escape that drove themselves in to the ocean and drowned.

Many social media influencers are ceasing to create content in sympathy with the ongoing strikes of the Screen Actors Guild and Writers Guild of America – leaving them confused at how to do even less than they’re already kind of doing.

A Texas couple is suing the owner of a Maryland AirBNB for $75,000 after discovering hidden cameras in the bathroom of their rental, which captured the couple having sex. The owner offered to settle for $750, since the movie wasn’t that great.

Mick Jagger turned 80, and looks just as great as Keith Richards did at 30.

Paris will allow swimming in the River Seine for the first time in 100 years, since it was closed to swimmers due to bacterial contamination. Parisians emerging from the river after a swim aren’t expected to smell much different.

The River Seine will first be used for the swimming portion of events at the 2024 Summer Olympics, so world class athletes will be the first to go in-Seine.

The mummified remains of two sisters and one sister’s teen son were identified following their discovery at a remote Colorado campground. They had told friends they planned to live ‘off the grid’ – which they did, until they also died off it.

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Shakira said she was attacked by wild boars who stole her purse while walking in Barcelona, but that it was still a better experience than meeting Harvey Weinstein to discuss a possible movie role.

Mick Jagger reportedly went unnoticed while visiting the Thirsty Beaver bar in Charlotte, North Carolina. Meanwhile a conflicting report claims a 78-year-old British guy was kicked out for strutting around like a chicken.

Dancing With The Stars professional dancer Cheryl Burke and her partner, Peloton instructor Cody Rigsby, both tested positive for COVID-19, despite each getting a paso doble-dose of vaccine.

Irmgard Furcher, the 96-year-old Nazi secretary who’d fled prior to her court trial to face concentration-camp murders, was captured and remanded to custody. She faces life in prison, or 90 days, whichever comes first.

McDonald’s is bringing back McRib, as the CDC expresses concern over the U.S.’ ability to handle another national health crisis.

Amazon introduced Astro, a new personal robot. It sells for $999, and completed extensive rigorous testing from Amazon warehouse employees tasking it with emptying their urine bottles.

Customs officials in Philadelphia seized $6.5 million in counterfeit U.S. currency from Russia, after confusing it with their annual bribe.

El Salvador is using energy from volcanoes to mine Bitcoin. Although a dozen miners died plugging the computers into the volcano.

The City of Philadelphia’s plastic bag ban begins today, leading to price hikes on street drugs as dealers scramble to find tiny paper bags.

Walt Disney World opened 50 years ago today, an anniversary celebrated by a now-70-year-old couple who arrived on opening day, and have almost reached the front of the line for Space Mountain.