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A Canadian man built a working submarine in his garage as a pandemic project. It can reach depths of 400 feet and carries 72 hours of oxygen. He stars in the thrilling new documentary ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Golf Course Water Hazard’.

While allegedly seeking a presidential pardon, Congressman Matt Gaetz’s friend Joel Greenberg admitted in a letter that they paid underage women for sex. Instead of a pardon, Donald Trump sent back a framed letter of congratulations.

During the first round of the NFL Draft, thanks to COVID vaccinations & testing, Commissioner Roger Goodell resumed his tradition of hugging draft picks. However, all kisses were on the cheek, and only with consent.

Joe Biden visited Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station to promote his new infrastructure plan, and commemorate Amtrak’s 50th Anniversary. His train from Washington was late, and arrived in time to commemorate Amtrak’s 51st Anniversary.

Fudi is a new fast-food concept restaurant offering a 100% plant-based menu. Instead of a drive-thru, it has a drive-by.

Apple is addressing concerns that its new AirTags – which you attach to devices to see their location – can be used by stalkers to follow victims. Apple said if you’re worried you’re being stalked, just drop the AirTag on the ground and it will break.

A handcuffed murder suspect who escaped police at Atlanta International Airport was captured. Oddly enough, it was just after he cleared the TSA PreCheck line.

Five people were arrested in the shooting of Lady Gaga’s dog walker and theft of her two dogs. The dogs are expected to testify, but someone has to say “speak” first.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyer said she’s sleep deprived and suffered a black eye while in prison. Apparently there isn’t a lot of room to sleepwalk.

A Texas man died while mowing his lawn after being attacked by Africanized killer bees. Texas Republicans are seeking to have the bees deported.

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Steven Spielberg is developing ‘Blackhawk’, a superhero movie for the DC Comics Cinematic Universe. It’s the first time that fanboys have had the opportunity to tell Spielberg his movie sucks before he even starts making it.

A boy asked Pope Francis if his deceased atheist father is in heaven. Replied the Pope, “I don’t know – was he hot?”

Senator Ted Cruz authored a message where he admiringly refers to President Trump as “a flash-bang grenade”. Meaning, Trump flashes porn stars and Playboy Playmates before banging them behind his wife’s back.

Roger Stone, a former adviser to President Trump, addressed the death of Barbara Bush by calling her a “nasty drunk”, continuing “(she) drank so much booze, if they cremated her…her body would burn for three days.” Stone posted the comments on Instagram in advance of his weekend induction to the Catty Bitch Hall of Fame.

A Monroe, Louisiana woman arrived home after work to find another woman had broken into her home and was still there, taking a bath and eating Cheetos. The burglar was arrested; the homeowner is still trying to scrub orange dust off of her bathtub.

Miguel Diaz-Canel was named the new President of Cuba after a vote in the National Assembly, narrowly edging out Pitbull.

Former Playboy model Karen McDougal, alleged to have had an affair with Donald Trump, was freed from a deal with National Enquirer ownerAMI and can now tell her story. AMI will also publish McDougal’s health and fitness tips in Men’s Journal and receive first-refusal rights for her book: ‘Yep, We F*cked – Here Are Some Fitness Tips’.

Slide Fire, the largest manufacturer of bump stocks in the U.S., will stop taking orders and shut down its website on May 20th. But until then, would-be mass murderers are invited to take advantage of its crazy inventory liquidation sale!

Crenshanda Williams, a former 911 operator in Houston, was sentenced to 10 days in jail and a year of probation for hanging up on ‘thousands’ of 911 emergency calls. Prior to sentencing, she addressed the judge and was defiant, saying she’d do it all over again to be caller #10 for Beyonce tickets.

Federal Aviation Administration regulators have ordered inspections on engine fan blades like the one which sheared off the Southwest Airlines flight, shattering a window and killing a passenger who was nearly sucked out of the aircraft. The FAA is still on the fence about the whole “smaller windows” idea.

  • A spokesperson for Allegiant Airlines said they won’t need to conduct the inspections, since their aircraft aren’t powered by jet engines, but rather old V8 engines from totaled Camaros.