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Paleontologists say they’ve discovered the first preserved dinosaur butthole. They describe it as “unique”, “perfect”, and “tough enough to withstand the 10-foot long backbones of the other dinosaurs it ate”.

Donald Trump gave his final goodbye speech, telling a small crowd of supporters that he’ll be “back in some form”. Las Vegas oddsmakers believe that form will be either “convicted felon” or “bipedal lizard”.

Federal investigators added two more charges to Riley June Williams, the woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop. Video evidence was provided by Williams’ ex-boyfriend, who will be the first person to collect reward money for online stalking.

Pfizer told Canada it won’t receive any shipments of COVID-19 vaccines next week, since it needs more time to make them maple flavored.

Alec Baldwin left Twitter, making his portrayal of Donald Trump more accurate.

Warner Brothers announced a ‘prequel’ to ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’, to be released in 2023, called ‘Willy Wonka, Dwarf Collector‘.

Indianapolis Colts QB Philip Rivers announced his retirement after 17 NFL seasons, saying it’s safe to do so now that his 9 kids are all out of diapers.

A new study finds residents of multi-unit dwellings are more likely to contract COVID-19 – especially if the multi-unit dwelling has “senior” or “nursing” in its name.

Ivanka Trump wrote a self-congratulatory farewell letter to Washington, claiming she’d come there to “fight for American families” – specifically, the Trumps and Kushners.

Of the 100+ pardons issued by President Trump, there was none for ‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic, or ‘Lawyer King’ Rudy Eccentric.

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An Iowa school district is nixing time-consuming Valentine’s Day celebrations and is instead hosting “Give Love” parties. Several teachers started early, having “give love” parties with individual students in their classrooms and cars.

White House spiritual adviser Paula White claims viral video of her praying for “all satanic pregnancies to miscarry” was ‘taken out of context’. She added that, to fully understand it, you’d need to see the entire speech at her niece’s 8th birthday party.

Chipotle restaurants were cited for over 13,000 child labor law violations by the state of Massachusetts and fined $1.3 million. “Those teenage workers cost a little bit extra, is that okay?” said the Attorney General.

New research claims cancer patients who were given psychedelic ‘magic mushroom’ drug psilocybin five years ago still benefit from the drug’s positive impact on their anxiety and depression. Researchers said another positive impact came from the patients not dying of cancer.

New York City public health officials say it’s only a matter of time before the deadly Wuhan coronavirus appears in the city. Locals are already taking precautions, as evidenced by the increasing numbers of rats wearing facemasks.

Antivirus software maker Avast has reportedly been capturing users web browsing data and selling it. “Shiver me timbers! Those scalliwags know me porn preferences!” said Avast users.

The Los Angeles Chargers released Philip Rivers, their quarterback for the last sixteen seasons. Rivers is expected to look for another team instead of throwing in the towel, because the towel would probably be intercepted, anyway.

The New York Police Department has a $10 million lab devoted to cracking the encryption of iPhones confiscated during crimes. So far they’ve succeeded gathering evidence from phones encrypted with birthdays and single digits added to ‘password’.

Walmart is testing higher starting wages for employees in some stores. The new “team associate” role starts at $12/hour instead of the standard $11/hour. The extra $40/wk is expected to attract more appealing candidates who demand a luxury lifestyle.

The Supreme Court approved a plan allowing immigrants to be screened based on their wealth. To beat the system, more and more destitute people have been seen crossing the U.S./Mexico border with top hats, monocles and walking sticks.