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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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CBS cancelled Matt LeBlanc sitcom ‘Man With A Plan’. Remaining episodes will be aired as ‘Man Needs A Plan’.

Tesla may bring Zoom videoconferencing to their electric cars, giving birth to the phrase: “could the guy who just wrapped his car around a tree please mute?”

Donald Trump’s decision to paint the border wall black could cost an additional $500 million. It could also encourage more Mexicans to try and go around the wall because black is so slimming.

The Treasury Department says coronavirus stimulus checks mailed to dead people should be returned to the IRS. But first, the checks should be removed from their hands.

Adele showed off her recent weight loss in a photo thanking frontline workers during the pandemic. In turn, frontline workers say they have an even greater appreciation for Adele, since they don’t just want to hear her sing – they also want to have sex with her.

Astronomers say they’ve found the black hole closest to Earth, that consumes and destroys anything near it – it’s the satellite that delivers Pornhub.

Tinder’s next major update will be a feature to enable video dating. Then the next major update will be a panic button for when women inevitably see a guy’s dick.

Twitter is testing a streamlined interface for users to interact with ‘threaded’ conversations – they’re calling it A Bigger Mute Button.

National Nurses Day was recognized with drive-by tributes from citizens thanking nurses with signs and horn-honking. Although others complained of delays because they just wanted to get to the ER and push their sick grandparents out of the car.

Researchers are testing a new stick-on patch that monitors coronavirus symptoms and progress. Although patients are warned to be on the lookout for fake devices with ‘Kick Me’ on them.