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A Texas man changed his name to Literally Anybody Else so that he could announce his candidacy for U.S. President. He has yet to choose a running mate, but is leaning toward Whatever Dude and Who T.F. Cares.

A new study finds young people get most of their calories from processed food. Seizing the opportunity, Oscar Mayer plans to expand the Lunchables line to Breakfastables, Dinnerables and Snackables.

Joe Biden tested positive for COVID. Democrats are recommending he quarantine until at least the middle of November.

Ford will spend billions to expand large pickup truck production in a plant it had originally had planned for electric cars. They’ll also expand production of Truck Nutz in a plant originally intended for EV Nutz.

Amazon Prime Day drove a record $14.2 billion in sales, an 11% increase over 2023. A slightly lower 10% increase was recorded in delivery driver heat strokes.

Costco is selling an “apocalypse bucket” with food that will last 25 years. The bucket contains 80 entrees & sides, 30 breakfast servings, 40 powdered drink servings, and an Uber Eats Apocalypse coupon for when it runs out.

Kris Jenner underwent a hysterectomy to remove an ovarian tumor. Her boyfriend Corey Gamble said the worst part of her recovery was “not hooking up for two weeks”. And the second-worst part was “losing camera time to the tumor”.

An account on gaming website Steam which was believed to belong to Donald Trump’s assassin was determined to be fake. However an account belonging to him was verified on Out Of Steam.

Tiger Woods arrived to compete in The Open Championship in Scotland – as host course Royal Troon opened up a four-day pop-up Perkins Pancake house for him to spend time with hostesses.

14-year-old Cavan Sullivan made his Major League Soccer debut in the 85th minute for the Philadelphia Union in their 5-1 victory over the New England Revolution. Gracious Philadelphia sports fans say they’ll wait at least until he’s 16 before telling him he sucks.

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Doctors and women are sharing stories of ‘Ozempic babies’ – born to women whose extreme weight loss restored their fertility. They’re thrilled to be pregnant but bummed out about the weight gain.

‘Mammoth’ – the world’s largest vacuum designed to remove pollution from the air, opened in Iceland. It sucks 36,000 tons of carbon emissions from the atmosphere each year, and takes 500 housekeepers to change the vacuum bag.

The CDC is warning of the new COVID variant, ‘FLiRT’. It infects you after convincing you to sign up for its OnlyFans.

Americans tip an average of $38/month. They say they’d rather tip less but don’t want to learn how to multiply by percentages.

American fans of Taylor Swift are traveling to Paris to see the first European shows of her Eras Tour, citing much lower prices they found on TicketMonsieur.

A cruise ship employee was arrested after going on a stabbing spree, thus cutting short the maiden voyage of the new Spirit Airlines Of The Sea cruise line.

Kardashians matriarch Kris Jenner announced she has a tumor in a preview of Season 5 of Hulu’s ‘The Kardashians’. The tumor then hired an agent and negotiated Season 1 of ‘Keeping Up With Kris Jenner’s Tumor’ on Peacock.

In a decades-long study, meats were shown to have the biggest negative impact on mortality of all ultraprocessed foods – citing heart attacks in grade school kids who doubled up on Lunchables.

Neuralink announced their first in-human brain transplant has experienced a problem. The company said the problem persisted after unplugging the implant, waiting 30 seconds, then plugging it back in again.

A woman in China removed an unconscious pig from her car and attempted to revive it with CPR on a busy highway. The pig died, but was later praised for having an especially tenderized pork belly.