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Nevada police are investigating a violent incident at Circus Circus Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip, where three people were Shot Shot.

A man invented a robot that puts on and removes his contact lenses. The robot puts them on in the morning, and takes them out at night after they’ve finished having sex.

An 8-year-old Texas boy won $500 for capturing the Kid’s Division in the National Mullet Championship. The Adult Division was postponed due to conflicts with post-election militia meetings.

Donald Trump has not yet conceded defeat in the presidential election. Jared Kushner asked him to reconsider, and Melania Trump asked him to accept defeat and divorce papers.

An earthquake was felt near Boston. Experts confirmed it was, in fact, a seismological event after learning the Patriots hadn’t lost again.

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek passed away at age 80. His wife and heirs await the reading of his Final Jeopardy! to see what he wagered on each of them. [RIP Alex Trebek.]

McDonald’s will try out new automatic-order-taking lanes at drive-thrus, for the thousands of customers who have difficulty placing orders while drunk.

Pfizer claims to have a COVID-19 vaccine that’s 90% effective in human trials. They plan to release more details right after the 10th guy’s autopsy.

Jay & Kateri Schwandt of Grand Rapids, Michigan welcomed baby daughter Maggie, their first girl after having 14 sons. They expect toilet training to be a challenge, after Maggie repeatedly runs out of the bathroom when it’s finally her turn.

Columbia and Cornell University researchers have developed a nasal spray that kills the coronavirus – but you really, really need to like the smell of Lysol.

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Peloton recalled pedals from exercise cycles, saying they could injure owners who trip over them while hanging laundry on the bikes.

Chicago was named “America’s rattiest city” – with the most recorded rat infestations – for the sixth straight year. New York City’s Pizza Rat proved to be no match for Chicago’s Deep Dish Pizza Rat.

A Texas executive was charged with the largest tax evasion scheme in history, hiding over $2 billion in income. He is currently deciding between fleeing the country or running for President.

A 14-year-old girl won $25,000 for development of a potential treatment for COVID-19, and pocketed another $500 from classmates hoping to sit next to her during the science test.

Instagram fitness influencer Dmitriy Stuzhuk – who claimed COVID-19 wasn’t real – died of COVID-19. His profile was updated to reflect he’s now a sickness influencer.

A sexual assault suspect was arrested in Los Angeles after barricading himself in a building on the Paramount Pictures studio lot. “Come out, we’ve got you surrounded, Weinstein!” said cops.

UFC fighter Kenny Ortega returned from a two year absence to defeat ‘The Korean Zombie’ Chan Sung Jung. Ortega beat the Zombie’s brains out, then the Zombie ate them.

Kim Kardashian was interviewed by David Letterman, and refused to tell him who she was voting for in the Presidential election. Kardashian said she expects to cast her ballot right before Christmas.

CVS is hiring over 10,000 pharmacy technicians to deal with increased traffic from flu vaccines, COVID-19 tests, and refilling 72-inch receipts in checkout registers.

NASA and Nokia are putting a 4G cell phone network on the Moon. They’re also building a Boost Mobile store there for astronauts who have so-so credit scores.