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Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

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Alabamians decide between Republican Roy Moore and Democrat Doug Jones to see which man represents the state in the U.S. Senate. While some project a record turnout, others are not as confident, once residents learned that voting won’t count as credit toward their GED or community service.

Veteran NPR host Tom Ashbrook has been suspended for sexual misconduct, accused of giving “creepy sex talks and unwanted back and neck rubs” – made possible via a generous grant from Exxon/Mobil.

President Trump recorded a robocall endorsement of GOP candidate Moore that went out to Alabama residents on Sunday. It would have gone out sooner, but Trump said the robot didn’t meet him on the golf course like he’d asked.

Speaking at a pre-election rally, Roy Moore’s wife Kayla addressed critics who say her husband doesn’t support blacks or Jews by asserting that “one of our lawyers is a Jew.” And “I think a couple of our ‘Bama running backs are blacks.”

SpaceX is sending barley seeds to the International Space Station, as part of a research project for Budweiser. Although the astronauts conducting the research are asking that they be paid for it with “good” beer.

NFL Network suspended current studio analysts Marshall Faulk, Ike Taylor and Heath Evans after a former wardrobe stylist sued the network for sexual harassment. A judge in the case issued a gag order on puns involving “pass” “run” and “illegal use of hands.”

Facebook is reemphasizing the Poke, an early feature that users could click to get another Facebook friend’s attention. So go ahead and Poke that woman you’ve never met in real life and see how that works out for you.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson announced via Instagram that he and girlfriend Lauren Hashian are expecting a baby girl.  No word on the due date, just a teaser poster of the infant soaring out of the birth canal behind the wheel of a 600 horsepower Dodge Challenger.

Personal injury attorney Thomas J. Henry threw a $4 million dollar birthday party for his son’s 18th birthday, featuring celebrity appearances, performances by Diplo and Migos, and the gift of a new blue Ferrari. Asked if there was anything he didn’t get, the birthday boy said “a hug.”

President Trump signed an executive order to put U.S. astronauts back on the moon. Trump said “we will .. plant our flag and leave our footprint, then pull the flag out so I can finish putting.”

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Japanese marketing firm Piala announced it will give employees six more paid days off if they quit smoking. Non-smokers are busily taking up the habit so they can quit in time for summer vacation.

NYC terror suspect Sayfullo Saipov was charged while in his hospital bed, and told prosecutors he wanted an ISIS flag to hang in his hospital room. Police became even angrier when they found ISIS flags for sale in the hospital’s gift shop.

Newly single Selena Gomez sparked rumors when she attended a rec league hockey game featuring her ex, Justin Bieber. After the game, Gomez left in Bieber’s car wearing his game jersey. Later on, Gomez was called for holding; Bieber for high sticking.

The head of NPR’s news division, Michael Oreskes, has resigned amid sexual harassment allegations. Several current and former staffers have come forward to describe Oreskes’ unwelcome sexual advances, made in between jazz saxophone riffs and uncomfortably long silences.

Kevin Spacey’s acting tutorial was removed from online instructional hub MasterClass, replaced by a GIF reading ‘Do This’, followed by a balding gay guy rolling his eyes and looking smug.

Oprah Winfrey released her annual holiday list of Favorite Things in O – The Oprah Magazine. At 102 items long, it’s her biggest list ever. Readers added their own 103rd Favorite Thing – the gift receipt to return the stuff on the list.

President Trump declared Saipov an animal, calling for his execution and saying the criminal justice system was a ‘joke’ and a ‘laughingstock’. His sentiments were privately echoed by Robert Mueller, who said he should have been done removing Trump months ago.

North Korean state news shared video of Kim Jong Un touring a cosmetics factory along with his wife Ri Sol Ju. North Korea’s first lady was there to get some new makeup for their upcoming date night at the nuclear missile silo.

Modern Family actress Sarah Hyland responded to a fan on Twitter confirming that her character Haley Dunphy is bisexual. Show producers haven’t responded, but did confirm an upcoming episode where Haley shops for a Mini Cooper.

A 48-year-old woman and 28-year-old man engaged in a sex act on a Delta flight will likely face fines, not jail or other penalties. Passengers complained that the woman performing oral sex on the man was distracting them while they tried to watch porn on their tablets.