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Nestle is recalling some pepperoni Hot Pockets because they may contain hard plastic and glass. The contamination was noticed by factory workers, but not a single person eating pepperoni Hot Pockets.

Fiat Chrysler merged with Peugeot to form the 4th-largest global automaker, Stellantis. Get ready to say “my Stellantis broke down”.

In advance of Inauguration Day, Los Angeles Police fortified security at the L.A. Zoo, fearing rioters could break in and wreak havoc by releasing animals. That, and a dozen baboons have been spotted in MAGA hats.

Legendary music producer Phil Spector died in prison; he hit the Wall Of No Sound.

Los Angeles County became the first in the nation to reach 1 million COVID-19 cases. They were on track to hit it a week ago, but traffic to the testing sites was terrible.

The FBI is investigating a report that January 6th D.C. rioters stole a laptop and plan to sell it to Russia. So far, Russians told the FBI they turned it down because they’re grossed out by Ted Cruz’s porn collection.

Donald Trump may issue 100 pardons on his final day in office. Every pardon comes with a Presidential Medal of Freedom, a ‘Be Best’ t-shirt, and the recipient’s choice of monthly auto-pay from checking or credit card.

Parler is back online. “Ok, where were we?…oh, right, violent domestic terrorism” said a group moderator.

Actors union SAG-AFTRA may stop production on Scott Baio/Kristy Swanson movie ‘Courting Mom & Dad’ for violating COVID-19 filming rules. Producers have already warned the film’s release to a bin at Walgreens checkout may be delayed.

German shepherd ‘Major’ Biden was celebrated at his InDogUration, celebrating his upcoming White House appointment as First Dog. He succeeds Tiffany Trump.

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Three women were arrested after attacking Spirit Airlines employees at Ft. Lauderdale Airport after being told their flight to Philadelphia was delayed. A spokesman said Spirit Airlines is there to dish out abuse, not take it.

11 Major League Baseball umpires have opted out of working the upcoming season. Managers will use “spring training” games to practice yelling at and kicking dirt on to their robot replacements.

A nationwide coin shortage continues to cripple segments of the economy, with thousands of gumball machines declaring bankruptcy.

Google is working on a smart ‘house mouse’. It’s a handheld device you point at things in your smart home to control them, but it can’t mute the story about your spouse’s trip to the grocery store.

High-profile Twitter accounts like Barack Obama, Joe Biden and others were hacked, posting messages asking for donations in Bitcoin. No suspects have been identified, but subsequent messages sent coupon codes for Goya products.

The company formerly known as Chrysler will now be known as Stellantis. Vehicle models will still be called Chrysler’s, so owners don’t have to say “my Stellantis won’t start.”

Chipotle is planning to hire 10,000 new employees as they fast-track the construction of drive-thrus with mortar made from their queso nobody likes.

Machine Gun Kelly said that new girlfriend Megan Kelly has ‘the most beautiful feet that exist’. In fact, he said it twice, but could only be understood the second time after he pulled a foot out of his mouth.

Hailey Bieber apologized to a former restaurant hostess, who rated her a 4 out of 10 in terms of being nice. Bieber regretted her ‘negative vibes’ and said she hopes she and hostess can meet again, but they won’t, because she’s rich and famous.

Joanna Cole, author of the ‘Magic School Bus’ books, died at age 75, and will now ride in not-so-magic vehicles.