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Paris Hilton posted a picture of her baby son, Phoenix, then slammed online trolls for their ‘sick’ criticism of his large head. She said she’s hurt, but not as badly as Phoenix’s surrogate mother who had to squeeze the head out.

An off-duty Alaska Airlines pilot riding in the cockpit of a Horizon Air commuter jet is charged with attempted murder after trying to shut off the engines mid-flight. He said he was trained to do it to save fuel when he worked for Spirit Airlines.

Madonna told her concert audience in Belgium mid-show that she doesn’t feel well. 15,000 people told themselves she didn’t sound well, either.

Four men who stole 2 million dimes from a truck outside the U.S. Mint in Philadelphia face felony theft charges. They were apprehended at Staples trying to buy 20,000 $5 rolls to put them in.

Two women – Haley Briggs of Wayne, Pennsylvania & Krystel Alston of Ontario, California – who started as grade-school pen pals in 1980 met for the first time in 43 years, after one of them ran out of stamps.

Trump attorney Jenna Ellis pleaded guilty to Georgia election fraud charges & will testify for the prosecution against remaining defendants, including Trump. Ellis, Sydney Powell & Kenneth Cheesebro all figured they might as well plead guilty since Trump wasn’t going to pay the lawyers anyway.

Federal agents discovered over two dozen minors working illegally at an Ohio poultry processing plant. The minors did not share a lot of information, but most said they’ve pretty much sworn off chicken nuggets at this point.

Kurt Cobain’s daughter and Tony Hawk’s son were married by R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe in a civil ceremony, since all three were losing their religion.

The U.S. Department of Justice alleges that the NBA attempted to prevent Ice Cube’s ‘Big 3’ 3-on-3 basketball league from operating – allegations the NBA denies. A judge will decide whether the NBA was blocking while the DOJ is charging.

Hollywood celebrities including Tiffany Haddish, Chris Rock, Bradley Cooper & Justin Timberlake penned an open letter to President Biden to free Israeli hostages held by Hamas. Biden has received the letter, but is waiting for Larry The Cable Guy to weigh in.

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Fan-Pei Koung of Houston, Texas is now living in Ukraine and working as an ’emotional support stripper’ for volunteers and soldiers during their war with Russia. Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy thanked President Biden for his ongoing assistance but said they could use quite a few more.

China replaced foreign minister Qin Gang, appointing Wang Yi as his replacement – this, according to an official government statement announcing the Gang/Wang transition.

New research finds climate change factors fueled many of the recent deadly heat waves in the U.S. and around the globe. Although the same studies concede the Sun has a lot of the blame too.

A study of internet search data finds California to be the most sleep-deprived state in the U.S. The same study concludes the least sleep-deprived state is West Virginia, thanks to fentanyl, and residents inability to spell, or search for, the term sleep-deprived on the internet.

Los Angeles Metro mass transit announced they’ll be adding extra lines to SoFi Stadium for the Taylor Swift concerts there August 3-6. They’re asking masturbators and drug addicts to help populate the additional buses and trains.

Moviegoers are citing a historical error in ‘Oppenheimer‘, with people waving 50-star flags in 1945, when the U.S. was comprised of only 48 states. This is angering others in the theater, when their partners wake them up to point out the error.

Presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis and aides were uninjured in a minor car accident. They don’t want to discuss the history of the accident since the car is black.

A woman on a Delta jet stuck on a Las Vegas tarmac for three hours with no air conditioning or water described it as hell..with babies screaming, passengers fainting and throwing up on themselves. They returned to the gate and she rebooked on Spirit Airlines, where she realized the Delta experience wasn’t so bad, after all.

One of Arkansas’s leading psychiatrists has been suspended for falsely imprisoning patients and defrauding Medicaid. He’s been ordered to turn in his crystal ball and doctor’s overalls.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper spoke with a woman who claims to have gone on a date with alleged Gilgo Beach serial killer Rex Heuermann. The woman said she’s since removed her profile from the Date Long Island Serial Killers app.

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A blast from the undersea volcano Hunga Tonga-Hunga Ha’apai dispersed enough gas & vapor to warm the earth for several months. Environmental scientists equated the impact to the entire world eating a Cheesy Beef Gordita Supreme.

James Earl Jones retired from voicing Darth Vader. Going forward, Darth Vader will become the first evil Imperial Lord of the Sith to communicate using American Sign Language.

Grateful Dead spinoff group Dead & Co announced the Summer 2023 tour will be their last. After that they’ll just be Dead.

Sir Elton John performed on the South Lawn of The White House on Friday, then was “flabbergasted” by President Biden presenting him the National Humanities Medal. Elton was already flabbergasted by Biden singing all the words to ‘The Bitch Is Back’.

Tyler Perry responded to criticism from other black leaders – including Spike Lee – that his Madea character perpetuates negative black stereotypes. ‘Madea Halloween III: Madea Addresses Negative Black Stereotypes‘ opens Friday.

Rihanna will headline the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Her partner & baby daddy A$AP Rocky awaits trial on assault with a deadly weapon, and hopes to avoid being named headliner of the Prison Recreation Yard Talent Show.

A Tik Tok influencer shared the story of having sex with the Best Man at her father’s wedding. Or, as she called it, the Sugar Daddy/Daughter Dance.

A new study by New Mexico researchers links penis size to personality, stating men with larger penises are ‘more outgoing’. The researchers shared their findings after watching movies where men with large penises had little trouble meeting, and interacting with, women with large breasts.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis gave an update on preparations for the arrival of Hurricane Ian. He’s working with storm chasers to see if he can fly it to the coast of Massachusetts.

Comedian Rob O’Reilly was fired by Carnival Cruises for using the N-word during his performances on the ship. Passengers said his racist language was the third or fourth thing on their cruise that made them sick.

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The NFL’s Cleveland Browns banned a fan who hit team owner Jimmy Haslam in the head with a bottle following the Browns loss to the New York Jets. Dozens of fans who threw bottles at Haslam and missed retain the privilege of paying to see the Browns.

The COO of meat substitute maker Beyond Meat was arrested for biting the nose of a man during an altercation after a college football game. The man’s nose will be reconstructed from ground lentils and tofu.

Elton John will perform at the White House. It will be Elton’s first 2pm performance in years, followed by an early bird special where President Biden will ask him whatever happened to his bandmates in the Bay City Rollers.

300 workers at Home Depot in Philadelphia filed to form a labor union – but none of them know what aisle the caulk is in.

Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Darius Slay intercepted a pass during the team’s Monday night game over the Minnesota Vikings, then gave the football to Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden. Harden then demanded the football be traded for a beer and nachos.

A New York City weatherman was fired after he posed nude on an adult webcam site. Viewers could expect anywhere from six to eight inches.

Donald Trump ally Kash Patel published a children’s book about a rigged election. Since it’s not a pop-up book, Trump is not expected to read it.

A U.S. health panel now recommends all adults under age 65 be screened for anxiety. Although they don’t have any ideas for what to do about adults with anxiety about doctor visits.

A judge halted the execution of an Alabama inmate who requested to die by nitrogen hypoxia, after his lawyers argued he would suffer “irreparable injury” from lethal injection. Alabama prison officials argued that irreparable injury is kind of the whole point of execution.

A Kentucky prosecutor was suspended for offering to assist a female defendant if she sent him nude photos. The prosecutor said he was just trying to help out his cousin.

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Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

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The 1990s murder-for-hire of a New Jersey woman by her husband – the leader of a synagogue – has been made into a musical A Wicked Soul In Cherry Hill, upsetting the Jewish community. The play’s original title was Can’t Rabbi Me Love.

United Airlines said no passengers were hurt when a jet landing at Washington DC’s Reagan Airport blew out two tires. Although passengers were angry when AAA said they’d take two hours to arrive and fix it.

Sarah Palin lost her defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Things didn’t look good when the jury sent the judge a note asking if it was possible to defame an imbecile.

Prince Andrew reached an out-of-court financial settlement in a sexual assault case brought by a woman who met him through Jeffrey Epstein when she was underage. Amounts were not disclosed, but it’s believed to equal the cost of lots of massages.

Gymnast Simone Biles got engaged to Houston Texans football player Jonathan Owens, who plans to give her the twisties on their honeymoon

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler opened Janie’s House, a home for abused women, named after the song Janie’s Got A Gun, where a teen girl shoots her abusive father. Residents receive housing, occupational training and target practice.

President Biden will allow the January 6th Commission to review White House logs to see who visited Donald Trump on the day of the riots, other than the usual visits from the spray tan lady and the Grubhub Big Mac guy.

Libya held the first-ever beauty pageant for chickens. But the big winner is the woman who got rich sewing all the evening gowns & swimsuits.

Russian skater Kamila Valieva said she tested positive for a banned substance because she mistakenly took her grandfather’s medication. Valieva also said taking her grandfather’s medication made it difficult to skate because of her huge boner.

Pregnant inmates in a Pennsylvania state prison trial program will be permitted access to doula services. A doula provides physical & emotional support to women before, during & after childbirth – and also keeps lookout when the inmates want to hook up with the guards again.

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President Biden will make 500 million at-home COVID tests available for free – just pay $9.95 for shipping & handling.

A female rookie NYC Police officer was recorded giving a lap dance to her married lieutenant at the precinct Christmas party. The lieutenant was busted down to transit duty, and the rookie officer was promoted to lieutenant.

The state of California sued Walmart for illegally dumping over one million items of hazardous waste. Walmart said they had to, because the Lunchables had expired.

The Grove, a high-end outdoor shopping complex in Los Angeles, now installs barbed-wire-like metal coil fencing after hours to prevent smash-and-grab robberies. A spokesman said it’s there to encourage a return to traditional daylight shoplifting.

Peloton shares tumbled when executives said sales of exercise bikes and treadmills fell 17% in the most recent quarter. They announced a recovery plan – selling less-expensive bicycle-and-treadmill shaped clothes hangers.

Health experts say people may not know they have the Omicron COVID variant, since its symptoms most mirror the common cold: runny nose, sneezing, sore throat, and calling out of work because you’ve “never been this sick in your life”.

Rite-Aid is closing 60 locations, but promises to provide assistance to relocate the panhandlers in front of the affected stores.

Christina Aguilera marked her 41st birthday by posting topless photos to Instagram, captioning them ‘XTINA XLI’ – though most people who’ve seen the photos would call them ‘XTINA DDD’

Viral TikTok ‘stars’ the Island Boys attended Jake Paul’s knockout victory over Tyron Woodley in Tampa, but were booed and doused with beer. Their appearance also angered gamblers who’d bet heavily that Jake Paul would be the biggest douchebag to show up at the fight.

‘Frodo’, the last surviving pit bull from Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring passed away peacefully at age 15. Before he died, Frodo enjoyed a steak dinner, then told his puppies his last wish – that they repeatedly piss on Michael Vick’s leg.

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Researchers at University of California developed a reusable ice cube that lasts 13 hours without melting or growing mold – great news for blackout alcoholics who like to wake up with their drink still cold.

One of Jeffrey Epstein’s butlers testified at Ghislaine Maxwell’s trial that one of his duties was to clean a two-headed dildo used in Epstein’s massage room and return it to Maxwell’s bathroom. He also testified of the many uses of Dawn dish detergent.

A rare all-white sperm whale was spotted in the Caribbean, acting like it was better than the more common gray and black sperm whales.

HBO executives worried that The Sopranos actor James Gandolfini was going to die because of his alcohol and drug binges. Gandolfini finished the series, but was eventually whacked by his own heart.

Governor Ron Desantis is proposing a 200-person paramilitary force that reports to him, with no federal accountability. However, they may not garner much respect since he wants to name them the ‘Florida Men’.

A Florida bride passed out and vomited from dehydration during her wedding ceremony, then her infant nephew defecated on her dress at the reception. The story was the featured event on the Society Page of the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

Drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman’s wife, Emma Coronel Aispuro, was sentenced to 36 months in a California prison for her role in drug cartel activity. She begged the judge for leniency, saying it will take her 10-year-old twin daughters at least a year to build a tunnel to visit her.

A Houston woman claims she’s pregnant with NBA star – and Khloe Kardashian’s baby-daddy – Tristan Thompson’s child, after Thompson spent too much time in the shooting lane.

President Biden’s new COVID-19 policies allow for free at-home testing. Trump supporters are already complaining of false negative results after urinating on the test swabs.

Malls and event planners are encountering a nationwide shortage of Santas this holiday season. “Of COURSE you are, there’s only one, you dipsh*ts!” said a 6-year-old economist.

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The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service declared the ivory-billed woodpecker officially extinct. 22 other lesser-known species were also named extinct, but nobody cares because they never got their own cartoon.

Former ‘Even Stevens’ star Christy Carlson Romano said she blew much of her Disney Channel earnings on psychic readings and crystals. Though she remains conflicted, since her psychic predicted she’d be really bad with money.

President Biden cancelled a trip to Chicago, saying he’ll remain in Washington to see his economic agenda get murdered, instead.

Lava continued to erupt from Spain’s La Palma volcano, flowing into the sea and releasing toxic gas – more lethal than a Monday morning after Sunday night three-bean paella suppers.

600 United Airlines employees face termination for defying the company’s vaccine mandate. The company is asking for their attention while they’re directed to the front & rear exits of Human Resources.

Starbucks, Panera & Dunkin are offering free coffee on National Coffee Day – but they’re each charging $5 to use the restroom.

37% of people infected with COVID-19 show symptoms six months later, according to the phone calls they make to their jobs asking for Friday off.

An Illinois man died of rabies from a bat bite. His family started a GoFundMe to buy him a black cape and a coffin he can sleep in during daytime.

‘No Time To Die‘ premieres after a long delay. It shows a busy James Bond getting vaccinated in the middle of a fistfight with unmasked bad guys.

MTV is planning a new ‘Teen Mom‘ spinoff featuring show alum & porn star Farrah Abraham, titled ‘Adult Skank‘.