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A Florida man died on the operating table when his surgeon reportedly removed the patient’s liver instead of his spleen. The surgeon said he wasn’t feeling well that day after his eating his breakfast of spleen & onions.

Comcast/NBCUniversal agreed to pay $2.45 billion per year to air NBA games, and an extra half-billion to make sure none of them are Washington Wizards games.

A new strain of monkeypox was discovered in Africa. It now includes gorillas.

Donald Trump said that crime in the U.S. is so bad, “you can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread – you get shot, you get mugged, you get raped..” Trump said the lesson is to buy bread on the side of the street you’re already on.

A toddler was reportedly served alcohol during a meal at a California restaurant. Investigators are still trying to determine how the vodka got in the kid’s sippy cup.

An attendee reportedly died on Day 1 of the Burning Man Festival. First responders called it a “sick burn”.

The World Health Organization claimed 70% of baby food fails to meet their nutritional standards. They then retracted the report after discovering they weren’t testing “baby food”, they were testing “Kids Meals”.

Lululemon recalled all of their new Breezethrough leggings, after women complained of an unflattering fit, and about the thick fabric not letting their posterior breeze through.

Walmart recalled apple juice over high arsenic levels. “Who wants a 10th glass of apple juice?? ” asked a mom of 3 kids looking to lower the household budget.

Typing “”:: reportedly crashes iPhones. Men & women are now busily borrowing their parents iPhones so they can type “”:: into them.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX who’s currently facing fraud charges, said he knew “basically nothing” about crypto before starting the business. Which gives him something in common with 99% of current cryptocurrency investors.

Kylie Jenner said she’s earned PETA’s recommendation for her clothing line because she uses vegan leather. Kylie said she made sure all the cows killed for their leather were vegans.

A bear spotted near the Plymouth Meeting Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs has been captured and relocated – opening up a part-time position at Lids.

Financial services firm Bloomberg declared Taylor Swift a billionaire. Local banks declared thousands of Taylor Swift ticket-purchasers practically broke.

An Artificial Intelligence model can predict the recurrence of Crohn’s Disease. But Crohn’s sufferers say it isn’t much good until it can concurrently give the location of the nearest restroom.

Comcast and Disney are fighting over the value of Hulu prior to Disney buying Comcast’s one-third share. Disney says it’s worth $27 billion, Comcast says it’s worth more, and households are saying it’s not worth 15 bucks and cancelling.

The Centers for Disease Control voted to recommend an mpox (formerly monkeypox) vaccine for gay men and other U.S. residents. The gay men are cooperating, allthough zookeepers are struggling to administer the vaccine to anti-vax monkeys.

Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, SKIMS, introduced a bra with a nipple built in to the cup. Kardashian joked that women wearing the bra will always “look cold” – and will probably also look like they’ll get that big promotion at work.

Camden, New Jersey is using virtual reality headsets to teach first responders and other officials how to give Narcan to opioid overdose victims. They say the VR simulation is incredibly realistic, because it includes a simulation of getting carjacked afterward.

New York City set up a ‘ticketing center’ to give illegal immigrants one-way airfares to other U.S. cities. The immigrants are glad to get the airline tickets, but are having a tough time getting the $60 for an Uber to the airport.

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New York State passed a law raising the minimum age to 21 in order to purchase or own a semi-automatic rifle. NRA parents are now left scrambling to find gifts for high-school graduation parties.

Queen Elizabeth pulled out of her scheduled appearance at a St. Paul’s Cathedral service during her Platinum Jubilee, citing “discomfort”. Other old British ladies were thrilled to have a new excuse they, too, could use to blow off two dismal hours at church.

The United Nations recognized the nation of Turkey’s official name change to Turkiye, pronounced tur-key-yay, and the condiment of Gravy’s official name change to Graviye.

COO Sheryl Sandberg announced she’s leaving Facebook parent company Meta, and that she’s under investigation for using company resources to plan her wedding. She runs Facebook, but still needed three Facebook software developers to figure out the privacy settings for the wedding event.

Apple claims its upcoming iPad OS 16 tablet operating system will finally make iPads effectively replace laptops. Because the software weighs four pounds.

The Philadelphia Phillies fired manager Joe Girardi. The team is now seven games under .500, but the last straw was Girardi testing positive for monkeypox.

NASA selected Axiom Space and Collins Aerospace to develop the next spacesuits for astronauts working outside the International Space Station (ISS), edging out Carhartt and Wrangler.

Law enforcement officials in Uvalde, Texas now claim 911 call information from terrified children “never reached” the police chief on-site – thanks to a Texas law requiring school children to answer each other’s 911 calls.

LIV Golf, the upstart professional golf league backed by the Saudi Arabian government, is rumored to have paid Dustin Johnson $125 million to join. Or, about a thousand times what they pay for guys to execute foreign journalists.

A new study finds 17 & 18 year olds should have one-to-two hours of screen time per day on weekdays, and two-to-three hours on weekends, to be emotionally well-adjusted. Males should spend most of their time on social media and websites, and an efficient 90 seconds on porn.