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Two domestic house cats in New York City tested positive for coronavirus. The cats have decided to self-quarantine for 15 years.

Facebook Messenger Kids app will launch in 70 more countries, providing a valuable communications tool for quarantined pedophiles.

With Kim Jong Un’s health in question, political observers are wondering who would be next in line to lead North Korea. Most agree that it would be Kim’s younger sister, Dakota Jong Un.

Zoom released version 5.0 with security and privacy improvements – so Zoombombers can now control who else on the video conference sees their genitals.

Tiger Woods & Tom Brady will take on Phil Mickelson & Peyton Manning in a charity challenge for COVID-19 relief called “Golf on TV Somehow Cures Boredom”.

The Masked Singer’s Banana was revealed to be Poison frontman Bret Michaels. Now millions of Americans – not just Poison groupies – have seen Bret Michaels’ Banana.

A new study finds eating potatoes with processed meat leads to higher risk of dementia, leading the American Medical Association to consider changing its name to McDementia.

Industry leader DJI is prepared to release its latest camera drone model, the Mavic Air 2. It costs $799, or $999 if you want it to just find topless women on its own.

Golden State Warriors head coach & former Chicago Bull Steve Kerr said in an interview that Michael Jordan punching him in the face “helped our relationship”. Kerr went into coaching after a brief, unsuccessful career as a marriage counselor.

Nintendo Switch consoles are being hacked and used to purchase expensive in-game currencies, according to a report from Detective Toad of the Mushroom Kingdom’s cybercrimes division.

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Nintendo launched Nintendo Switch Online – its first-ever subscription service for console gameplay. Parents say the service is affordably priced at $19.99/year, but are concerned some of their kids have injured their heads repeatedly hitting them on boxes to come up with the money.

Nintendo added that the most popular racer in Mario Kart 8 is President Trump’s penis.

New Jersey authorities and citizens are on the lookout for an alligator spotted roaming in Southern New Jersey. State wildlife officials describe the reptile as “a large alligator with multiple gold chains.”

Maroon 5 is rumored to be the next Super Bowl halftime act. Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, site of the Super Bowl, is testing to see if the restrooms can handle the 30,000 additional people leaving their seats to not watch it.

Delta Airlines raised its checked baggage fees from $25 to the first checked bag to $30. Additional bags cost $40, up from $35. The good news is that animals dying on Delta flights no longer count as checked bags.

For Jimmy Fallon’s birthday on September 19th, he asked only that people perform a random act of kindness. So throughout America, people took the remote from their partner and shut off The Tonight Show.

Cargill Meat Solutions is recalling 132,600 pounds of ground beef products following an E. coli outbreak. The recall is the basis for the new “Look, it’s not us for once!” ad campaign at Chipotle.

The NFL is closing its 40,000 square foot ‘NFL Experience’ in New York’s Times Square.  The $37-per-ticket attraction was intended to replicate stepping out of the locker room and onto the field of an NFL stadium. Visitors were dissatisfied with having to pay for painkilling injections and CTE scans to take the field.

Coca-Cola is reportedly interested in investing in cannabis-infused soft drinks. Executives are excited over the profit potential in selling soda by the gram.

KISS announced their farewell ‘End of the Road World Tour’ on America’s Got Talent – and were voted off in favor of a 12-year-old girl ventriloquist.

America’s Got Talent’s newest champion is 26-year-old Shin Lim, a Canadian-born close-up magician; the runner-up is Zucaroh, an Austrian acrobatic group. The show concluded with a press conference from U.S.-citizen finalists calling for tighter immigration control.

 

 

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President Trump will visit North Carolina to assess the damage from Hurricane Florence; shares of Procter & Gamble – maker of Bounty paper towels – were up in early trading.

Denise Mueller-Korenek broke the world speed record for riding a bicycle at 183.93 miles per hour. She achieved the feat being towed behind a race car, then detaching and operating the pedals herself. Her ride ended when she ran into the opened door of the race car.

North Korea said it would close a key missile test facility and shut down its primary nuclear complex if the United States agrees to corresponding measures. “You got it, Kim!” said Defense Secretary James Mattis with his fingers crossed behind his back.

Brady Bunch actress Maureen McCormick talked to Us Weekly about her battles with drug addiction, saying her Mom & Dad almost had her arrested because it had gotten so bad. They didn’t because McCormick’s future husband gave her an ultimatum to get clean, and because Mom & Dad were busy planning a trip to Hawaii.

In a new book about New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, author Ian O’Connor claims that then-University of Florida coach Urban Meyer warned Belichick not to draft Aaron Hernandez because of his propensity to lie and smoke pot. Hernandez went on to be convicted for murder, leading Meyer to say “oh, that too.”

Identical twin sisters Jalynne April Crawford and Janelle Ann Leopoldo gave birth to sons on the same day at the same hospital. The sisters thanked God, and the hospital’s 2-for-1 c-section Groupon.

Stormy Daniels is releasing a new tell-all book in which she claims that Donald Trump has “a d— that looks like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” Trump has repeatedly denied sticking his Toad into her Mushroom Gorge.

Online gaming platform Steam debuted its first hardcore porn game, an anime visual novel titled ‘Negligee: Love Stories’. The object of the game is to make sexual choices as one of four female characters, and to shut it off as quickly as you can when your mom enters the room.

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day — not to be confused with International Act Like a Pirate Day, when you can murder people and steal their boat.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the 25 Most Expensive Cars to Insure in the U.S. Topping the list? The all-electric Tesla Model S. The Model S has a high collision-repair cost, and a high comprehensive claim rate due to owners pumping gasoline in to the plug.