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Switzerland – which had previously issued only men’s underwear to all recruits – will now issue women’s underwear to female recruits. Thus ending the only long-term military conflict in Swiss history, The Battle of the Bunch.

CDC data cite COVID-19 as the 3rd-leading cause of death in 2020, right after heart disease and fights over the remote during quarantine.

Chinese police arrested a seller of video game cheat codes, who then escaped after unlocking the keypad on his jail cell with Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A.

Google Maps is being updated to include realtime weather information, for drivers who can’t see out the windows.

After spending a year in space, testing revealed that astronaut Scott Kelly’s heart shrank over 25%, due to zero gravity and his girlfriend dumping him.

Scientists discovered X-rays being emitted by Uranus – an even greater risk to melting your friend’s faces off.

A Pennsylvania pharmacist who wears a Superman suit to his vaccination clinics has given COVID-19 shots to over 15,000 people. However, a different pharmacist dressed as Lex Luthor has vaccinated over 15,000 with a mind control chip.

Ikea introduced a low-cost $55 air purifier, the Ffarrteerasr.

A plane being used for a gender reveal crashed into the ocean in Mexico, killing the pilot and a passenger. The reveal was confusing becuase of the pink dust floating in the blue sea.

Boxer Manny Pacquiao called people attacking Asian-Americans “cowards” and told them to “fight me instead”. A man who assaulted an elderly Chinese woman agreed to fight Pacquiao, and will make $750,000.

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Amazon announced that Amazon Key members can have packages delivered to the trunks of their cars — explaining the rash of drone crashes on the nation’s interstate highways.

Facebook released 25 pages of documents to show how it polices bullying and hate speech. Twitter also released its guide book, ‘How To Improve Your Bullying and Hate Speech’.

Oxford University researchers claim that hydrogen sulfide clouds make the atmosphere of Uranus smell like farts. They added that no human will ever experience it due to -200 Celsius temperatures, but said that if anyone wanted to come close, they could always use a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop toilet in December.

Police making a traffic stop arrested a Delaware woman for operating a “one-pot” meth lab in her Volkswagen Jetta. She was planning to use the money she made to buy an SUV and expand to a three-pot meth lab.

  • One-pot mobile meth labs are apparently expanding in popularity, as more and more Americans deliver for Amazon.

Google announced that it had taken down over 8 million objectionable YouTube videos over the last three months — giving you that excuse you’ve needed to explain why you haven’t watched your friend’s stand-up comedy debut.

Google followed the lead of Apple, Samsung & Twitter and changed its handgun emoji to a water gun. The change was protested by the Wicked Witch of the West.

Comcast has made a $31 Billion acquisition offer for European broadcaster Sky, in a coup to expand its World Class reputation for customer service to a whole new continent.

Global wine production slumped to its lowest level in 60 years in 2017, according to data from the International Organization of Vine and Wine, threatening to make cheap wine more expensive and lower in quality. “Hmm..I detect notes of elderberries, paint thinner and antifreeze..” said an oenophile hobo before wetting himself and falling asleep.

The new Gmail begins rolling out to users this week, featuring Confidential Mode – messages that can’t be forwarded or printed by recipients, and can be made to disappear after being read. The technology is being hailed as a breakthrough by office creeps looking to sexually harass coworkers.

Two former NFL cheerleaders offered to drop their discrimination lawsuit against the league in exchange for a one-dollar settlement and a meeting with Commissioner Roger Goodell. The women want to ask Goodell about their low pay & long hours, and if he has spirit!