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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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MLB’s Miami Marlins hired the league’s first female general manager, Kim Ng. She’s charged with changing the team’s trajectory from lose ng to win ng.

A Pennsylvania judge ruled in favor of Donald Trump’s lawyers in a dispute regarding a deadline extension for a small amount of unverified ballots. This improves Team Trump’s record in post-election lawsuits to 1 win, 100 losses.

A pediatrician at a Louisiana children’s hospital was arrested for calling a teen girl the n-word, then punching her, in a racially motivated attack. The doctor was placed on leave, and the hospital is looking for a new Santa for the holiday party.

Mark Zuckerberg said Steve Bannon – who said Anthony Fauci and FBI Director Christopher Wray should be beheaded – “didn’t violate enough policies” for suspension from Facebook. However, Bannon was kicked out of the scrapbooking group where he posted his video.

Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela said she’s “really enjoying” her career as a sex worker – but added she could do without all of the clients in E.T. costumes.

The new MeowTalk app claims to translate cat’s meows in to one of nine requests. Eight of them are “I’m hungry” and the ninth one is “I’m getting hungry”.

Florida GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz posted a photo with Tiffany Trump, putting to rest rumors that Tiffany Trump is transgender Matt Gaetz.

Over 130 Secret Service Agents are in quarantine or infected with COVID-19 in the wake of Donald Trump’s rallies and campaigning. Teenagers playing Call of Duty online are reportedly tired of getting their asses kicked.

South America’s Pantanal region – the world’s largest wetlands – is on fire. “Now what do we call it?” said environmentalists.

Seven passengers tested positive for coronavirus aboard the SeaDream1 – the first passenger cruise ship to relaunch since the pandemic. They’re being quarantined until they can be upgraded to the ship’s norovirus deck.