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Bitcoin has become the preferred payment for sex workers. So now being a ‘two-Bit’ hooker means you earn around $85,000.

Asian actress Awkwafina left Twitter amidst heavy criticism of her using a ‘blaccent’ in her performances. Which isn’t so bad, considering black or white performers using Asian accents can expect to be cancelled altogether.

Guns N Roses frontman Axl Rose turned 60. “Take me down to Paradise City, where the grass is…damnit, slow down! I want to get there in one piece!!” said Rose.

Spirit Airlines & Frontier Airlines plan to merge. They’ll adopt the name of whichever carrier’s team of frequent flyers wins a midair brawl.

When the January 6th Committee subpeonaed the National Archives for Trump White House documents, some needed to be retrieved from Mar A Lago because Trump had taken them there. He explained that he kept some papers because Kim Kardashian sat on them by mistake when she visited the Oval Office.

New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara was arrested and charged with battery of a patron at a Las Vegas nightclub following the Pro Bowl. If he beats up the same person again, he’ll face rechargeable battery.

New Jersey & Delaware set timelines to end mask mandates for schoolchildren. Philadelphia public schools also set their timeline: whenever a kid drops out.

Samsung announced their new Galaxy series of smartphones will use plastic made from recycled fishing nets. So when they burst into flames it’ll smell like a bonfire on the beach.

The Miami Dolphins hired San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Mike McDaniel to be their next head coach. McDaniel was selected over several other finalists, including Rooney Rule interviewee The Wise Black Janitor From ‘Rudy’.

Two dozen people were poisoned at a Russian hospital after being ordered to drink ‘battery fluid’ before x-rays of their digestive tract. Hospital workers then hooked jumper cables to their nipples to start their frozen cars.

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Bruce Willis and John Travolta are in Hawaii filming bounty-hunter action pic ‘Paradise City’ – the first time they’ve starred in the same movie since ‘Pulp Fiction’, and the first time Netflix has said “no thanks” to a movie idea.

An unruly Delta Air Lines passenger was fined $52,500 for trying to enter the cockpit, punching a flight attendant, and refusing to comply with crew members instructions – specifically, the instruction to stop punching them.

COVID vaccine trials are underway for children ages 5 & under. It’s that shrieking noise you’re hearing.

Florida raised the legal age for smoking & vaping to 21, angering thousands of 20-year-old Florida high school students.

Trainer Bob Baffert is suspended from entering his racehorses in New York State after numerous doping allegations. In other news, Kentucky Derby winner Medina Spirit entered rehab.

Comedian John Mulaney, who announced he’s getting divorced, is rumored to be dating actress Olivia Munn. Mulaney isn’t losing a wife, he’s gaining 2 or 3 cup sizes.

Some ‘foodies’ are planning to eat BroodX cicadas once they emerge this month. “Come on, man, we haven’t had a vacation in 17 years” say cicadas.

Donald Trump collected $65,000 in pension payments from the federal government since leaving office in January. Which is a lot of money for new golf clubs.

Jaden Smith is partnering with New Balance on the $150 Vision Racer X sneaker. It’s the perfect shoe for 60-year-olds who are inspired by 22-year-olds that aren’t at all athletic.

Joe Rogan said on his podcast that woke/cancel culture will “be the end of straight, white men”. His predominantly straight, white audience agrees, but feels they’ve had a pretty good 500-or-so-year run.