One of Donald Trump’s personal valets tested positive for coronavirus; the diagnosis was a byproduct of weekly testing that all Trump valets undergo for STDs and pregnancy.

Kevin Spacey compared his downfall to people losing jobs during the pandemic. Both Spacey and hourly laborers lost work because of something attacking young men.

Brett Favre is repaying Mississippi $1.1 million in welfare money he received for speeches he never gave and personal appearances he didn’t attend. Now, Mississippi just needs to find a resident who can count to 1.1 million.

The Supreme Court overturned the convictions of two aides to then-New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for manipulating George Washington Bridge traffic to create jams. Christie called the ruling a lot of baloney, then ate it.

An Oklahoma City woman opened fire on a McDonald’s after being told she couldn’t enter the closed dining area because of coronavirus restrictions. Three employees were hit, and will receive Purple Grimace Hearts.

A Florida lizard broke a record by defecating 80 percent of its body weight at once. The lizard was so full of shit, it was given a job as White House Press Secretary.

A new study found coronavirus in semen. “NO, that’s NOT how I got it” say women with COVID-19 talking to their Moms.

Queen guitarist Brian May says he tore his buttocks while gardening – as opposed to Queen’s late vocalist Freddie Mercury, who tore his buttocks routinely while touring.

A new Comcast study claims customers are watching eight more hours of TV a day while in pandemic isolation. They plan to use the data as justification for charging people twice as much.

Fast food restaurants report steep declines in breakfast sales while customers isolate and sleep later during the pandemic.  The CDC sent a thank-you letter to Arby’s CEO for making fewer people sick, since ERs are already swamped.