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200 Philadelphia teens have been shot in the city’s streets so far this year. So officials are opening Curfew Centers, where teens can get off the streets and be shot indoors.

Sesame Street introduced Ji-Young, a Korean female Muppet. Grover now exclusively dates Asians.

AMC Theaters announced a plan to sell their popcorn outside of cinemas, without having to buy a movie ticket. Customers can choose different varieties of popcorn from 2020, 2019, and other vintages.

Jury selection begins in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex=trafficking trial. “Reject her, she’s not young or hot enough” said Maxwell to her attorney, adding “oops, force of habit”.

500 people were hospitalized with stings as heavy storms washed scorpions into homes in Egypt. No one died, but all of them were disappointed that their State Egyptian Farm homeowners policies don’t cover scorpion damage.

A Maryland mayor was charged with 50 counts of distributing revenge porn on Reddit, at Subreddits including r/needysluts. A Reddit moderator condemned the mayor, saying his actions violated the strict community standards of r/needysluts.

An Australian reptile park said a ‘megaspider’ – a massive funnel-web spider measuring 3 inches long with fangs that can pierce a human fingernail – is the biggest of its kind they’ve seen; and that it took five stomps with a steel-toed boot to kill it.

Pennsylvania banned Japanese Barberry, an invasive ornamental shrub that crowds out native plants and provides a home for diseased ticks. The Department of Agriculture is awarding grants so ticks can be rehomed in the coats of deer.

A 38-year-old Massachusetts man with recurring seizures and episodes of “speaking gibberish” was diagnosed with tapeworms tbat had lived in his brain for years. Doctors were tipped off by the 7-Eleven Sushi Loyalty Club Card in his wallet.

A woman who uses a wheelchair surprised her fiance at their wedding by rising out of the chair and walking down the aisle. She realized her dream of walking down the aisle, and his dream of consummating their marriage with standing sex.

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A woman who’d just had her eyelashes done was attacked by the beautician’s pet chihuahua, who tore off the woman’s eyelid. The victim said it happened quickly, in what would have been the blink of an eye.

A judge in Dr Dre’s divorce case just declared Dre officially single – or, as it’s known in legal terminology, Pimp.

The largest-ever peer-reviewed study of food-induced inflammation was just completed, after researchers were able to acquire 2,000 buckets of KFC.

A same-sex female couple at Pennridge High School in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to be crowned as two prom queens – though their titles are being contested by the gay male couple that finished second.

Ticks carrying Lyme disease have been found on California beaches. They differ from East Coast woodland ticks because of their four-legged board shorts.

Two U.S. passengers on the Celebrity Millenium – the first major sea cruise since the pandemic shut down the cruise industry – were put in isolation after their norovirus vomit tested positive for COVID-19.

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin returned to the network, following an 8 month suspension for masturbating during a Zoom call with other journalists. Toobin will soon take a brief paternity leave once his pregnant mouse pad gives birth.

E! aired the series finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, marking the last you’ll see of them for a couple minutes.

The Consumer Price Index rose by the highest margins since the Great Recession. It’s so severe, Atlantic City hookers raised prices 50%, to $7.50.

Donald Trump used the Department of Justice to seize information from Congressional Democrat’s iPhones because he suspected they were leaking sensitive information – and because he thought there may be pics of their wives or girlfrends.

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MoveHub’s International Hipster Index released the 25 Most Hipster-Friendly cities in the world. Three Florida cities – Orlando, Miami & Ft. Lauderdale – made the Top Ten, making them top cities for both hipsters and artificial hips.

Morgan Freeman has been accused of painfully slow, deliberate sexual harassment.

A study from the World Cancer Research Fund links obesity to 12 different types of cancer. “A dozen? You mean like donuts?” asked a mildly surprised obese person.

According to the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife, mussels off the coast of Seattle have tested positive for opioids. They’ve never seen such relaxed mussels.

Sally Anderson, a life coach in New Zealand, is being accused of ‘cultural appropriation’ for getting a native Maori chin tattoo, when she is not of Maori descent. Anderson, who is married to a Maori, says it’s an homage to Maori culture, but critics say the tattoo clearly reads ‘Dave Matthews Band’.

The Centers for Disease Control reports that tick-borne illness is rising. Jennifer Slone, a librarian in Ohio, nearly died from ehrlichiosis, a bacterial infection from a tick bite. She says that she now tucks her pants in to her socks, her shirt in to to her pants, sprays herself with DEET, and doesn’t get much action on her Tinder profile.

Just 37% of those replying to a Gallup poll said President Trump’s administration has “excellent” or “good” ethical standards – the lowest total of any President in 40 years. Worse, the survey was of coal miners.

Three members of the NFL New York Giants equipment staff have been fired for involvement in a lawsuit pertaining to phony Eli Manning memorabilia. Manning himself is alleged to have emailed one of them in 2010 to find “2 helmets that can pass as game used”; but, as you might expect from Manning, the email was intercepted.

Amazon confirmed a Portland, Oregon woman’s report that one of their Amazon Echo personal assistant/speakers recorded a random conversation about ‘hardwood floors’ and emailed it to a friend. They explained that Alexa heard the woman say ‘hard wood’ and assumed the guy she was sleeping with would want to know.

An eight-person jury in in San Jose, California ordered Samsung to pay Apple $539 million for copying some of iPhone’s features. Apple CEO Tim Cook handed each of the jurors an envelope, telling them to ‘get themselves something nice’, before adding the rest of the money to the gigantic pile.