By |

In the interest of gender inclusion, Boy Scouts of America is changing their name to Scouting America. However, Scoutmasters are still expected to continue Molesting America.

Panera Bread is discontinuing their caffeine-fortified Charged Lemonade following deaths of customers who drank it. “When life gives you lawsuits, you stop making Charged Lemonade” said Panera’s spokesperson.

Attorney’s in Donald Trump’s hush money case called for a mistrial during sexually explicit testimony from Stormy Daniels. The judge dismissed the motion saying that, unlike the sex between Trump & Daniels, the testimony won’t end prematurely.

Financial experts say more Americans are making the financial mistake of “spaving” – spending more to save more via Free Shipping minimums or get ‘buy one, get one offers’. They say the practice is resulting in more and more ‘spankruptcies’

Kim Kardashian’s extreme waist-cinching corset beneath her Met Gala dress made it hard to breathe. She told Vogue she felt “so snatched I (can’t tell) you how snatched I feel.” Fortunately Pete Davidson, Reggie Bush, Kanye West, Ray J, and many other athletes & celebrities know how snatched she feels – or something like that.

Anaheim, California City Council approved a massive $1.9 billion Disneyland expansion proposal called Disneyland Forward. They also rejected a smaller proposal called Disneyland Backward that would have featured freak shows and attractions targeting poor people who can’t afford Disneyland.

The Biden Administration is reportedly halting bomb shipments to Israel – although that didn’t stop ‘Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire’ from opening in cinemas in Tel Aviv & Jerusalem.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard posted sexy, post-plastic-surgery snaps on Instagram, reminding followers that there’s always hope. And that if hope runs out, you can always convince someone to murder whoever is keeping you down.

A zoo in China dyed two small dogs black-and-white and exhibited them as panda cubs. Zoogoers quickly recognized them as fakes, but that isn’t stopping the zoo from opening the new zebra exhibit with a couple of dobermans.

A doctor accused of fatally poisoning his wife listed his relationship status as ‘widower’ on dating app Bumble before her alleged murder. He found he got more dates that way than by calling himself an ‘aspiring widower’.

By |

A former McDonald’s corporate chef shared a video with a recipe for Big Mac ‘secret sauce’ – mayonnaise, pickle relish, paprika, mustard, onion powder, granulated garlic & white pepper. But to get it just right you need a teenager to spit in it.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson is rumored to be cast as the next James Bond – the first Jewish actor to portray ‘007’. Producers are considering a remake of Goldfinger, and are auditioning actresses to portray Pussy Galorowitz.

Brain-chip implant company Neuralink revealed its first human trial patient, Noland Arbaugh, a quadraplegic. Arbaugh demonstrated on his laptop that he could move virtual chess pieces with his mind – but didn’t realize he was playing Candy Land.

Dunkin’ is honoring short, confident men with a limited-time small iced coffee drink called ‘The Short King’ – while continuing to insult those same men by selling Munchkins.

New York Attorney General Letitia James has taken initial steps to seize Donald Trump’s golf course in the event he can’t come up with $454 million in cash. James was seen wearing a hardhat & warming up a backhoe to move Ivana’s body.

Wildlife authorities in Ontario rescued a skunk with its head stuck in a peanut butter jar. By “wildlife authorities” they meant a dog who really wanted the peanut butter.

A two-headed rat snake at a Missouri wildlife refuge will undergo surgery after workers said the snake sneezing blood was a ‘red flag’ – but apparently the two heads are no big deal.

A Missouri zoo is asking for the public’s help naming a new baby kangaroo. Meanwhile, a Mississippi zoo is also asking for help naming a baby kangaroo, because Mississippians keep wanting to name it “dinner”.

DoorDash is now piloting drone deliveries in the U.S. So far multiple customers have suffered serious injuries getting their Chinese food off the roof.

Facebook has resurrected the ‘Poke’….to the delight of boomers who haven’t been poked in forever.