Amazon updated Ring doorbell software so you can request that video not be shared with police departments. You can also refuse a request from neighborhood punks for video of you stomping out a flaming bag of dog poop with your new wingtips.
Golf Monthly released its list of Best Drivers for 2020. Categories include Distance, Game Improvement, and Easiest To Snap Over Your Thigh.
An elementary school fundraiser had to pay $250 of their proceeds to Disney because they collected donations before playing a DVD of The Lion King. The money was collected by a leather-jacketed Mickey Mouse holding a 3rd grader against a brick wall.
The Presidential Medal of Freedom was given to Rush Limbaugh, who announced he has advanced lung cancer, which means Trump will be able to take his medal back pretty soon.
“Yes, I’ll continue to hold” said Bernie Sanders after 30 straight hours on hold with the Iowa Democratic Party I/T Help Desk.
A man dragging 99 smartphones in a red toy wagon tricked Google Maps into thinking he was creating huge traffic jams. He also created several road rage fistfights among Big Wheel-driving toddlers while he blocked the sidewalk.
A cannabis company co-founded by Whoopi Goldberg, which marketed medical marijuana to women dealing with menstrual pain, is shutting down. She’s starting a new medical marijuana company for women dealing with menopausal boredom.
Google will sell its augmented reality headset, Google Glass Enterprise Edition 2 for $999. However, it comes with a warning to cash-rich nerds that you still won’t be able to see through women’s clothing.
To replace a young boy’s teddy bear lost on a flight over the Thanksgiving holiday, Southwest Airlines replaced it with a new teddy bear dressed like a Southwest employee. The bear tells lousy jokes, gets union-mandated breaks every two hours, and tells the boy he needs to lose weight if he wants to fly Southwest again.
The mother of a six-year-old daughter named Alexa wrote a letter to Jeff Bezos, saying her child’s life has been ruined by jokes about the digital assistant. Bezos responded with a recommendation that the woman start calling her kid something different, like Toots.