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Police arrested a man drilling holes in the dressing room walls of Target stores in suburban Philadelphia. No word on whether he planned to stick his Target Team Member in them.

Alabama passed the most restrictive anti-abortion law in the nation. Mississippi is next – they’re telling residents it’s illegal to shoot storks.

The College Board will assign an “Adversity Score” to students’ SAT results, in order to factor in their social and economic challenges. The scores will range from a high of “East L.A. Gang Member” to a low of “Olivia Jade”.

A Florida woman was arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon outside of a Key West strip club for throwing a coconut at a man recording video of her on his phone. She plans to fight the charge since she has a coconut permit.

A Florida man was arrested for practicing basketball in the nude at an Orlando-area park. He told cops practicing naked improves his skills. He put his clothes back on, but only after demonstrating a nifty crossover dribble from his right hand to his erect penis.

University of Washington researchers created an app that detects ear infections using a paper cone attached to the phone that you stick in your ear. You attach the cone to your phone, stick it in your ear and hope nobody calls you at that exact moment.

Taco Bell announced it’s opening The Bell: A Taco Bell Hotel & Resort this summer in Palm Springs. It’s supposedlly an immersive experience in ‘the Taco Bell lifestyle’ – which is why every suite in the hotel has four bathrooms.

SpaceX is launching a “mini constellation” of 60 satellites in an effort to deliver broadband internet access to underserved areas on the globe unable to stream porn.

Penn-Trafford school district in Pennsylvania is being criticized for putting a ‘Middle Eastern’ headdress on a teacher posing as an active shooter during a drill. The school apologized, saying its next drill will feature costumes from the drama club production of The Wizard of Oz.

Munich, Germany startup Lillum says it will offer flying taxis hailable by app starting in 2025, and wrongful death settlements starting in 2026.

 

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has delayed the Senate’s August recess in hope of getting the GOP Health Care Bill revised and passed. McConnell is waiting for D.C. to become hot as hell before attempting to get it to freeze over.

In the wake of the revelation that Donald Trump Jr met with a Russian lawyer to gather ‘dirt’ on Hillary Clinton, his father, Donald Trump, released a statement describing his son as a “high quality person”. Trump became the first sitting President to defend his child via a 3 1/2 star Yelp! review.

Donald Trump Jr stated that he released the heretofore private emails in the interest of offering “transparency”. Which is like a guy getting caught in a prostitution sting and emailing the evidence to his wife, because “transparency” fixes everything.

Warren Buffett donated $3.2 Billion in Berkshire Hathaway shares to charity. President Trump said that he, too, would donate billions to charity if he wasn’t being audited..and if he actually had billions of dollars.

80 Florida beachgoers formed a human chain to save a family from drowning in rip currents. 70 were tourists, 5 were lifeguards, and 5 sold ice cream as the chain formed.

Spain’s Iberia Airlines is under fire for requiring pregnancy tests from female applicants for flight attendant positions. The carrier defended the practice, saying they wanted to give some good news to select applicants that didn’t get the job.

  • United Airlines defended the practice, saying it’s extremely difficult for pregnant flight attendants to drag passengers off of planes.

A Watertown, NY man has constructed a “Blessing Box” – an unlocked food pantry located on his front lawn – to help the less fortunate. He claims that he’s helped feed dozens of needy families, and countless raccoons.

Facebook hinted at plans to add advertisements to its Messenger chat app — at least until you figure out how to Leave The Conversation.

Shares of Snapchat have fallen below their $17 IPO price amidst mounting losses. Owners of Snapchat stock now have an exclusive filter where they can make themselves look like jackasses.

The University of Washington has created a prototype mobile phone that doesn’t require a battery. The phone runs on ambient radio waves and solar power. The good news is that there’s no battery; the bad news is that on rainy days you lose your charger.