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Heavy metal contamination of applesauce pouches that led to an FDA recall may have been deliberate. Although workers at the applesauce factory thought something completely different when a worker threatened to give people a belly full of lead.

Parents of students at Norristown High School in suburban Philadelphia are concerned about frequent fistfights at the school. Gym teachers say kids prefer doing that in class to jumping jacks & push-ups.

Guy Fieri said he won’t leave any of his money to his two sons unless they each get two degrees – presumably a bachelor’s and a postgraduate. He quickly added that Master’s degrees from Flavortown University don’t count.

Actor Jonathan Majors was found guilty of misdemeanor assault & harassment for attacking his ex-girlfriend, and was immediately dropped as Kang The Conqueror by Marvel Studios. The court failed to accept Majors defense that his girlfriend was wearing a Captain Marvel costume.

Kelly Clarkson showed off her 50-pound weight loss in a snug top & skirt on her talk show, before singing her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone‘ to a hot fudge sundae.

A U.S. Senate report says U.S. terror watchlists are “too broad” and may violate travelers rights. “You’re telling me” said an Iraqi-American dad who’s failed six times trying to fly his family to Disney World.

A dress worn by Princess Diana sold for a record $1.14 million. Meghan Markle immediately sent Prince Harry back to London to see what else his mother might have left laying around.

NASA used a laser to transmit a cat video 19 million miles to Earth. Hearing the good news, astronauts aboard the International Space Station are taking turns using the laser to transmit their boob & dick pics to Earthbound loved ones.

Disney’s Animal Kingdom in Florida welcomed the first African elephant baby born in the park in 7 years. A GoFundMe was started for the baby elephant so it could afford to eat at Disney.

A volcano erupted in Iceland, sending molten rock 300 feet into the air. “Nope” said Santa Claus, crossing Reykjavik off his travel itinerary.

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A Pennsylvania plumber drove 22 hours to help Texas families in crisis after the recent deep freeze. Taking his cue from local gas & electric utilities, he’s fixing burst pipes for $20,000 each.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato head will become gender neutral, and asked to be called Them Potatoes.

Twitter announced its new Super Followers feature, allowing users to charge followers for “premium” tweet content. They’re also testing Super Blockers, where users pay to never see content from terrible comedians or politicians ever again.

Los Angeles Police are investigating the possibility that Lady Gaga’s kidnapped dogs were targeted in a ransom plot. They’re seeking to question her neighbor’s cat, who is so far refusing to cooperate.

Tiger Woods was transferred from UCLA Harbor Medical Center to Cedars-Sinai, where he will continue treatment and therapy under the supervision of younger, hotter nurses.

‘Harry Potter’ star Emma Watson is reportedly giving up acting. Kristen Stewart, currently filming a Princess Diana biopic, is also giving up acting, but continuing to work in movies.

Best Buy laid off 5,000 workers, but is hiring additional part-time workers once they complete training to respond to customer’s questions with “I don’t know”.

Birkenstock was sold to a private firm co-owned by Europe’s richest man, who enjoys seeing hipsters’ gross feet.

Meat substitute company Beyond Meat has struck deals with McDonald’s and Taco Bell. They’ll supply McDonald’s new McPlant burger, and Taco Bell with a to-be-determined source of diarrhea.

A Los Angeles area man was reunited with his lost cat, who had disappeared 15 years earlier. The man fed the cat, and then it left him again.