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Some California McDonald’s locations are offering COVID-19 vaccinations. Customers are happy with the free vaccine, but say the salt that workers shake onto the shot site kinda hurts.

Johnson & Johnson is exiting the opioid business, after paying out settlements to thousands of babies addicted to No More Tears w/Opioids Shampoo.

The Pacific Northwest is breaking climate records, with temperatures topping 100 degrees. Residents of Portland & Seattle are experiencing record cases of heat stroke; they want to support the sun because its product is cage-free and organic.

President Biden believes he’ll be able to pass a record infrastructure spending bill, creating thousands of good jobs and millions of angry Americans stuck in construction traffic.

Shootings in Chicago resulted in 63 wounded and 3 killed, in what officials are calling “Saturday”.

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled teachers must complete police training in order to carry guns in school. Ohio cops are making extra money on the weekend watching teachers shoot paper targets of unarmed students.

Kamala Harris finally visited the U.S./Mexico border and defended the timing of her trip – saying she got an even better rate at the Cancun Ritz Carlton than Ted & Heidi Cruz did a few months ago.

Afghans who assisted U.S. troops during the war will be relocated by the Biden Administration to protect them from Taliban retribution. That’s the good news, the bad news is they’re being relocated to North Dakota.

Scientists discovered a way to combine bacteria with plastic waste to create vanilla flavoring. They expect it to take a few more months before it’s used in a McFlurry.

Cardi B performed while pregnant at the BET Awards. However, she was on a strict ‘No Twerk’ order from her doctor to keep from concussing the baby.

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NBA teams are planning to resume practice. Players already demonstrate social distancing by not running back to play defense.

At professional baseball games in Taiwan, no real fans are in attendance, and seats are filled with cardboard cutouts and mannequins. The players finally noticed when they didn’t see anyone asleep.

Brown University’s President Christina Paxson claims reopening college campuses should be a national priority. “Right on, babe” said frat house douchebros.

In addition to fever, dry cough & shortness of breath, the CDC added 6 additional warning symptoms for coronavirus – giving kids time to practice faking them on school mornings between now and fall.

The NFL Draft received its best tv ratings ever – leading the White House to cast Roger Goodell as the newest co-star of hit series ‘Coronavirus Task Force’.

New York doctors are studying heartburn drug Pepcid as treatment for COVID-19, after seeing improvement in patients who made the mistake of ordering enchiladas from the hospital cafeteria. 

Reality tv star Kristin Cavallari and former NFL QB Jay Cutler announced they’re divorcing. The father of three was summoned to Cavallari’s office and told to turn in his playdate book. 

Philadelphia’s Police Department said they believe as many as 800 officers have been exposed to coronavirus – leaving residents wondering how something could have gotten close to so many Philly cops without bribing them first. 

Tyson Foods warns that the “food supply chain is breaking” as plants close due to workers contracting COVID-19. “We just want to get back to work” said chickens who still don’t get it. 

99-year-old British World War II veteran Captain Tom Moore has the #1 hit song in the U.K., a cover of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’. However, Moore was hospitalized after attempting to twerk in the accompanying music video.