The White House wants to put nutrition labels on the front of food packages. An Oscar Mayer spokesperson said they’re fine doing so with Lunchables, since it would only require printing the word “None”.

Rachel Dolezal now has an Only Fans page. She’s offering a ‘2-for-1, Buy White Nudes, Get Black Nudes Free’ deal.

Finance company Citigroup named Grant Carson to lead its operations in Russia. Carson said it’s always been a dream of his to meet Britney Griner.

Actress Lili Reinhart said she struggled with body dysmorphia while filming the latest season of Riverdale – constantly worrying that she didn’t have big enough Jugheads.

Oregon State University’s bipedal robot, ‘Cassie’, established a new world record for the 100-meter dash in 24.73 seconds, but then was disqualified for giving a sample of synthetic motor oil.

Blonde‘, a fictional Marilyn Monroe biopic, is the first Netflix movie to get an NC-17 rating. Teenage boys will have to decide whether it’s worth their time, or if they should just stick with free online porn.

Cleveland Browns defensive tackle Myles Garrett suffered no serious injury in a single-vehicle car wreck. The Las Vegas Raiders are dealing with several injuries after their season began with an 0-3 train wreck.

University of California-affiliated colleges are struggling to find affordable housing for students, since they’re located in some of the most expensive markets in the state. Dumpy-looking students living in dorms are now not only able to hook up for months on end, but collect cheap rent.

M&Ms introduced the new Purple M&M cartoon character to its lineup. It’s an entirely new female character, not the Red M&M choking the Green one.

Scientists are concerned about a new super-STD, M.gen, that won’t go away regardless of treatment. They’re calling it the Madonna virus.

President Biden will make 500 million at-home COVID tests available for free – just pay $9.95 for shipping & handling.

A female rookie NYC Police officer was recorded giving a lap dance to her married lieutenant at the precinct Christmas party. The lieutenant was busted down to transit duty, and the rookie officer was promoted to lieutenant.

The state of California sued Walmart for illegally dumping over one million items of hazardous waste. Walmart said they had to, because the Lunchables had expired.

The Grove, a high-end outdoor shopping complex in Los Angeles, now installs barbed-wire-like metal coil fencing after hours to prevent smash-and-grab robberies. A spokesman said it’s there to encourage a return to traditional daylight shoplifting.

Peloton shares tumbled when executives said sales of exercise bikes and treadmills fell 17% in the most recent quarter. They announced a recovery plan – selling less-expensive bicycle-and-treadmill shaped clothes hangers.

Health experts say people may not know they have the Omicron COVID variant, since its symptoms most mirror the common cold: runny nose, sneezing, sore throat, and calling out of work because you’ve “never been this sick in your life”.

Rite-Aid is closing 60 locations, but promises to provide assistance to relocate the panhandlers in front of the affected stores.

Christina Aguilera marked her 41st birthday by posting topless photos to Instagram, captioning them ‘XTINA XLI’ – though most people who’ve seen the photos would call them ‘XTINA DDD’

Viral TikTok ‘stars’ the Island Boys attended Jake Paul’s knockout victory over Tyron Woodley in Tampa, but were booed and doused with beer. Their appearance also angered gamblers who’d bet heavily that Jake Paul would be the biggest douchebag to show up at the fight.

‘Frodo’, the last surviving pit bull from Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring passed away peacefully at age 15. Before he died, Frodo enjoyed a steak dinner, then told his puppies his last wish – that they repeatedly piss on Michael Vick’s leg.

A 16-year-old boy tried to smuggle methamphetamine across the U.S./Mexico border in a remote controlled car. He was arrested, and the Cancun Barbie at the wheel of the car was admitted to Dream House Rehab.

The operator of a self-driving Uber that struck and killed an Arizona pedestrian was the primary cause of the accident because she was watching ‘The Voice’ on her phone. Prosecutors say if she turned her chair around, she’d have seen the dashcam.

‘Harriet’ the cinematic biopic depicting Harriet Tubman, was originally developed 25 years ago, and a studio executive wanted Julia Roberts to play Tubman in the movie. Roberts declined because she thought one day she might run for Congress.

Grammy nominations were released; Taylor Swift’s ‘Lover’ only received three. Journalists seeking to reach her for comment were directed to her bedroom, since she doesn’t get out of bed for less than ten.

Representative Devin Nunes compared Trump’s dealings with Ukraine to George Washington’s communications with Great Britain, adding that present-day Democrats would want to impeach Washington in 1794. Democrats agreed that Washington and Trump are similar, but in that they have terrible hair.

Parts of California ravaged by wildfires are under a flash flood warning as heavy rain moved in. Although the flash floods were mainly isolated to the basements of houses that caught fire.

Google Earth introduced “creation tools” that allow users to create narrative projects featuring locations around the globe. It’s a great way to make a travelogue video of places you’ve never really visited to show to that girl or guy you want to sleep with.

A Texas mom is angry because an employee at her son’s daycare wrote that he needs to go on a diet. The employee said she wasn’t fat-shaming, just aware that it’s November and they’ve already blown through the annual budget for Lunchables.

A Russian bodybuilder dubbed “Popeye” nearly died after several liters of petroleum jelly were injected into each of his biceps. Doctors removed it along with dead tissue, then sent him to recovery, where a different bodybuilder dubbed “Bluto” beat the living s**t out of him.

Melania Trump invited Billy Ray Cyrus to a meeting at the White House with a family whose child died by suicide after cyberbullying. The First Lady said fighting online bullying is a part of her Be Best initiative, as is “getting photo selfie picture with achy breaky man”.

Country Time offered to pay the fines of kids cited for operating unlicensed lemonade stands. No one is more excited than the kid fined for running an unlicensed stand selling lemonade and meth.

Food high in sodium and low in nutrients could lead to depression in preteens. The makers of Lunchables may change the name to Miserables.

UFC crowned its first Chinese champion, strawweight woman Weili Zhang. Zhang defeated Jessica Andrade in 42 seconds – stunning Andrade, who said she’s used to waiting 20 minutes for Chinese to show up.

President Trump spoke about the threat of Hurricane Dorian. He said he didn’t think he’d ever heard of a Category 5 Hurricane, adding that he only pays attention to 9s and 10s.

Hurricane Dorian will cause the Tuesday shutdown of Orlando International Airport. On the bright side, there is, like, no line at Space Mountain.

Kevin Hart suffered severe back injuries when his classic Dodge Barracuda was driven off the highway by a friend. It’s the worst wreck Hart has survived since ‘Soul Plane’.

Bugatti made the first production automobile to top 300mph. “We probably won’t insure that.” said an online sales associate for The General.

A 17-year-old went blind after eating only fries, chips, white bread and meat for most of his life. In a related story, McDonald’s hired their first blind Ronald McDonald.

Player-turned-broadcaster Alex Rodriguez told a national television audience during Sunday night’s Mets/Phillies telecast that “even leads are better than odd leads.” Managers around MLB no longer felt comfortable being ahead 15 runs in the 8th.

Apple is rumored to be bringing sleep tracking to the new edition of Apple Watch. They want to see if users talk about their Apple Watch in their sleep as much as when they’re awake.

 

The latest viral video craze is the Cheese Challenge, where parents capture video while tossing cheese slices on infants’ faces. Critics say if parents want to punish their kids with processed food, they should just wait until they’re old enough for Lunchables.

Volvo will limit the top speed of its vehicles to 112 mph. Police and auto engineers are confident that pedestrians struck & killed by speeding Volvos will survive if the driver is going under 113 mph.

The FDA has approved ketamine nasal spray to treat clinical depression. Side effects include increased sadness when you blow your nose.

Stormy Daniels will make her stand-up comedy debut later this month. No word on who will be fluffing the audience before her headline set.

HBO aired two-part documentary ‘Leaving Neverland’, where two men accuse Michael Jackson of molesting them as young boys. HBO’s next project is ‘Leaving Sunday Mass’, where men & women document molestation by Catholic priests. Part I will air over the course of 12,000 consecutive nights.

The House Judiciary Committee sent letters to over 80 associates & family members of Donald Trump, seeking information about illegal business activity. To ensure they open it, Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr.’s were put in an envelope reading “You May Have Already Won A Million Dollars!”

Legendary pro wrestler King Kong Bundy died at age 61. He is survived by his wife, Queen Kong Bundy.

For just the second time since the global epidemic began, a person has been cured of H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS. The patient in question is still, however, in a bit of a drought getting laid.

Parents of Peter Zhu, a 21-year-old who died after a skiing accident, received a judge’s permission to retrieve his sperm for “.. preserving some piece of our child that might live on.” The accident and subsequent sperm retrieval was called “my worst day ever” by a guy on Ski Patrol.

A 17-year-old Wisconsin teen was charged with putting Xylazine – cow tranquilizers – in his stepfather’s energy drinks. The stepfather’s symptoms included a droopy face, slurred speech, and failure to remember siring at least a half-dozen calves.