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Scientists discovered a new ‘super jelly’, a gelatinous subtance that can retain its shape even after being run over by a truck. They discovered it under the peanut butter in a public school cafeteria sandwich.

Xenobots, the world’s first ‘living’ robots created from stem cells, can now reproduce. The researchers who created them plan to share video at a biology conference, right after they upload it to Pornhub.

8-year-old North West started a joint TikTok account with her mom, Kim Kardashian. She already has over 1.2 million followers, because if there’s anyone who knows how to create a following with video, it’s Kim Kardashian.

Virologist Alex Sigal, who helped discover the Omicron variant of COVID-19, warned of its potential, saying Omicron has already been admitted to four Ivy League schools.

The Gucci family slammed the recent Ridley Scott drama ‘House of Gucci’, saying it portrays the family as “ignorant” and that they may sue. Scott’s lawyers plan a vigorous defense, saying if the Guccis spent $12 each to watch his awful movie, they really are ignorant.

Philadelphia’s Chocolate Ballerina Company – a dance group featuring persons of color – will debut ‘The Nutcracker Dipped In Chocolate‘, allowing a more diverse ethnic representation of performers to bore an audience for three hours.

NASA postponed a planned International Space Station spacewalk on account of debris. They’ll reschedule once SpaceX and Blue Origin launch crews of repeat DUI offenders to clean the debris up.

Madonna got a new tattoo on her wrist – Hebrew characters which, loosely translated, read “my wrist hurts”.

University of Southern California apologized for fans chanting “f*** the Mormons” during Saturday’s football loss to Brigham Young University. In reply, BYU fans in attendance chanted “Ok, but we need to get married first”.

Tiger Woods told Golf Digest that, in the wake of his auto accident, he’ll never be a “full-time player” again, saying that he now only has two side pieces.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.