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Alex Smith, the NFL Comeback Player of the Year in 2020, is expected to be waived by the Washington Football Team, making him eligible for 2021 Cutback Player of the Year.

Health experts seeking inclusivity for transgender and non-binary parents are using the term “chest milk” instead of “breast milk”. “Whatever, we’re starving here” said babies.

Two women were injured when their car became airborne and wedged between two New Jersey Turnpike tollbooths at Exit 14C in Jersey City. First responders believe the driver was attempting to use the Difficult Pass lane. [Story h/t to John L.!]

Mitt Romney was knocked unconscious and received stitches after taking a fall in Boston over the weekend. Donald Trump then put his Mitt Romney voodoo doll back in the drawer.

NASA’s Mars Perseverance rover uses the same computer processor as an iMac computer manufactured in 1998 – which explains its email address RoverDude98@aol.com.

Dental x-ray scanners were used to read a handwritten letter from the year 1697 without opening it, which begins “Dearest Penthouse Forum, you shant not believe what happened…”

Researchers at the Technion Israel Institute of Technology created a black hole in their lab, which has been great for advancing science, but not so great considering how many workers lost the coffee and lunches they set on it.

A woman in Japan reportedly died after receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. A cause of death has not been established, but they suspect it’s the speeding bus that hit her.

Dr. Seuss’ estate says six of his books will stop being published because of racist and insensitive imagery, including ‘Horton Hears All Lives Matter’ and ‘Oh, The Neighborhoods You’ll Never Go’.

The owner of a cockfighting rooster in India died when the blade attached to the bird’s foot severed his artery. The cocks were asked to observe a moment of silence, but didn’t know how.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters he believes May 1st is “a bit optimistic”. He was referring not only to a date for reopening the U.S. economy, but also how long he expects to keep his job.

Al Jazeera reports ten women are rumored to be on Joe Biden’s list of potential vice presidents, pared down from a much longer list in binders he borrowed from Mitt Romney.

A Utah woman is selling face masks covered in images of penises to raise money for her charity. Her biggest customers are Catholic priests who miss seeing altar boys.

Hank Steinbrenner, son of the late George Steinbrenner and co-chairperson of the New York Yankees, died in Florida at age 63. Before he died, team officials gathered at his bedside for a final ceremony to fire Billy Martin.

If coronavirus postpones the NFL season, a third of cable TV customers say they’ll cancel. Two-thirds say they’ll wait until after the U.S. Cornhole Championships on ESPN2.

Google Wear OS smartwatches are adding notifications to wash your hands every three hours, and additional notifications for wearers of non-waterproof devices to buy a new watch.

A 93-year-old woman who held up a sign at her front door reading “I NEED MORE BEER” received a free 10-case shipment of Coors Light in a week. She’s now drunk and holding up a sign reading “I NEED TO GET LAID”.

A female Philadelphia prison inmate who died in custody had COVID-19, but prison officials claim she had an underlying condition. Asked what the condition was, they said “a dozen stab wounds”.

Disney+ is being criticized for covering Daryl Hannah’s bare buttocks with digital hair extensions in the 1984 film Splash. They’re also angering 60 year old starlets who didn’t get the part back then because of their hairy ass.

U.S. residents’ stimulus checks are being delayed because Donald Trump insisted his name be on each of them. Barron Trump and Eric Trump are being treated for carpal tunnel syndrome.

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A study of 182 men and women with sleep apnea showed that use of a CPAP machine & mask can improve sex lives — just not oral sex.

The Washington Post reported that the United States lost 1,475 immigrant children last year, and that the Immigration & Naturalization Department has been inundated with questions from parents asking to sign their kids up for this program.

22-year-old Mamoudou Gassama is a hero after viral video showed him climbing four stories of balconies on a Paris building to rescue a 4-year-old child dangling from a balcony. The child’s father was reportedly playing Pokemon Go at the time, and when he saw his child’s predicament, he dropped his phone, leaving a Squirtle to fall to its death.

Hulk Hogan apologized after mistakenly tweeting that Jackass’ co-star Bam Margera had died. Hogan later tweeted that he had confused Jackass’ Ryan Dunn, who is dead, with Margera’s career.

Over 8,000 Starbucks locations are closed today for racial bias training, resulting in 24-hour delays in the completion of tens of thousands of awesome novels and screenplays.

Mormon Mitt Romney said that Donald Trump “is not a role model” for his grandkids. Romney added that, yes, Trump has had three wives, but not all at the same time.

At Napa Valley’s BottleRock music festival, Snoop Dogg set the Guinness World Record for mixing the largest glass of gin & juice. However, thousands of festivalgoers were turned away from sharing it, ’cause they brought they cups but they ain’t chipped in.

President Donald Trump is placing 25% tariffs on $50 Billion in Chinese-made goods. The list of items will be announced on June 15th, after Trump has had time to make sure his hotels and golf courses have everything they need.

Tom Garrett, Republican U.S. Representative from Virginia, will not seek reelection and will undergo treatment for alcoholism. “Pussy” said a spokesperson for the Kennedy family.

Uber is testing a new Emergency Call feature in its app, that – with the press of a button – notifies police if a rider is in trouble. So far the 911-like feature has resulted in the police rescue of dozens of riders who didn’t like the radio station or needed the air conditioning adjusted.

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Google’s Chrome web browser released an update to block ads deemed most annoying by a coalition of internet users.  Porn sites immediately complained of difficulty notifying the winners of free iPads and $500 gift cards.

A new experimental treatment completely reversed Alzheimer’s Disease in mice by reducing levels of a single enzyme in the animals’ brains. “Now I remember where the cheese is!” said a cured mouse before running to his death in a baited trap.

Amy Schumer and new boyfriend, award-winning chef Chris Fischer, married on Tuesday in Malibu, California. The couple have only dated three months, but Schumer knew he was ‘the one’ once he made it through 25 minutes of The Leather Special. 

The White House said that President Trump is planning a visit to the site of the latest deadly school shooting. Not because children died from gun violence, he was just headed to Florida, anyway.

  • The President will meet with families at a $1,000-a-Condolence dinner at Mar-A-Lago.

Mitt Romney announced that he’s running for a Senate seat in Utah. Romney, a Mormon, is the consensus nominee for the Shoo-In Party.

Actor Alexander Polinsky joined his costar Nicole Eggert in leveling charges of on-set abuse against Scott Baio, leading investigators to question if Charles was in charge, who was in charge of Charles?

A woman who didn’t want to let go of her purse knelt on all fours and followed it through a pre-boarding x-ray machine at a train station in China. She was jailed for exceeding the 3 ounce limit with a bottle of hand lotion.

Charles Barkley admitted in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel that he played a game “blasted” drunk after day-drinking to celebrate a trade from the Philadelphia 76ers to the L.A. Lakers that fell through. Although, at the time, people could tell Barkley was disoriented because he can be seen in game footage trying to play defense.

Disney announced that Toy Story Land, the new themed addition to Disney’s Hollywood Studios Orlando, will open on June 30. Parents are disappointed that there won’t be a bar where they could go to catch a Buzz and get a Woody.

The White House dismissed a New Yorker article exposing Donald Trump’s “system” for concealing infidelity as fake news. “Why would he cheat with Karen McDougal when he already had a woman with brown hair?” said a spokesperson.

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A USA Today story highlights that many of the drones people bought for Christmas have gone missing during flight. Users are upset at the money they spent, and the lost video footage of neighborhood women changing clothes.

Boeing revealed a prototype drone capable of hauling 500 pounds. The drone’s most recent test flight at max payload successfully delivered the President and his golf clubs to Florida.

CVS has banned photo manipulation for pictures appearing on beauty brands in its stores. Activists consider this a huge victory in the fight against unrealistic body images, and a huge defeat for models with zits.

Mitt Romney said that President Trump’s comments that certain foreign nations were “shitholes” is ‘antithetical to American values’. Trump clapped back saying that he was not anti-thetical, before asking an aide if “theticals” meant black people.

A Pegasus Airlines jet carrying 168 passengers slid off the runway at Turkey’s Trabzon airport and dangled nose down off of an adjacent cliff. No passengers were injured, but the captain announced that they were last in line for takeoff.

Actor and comedian Aziz Ansari issued an apology for trying to get laid.

ESPN announced a new morning show to compete with major networks. The 3-hour program, ‘Get Up’, will be hosted by Michelle Beadle, Mike Greenberg, and Jalen Rose. ESPN promises viewers interactive segments, like guessing which host will be the first one fired for sexual misconduct.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders accused Amazon’s Alexa voice assistant of shipping her an order for an $80 Batman toy because her 2-year-old repeatedly shouted “Batman”.  President Trump repeatedly denied saying “shithole” in an Oval Office DACA meeting, but his order history showed Alexa shipped a child’s training toilet to the White House.

The Emergency Management worker who mistakenly activated an incoming ballistic missile warning for Hawaii has been reassigned. He now greets tourists at the airport, puts a lei on their neck and tells them “it’s been nice knowing you.”

Amazon announced that it’s upgrading Alexa to offer not just facts and recommendations, but ‘her’ own opinion on TV shows, beer and more – followed by extended periods of silence toward guys when they ignore it.