WNBA star Britney Griner was released from a Russian detention camp and will return to the U.S. in a prisoner swap for a convicted Russian arms dealer, after the Russians repeatedly refused the U.S.’ offer of Ben Simmons.

The Taliban staged their first public execution since retaking control of their country – angering citizens who had tuned in expecting to see the latest installment of Afghanistan’s Got Talent.

A Florida man was arrested for having sex with a dog, and wrecking a nearby church nativity display. Other neighborhood dogs were warned to be on the lookout for Manger Danger.

Singer Celine Dion cancelled concerts, saying she’s been diagnosed with a neurological condition called ‘stiff person syndrome’. Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said it never stopped him.

Google will combine the personnel of their two navigation apps, Google Maps and Waze, resulting in dozens of employees receiving directions to the nearest unemployment office.

The FBI criticized Apple’s move to implement end-to-end encryption on user data stored via iCloud, so that only authorized devices can decrypt it. They cited as evidence the Oath Keepers decision to switch executive Christmas gifts from AR-15s to iPhone 14s.

Nantucket legalized topless beaches for all genders, meaning more male beachgoers can potentially qualify to be that guy in the limerick.

Elon Musk criticized the City of San Francisco for investigating Twitter offices after he installed beds for “tired workers”. The city just wants to make sure nobody is having sex in Office SpaceXXX.

Actress Christina Applegate revealed how she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, saying it “sucked balls”. Her doctor was quick to point out that’s not really how you get MS.

A puppy survived after swimming across the Hudson River from New York until it was rescued under a New Jersey pier. Although the puppy admitted it didn’t exactly swim the whole way, it was able to walk on floating bodies for long stretches of the trip.

Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.