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Atlantic City announced an expansion to its multi-million-dollar surveillance camera system. The cameras are used in high-activity areas to monitor crime, and also to take & sell souvenir photos with a real Atlantic City prostitute.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he doesn’t think Americans should expect a vaccine mandate for air travel, but he does recommend travelers continue to wear masks, and learn to throw a punch for the occasional mid-flight brawl.

After a first time capsule from 1887 was unearthed beneath a Robert E. Lee statue in Richmond, a second time capsule was found. The first one contained books & letters, the second one contained the world’s oldest Starbucks gift cards.

A man was arrested after murdering a man he met on Grindr and eating his testicles. His legal team is asking that cannibalism charges be dismissed because the victim requested to be an organ donor.

Habitat for Humanity completed and donated its first-ever 3D-printed house. It was later robbed by a guy with a 3D-printed gun.

A bird flu outbreak in Israel led to the slaughter of half a million infected chickens. And boy are the farmers chasing them tired.

Doctors are sharing ways to tell if you have a common cold or the Omicron variant of COVID. They say the key differences with Omicron are loss of taste &/or smell, and severe headache. Men are increasingly hearing “not tonight, I have Omicron”.

Patricia Cornwall, arrested for punching an 80-year-old man on a Delta flight in a mask dispute, was booked for DUI just last month. Cornwall is now booking a cruise, where she plans to get arrested and complete her air, land & sea trifecta.

Balaclavas a.k.a. ski masks are a hot apparel trend. Bank tellers are having a tough time telling if customers are there to shoot them, or just fashionable.

Amazon’s Alexa assistant told a 10-year-old girl to play with a live electrical outlet. The girl didn’t do it, but thanked Alexa for her next idea to go play in traffic.

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President Biden will make 500 million at-home COVID tests available for free – just pay $9.95 for shipping & handling.

A female rookie NYC Police officer was recorded giving a lap dance to her married lieutenant at the precinct Christmas party. The lieutenant was busted down to transit duty, and the rookie officer was promoted to lieutenant.

The state of California sued Walmart for illegally dumping over one million items of hazardous waste. Walmart said they had to, because the Lunchables had expired.

The Grove, a high-end outdoor shopping complex in Los Angeles, now installs barbed-wire-like metal coil fencing after hours to prevent smash-and-grab robberies. A spokesman said it’s there to encourage a return to traditional daylight shoplifting.

Peloton shares tumbled when executives said sales of exercise bikes and treadmills fell 17% in the most recent quarter. They announced a recovery plan – selling less-expensive bicycle-and-treadmill shaped clothes hangers.

Health experts say people may not know they have the Omicron COVID variant, since its symptoms most mirror the common cold: runny nose, sneezing, sore throat, and calling out of work because you’ve “never been this sick in your life”.

Rite-Aid is closing 60 locations, but promises to provide assistance to relocate the panhandlers in front of the affected stores.

Christina Aguilera marked her 41st birthday by posting topless photos to Instagram, captioning them ‘XTINA XLI’ – though most people who’ve seen the photos would call them ‘XTINA DDD’

Viral TikTok ‘stars’ the Island Boys attended Jake Paul’s knockout victory over Tyron Woodley in Tampa, but were booed and doused with beer. Their appearance also angered gamblers who’d bet heavily that Jake Paul would be the biggest douchebag to show up at the fight.

‘Frodo’, the last surviving pit bull from Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring passed away peacefully at age 15. Before he died, Frodo enjoyed a steak dinner, then told his puppies his last wish – that they repeatedly piss on Michael Vick’s leg.

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Parts of Hawai’i received up to two feet of rain on Monday & Tuesday. “I can’t remember this area seeing something this bad” said attendees at the 80th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

The Christmas tree outside of Fox News in New York caught fire, after briefly coming into contact with Tucker Carlson’s pants.

Olaf Scholz officially succeds Angela Merkel as Chancellor of Germany, after the country decided they needed leadership with an even-more-German-sounding name.

The Blanco Fracture Zone, a fault line off the Oregon coast, generated 40 earthquakes in 24 hours. Oregonian hipsters were cool with it, though, because they were organic.

Donald Trump’s new social media company filed a presentation with the Securities & Exchange Commission that only gave partial names of its employees, listing a Senior Mobile Developer as “BJ”. New CEO Devin Nunes said they confused “employees” and “benefits”.

One of the accusers in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex trafficking trial said Maxwell “assessed her body” for presentation to Epstein when she was just 14. And whaddaya know?…she passed. [Editors Note: Ghislaine Maxwell is a goddamned monster and should never see freedom again.]

Workers at three Starbucks shops in Buffalo, NY are voting to unionize. Union organizers say the workers need to be treated fairly, while Starbucks said the union’s request for snow days will put the stores out of business within a week.

China’s Yutu 2 lunar rover captured images of a mysterious “hut” on the far side of the Moon. Little is known about the hut, except for its red roof and a tabletop Ms. Pac-Man console.

The Omicron variant of COVID-19 was confirmed in Florida. It didn’t want to go, but it needed to use air & hotel miles before the end of the year.

NASA announced they’ve commissioned a new telescope to see inside black holes, and also graduated 10 new astronauts – five of whom aren’t thrilled to be sent into whatever black holes the telescope finds.

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Scientists discovered a new ‘super jelly’, a gelatinous subtance that can retain its shape even after being run over by a truck. They discovered it under the peanut butter in a public school cafeteria sandwich.

Xenobots, the world’s first ‘living’ robots created from stem cells, can now reproduce. The researchers who created them plan to share video at a biology conference, right after they upload it to Pornhub.

8-year-old North West started a joint TikTok account with her mom, Kim Kardashian. She already has over 1.2 million followers, because if there’s anyone who knows how to create a following with video, it’s Kim Kardashian.

Virologist Alex Sigal, who helped discover the Omicron variant of COVID-19, warned of its potential, saying Omicron has already been admitted to four Ivy League schools.

The Gucci family slammed the recent Ridley Scott drama ‘House of Gucci’, saying it portrays the family as “ignorant” and that they may sue. Scott’s lawyers plan a vigorous defense, saying if the Guccis spent $12 each to watch his awful movie, they really are ignorant.

Philadelphia’s Chocolate Ballerina Company – a dance group featuring persons of color – will debut ‘The Nutcracker Dipped In Chocolate‘, allowing a more diverse ethnic representation of performers to bore an audience for three hours.

NASA postponed a planned International Space Station spacewalk on account of debris. They’ll reschedule once SpaceX and Blue Origin launch crews of repeat DUI offenders to clean the debris up.

Madonna got a new tattoo on her wrist – Hebrew characters which, loosely translated, read “my wrist hurts”.

University of Southern California apologized for fans chanting “f*** the Mormons” during Saturday’s football loss to Brigham Young University. In reply, BYU fans in attendance chanted “Ok, but we need to get married first”.

Tiger Woods told Golf Digest that, in the wake of his auto accident, he’ll never be a “full-time player” again, saying that he now only has two side pieces.