Actor Bruce Willis was kicked out of a Rite Aid pharmacy for refusing to wear a face mask, so he still doesn’t know how much money he can save with his GoodRX card.

Congress is voting to impeach Donald Trump. CSPAN is reminding viewers that this is original content, not a rerun.

Anti-Trump activists are pledging $50 Million to Republicans who support impeachment. Texas Representative Louie Gohmert stepped down and will yield his seat to his long-lost anti-Trump triplet brothers, Hewey and Dewey Gohmert.

After a photo of a lookalike went viral, Chuck Norris’ agent said the actor was not at the January 6th DC riots. Millions of Americans were fooled, and also surprised that Chuck Norris still has an agent.

The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service is investigating how a protected manatee in Florida ended up with the word TRUMP etched into the algae on its skin. Their first step was confirming that it was, indeed, a manatee, and not Chris Christie.

New York City is cancelling all contracts with the Trump Organization. Trump managed two NYC skating rinks, a golf course, the Central Park carousel, and a big-ticket roster of high-priced call girls.

Ellen Degeneres said she found out she’d tested positive for COVID-19 in December while backstage at her talk show. She returned to the show yesterday to find the production assistant who gave her the bad news – and fired them.

General Motors debuted a flying concept car, the Cadillac Halo. Senior citizens are encouraged to get on the waiting list and be the first to crash a Halo in to their garage door.

YouTube took down newly-uploaded video content from Donald Trump and gave his account one ‘strike’, or a 7-day ban. Content moderators say he isn’t quite ready yet for standup comedy.

Gaming company Razer is using vending machines to give away free face masks in Singapore, leading to a 1000% increase in canings to pedestrians who toss them on the sidewalk.

Donald Trump says he’s being assisted in debate preparation by Chris Christie. Christie was seen reading a lengthy order at the McDonald’s drive-thru.

A judge overturned a ban on Uber operating in London. The decision is regarded as a huge victory for British creeps.

17 apps were removed from the Google Play store for containing malware that secretly billed the user for WAP services. That’s ‘Wireless Application Protocol’, not the good WAP.

Demi Lovato posted a photo to Instagram wearing a shirt reading “Dogs Over People”, just after breaking off her engagement to actor Max Ehrlich. She’s now engaged to her dog.

Joe Montana and his wife stopped an intruder who tried to take their 9-month-old grandchild from their home. Jennifer Montana took the baby back, and was credited with a forced turnover, the intruder was credited with one carry for no gain.

Photos from Europe’s CHEOPS Space Telescope revealed WASP-189b – one of the “hottest, most extreme planets” in orbit. The photos are of extraterrestrials doing sick, backside 1080s while chugging Mountain Dew Code Red.

NASA is sending a new space toilet to the International Space Station, which they say is optimized for use by female astronauts. Which is NASA’s way of saying women get their own toilet, instead of having to wait six hours after the men use it.

California prisons will now house inmates by the gender they identify as. Commissaries at men’s prisons say they can’t keep up with demand for makeup, wigs and dresses the convicts are ordering for their transfer hearings.

Magawa, a giant rat, was given a gold medal by a British veterinary group for his work detecting unexploded land mines in Cambodia. Magawa then spent the rest of day trying to alternately eat, and have sex with, the medal.

Former Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale was hospitalized after barricading himself in his house and threatening self-harm. Negotiators said the self-harm was either shooting himself, or going to work for Trump again.

One of Donald Trump’s personal valets tested positive for coronavirus; the diagnosis was a byproduct of weekly testing that all Trump valets undergo for STDs and pregnancy.

Kevin Spacey compared his downfall to people losing jobs during the pandemic. Both Spacey and hourly laborers lost work because of something attacking young men.

Brett Favre is repaying Mississippi $1.1 million in welfare money he received for speeches he never gave and personal appearances he didn’t attend. Now, Mississippi just needs to find a resident who can count to 1.1 million.

The Supreme Court overturned the convictions of two aides to then-New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for manipulating George Washington Bridge traffic to create jams. Christie called the ruling a lot of baloney, then ate it.

An Oklahoma City woman opened fire on a McDonald’s after being told she couldn’t enter the closed dining area because of coronavirus restrictions. Three employees were hit, and will receive Purple Grimace Hearts.

A Florida lizard broke a record by defecating 80 percent of its body weight at once. The lizard was so full of shit, it was given a job as White House Press Secretary.

A new study found coronavirus in semen. “NO, that’s NOT how I got it” say women with COVID-19 talking to their Moms.

Queen guitarist Brian May says he tore his buttocks while gardening – as opposed to Queen’s late vocalist Freddie Mercury, who tore his buttocks routinely while touring.

A new Comcast study claims customers are watching eight more hours of TV a day while in pandemic isolation. They plan to use the data as justification for charging people twice as much.

Fast food restaurants report steep declines in breakfast sales while customers isolate and sleep later during the pandemic.  The CDC sent a thank-you letter to Arby’s CEO for making fewer people sick, since ERs are already swamped.

 

Facebook announced it’s cracking down on personality quizzes, because Mark Zuckerberg keeps failing them.

North Korea billed the United States $2 million for the care of deceased political prisoner Otto Warmbier for the period he was comatose in a North Korean jail. And that’s just the copay.

Aides to former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie were sentenced to prison for their roles in ‘Bridgegate’ – shutting down lanes of the George Washington Bridge out of spite against Christie’s rivals. Christie claimed to have no part in shutting down bridge lanes, saying he was busy closing his arteries.

In a People magazine story, friends of Lori Loughlin say she’s concerned her role in the Operation Varsity Blues sting will ruin her reputation, presumably among those who have never seen her act.

An aggressive squirrel has reportedly attacked “at least” five people in Seattle’s Prospect Park. Meaning, five people are big enough pussies to admit being attacked by a squirrel, and others are proud enough to keep it to themselves. [h/t to J.L.]

A Florida man is lucky to be alive after cutting his hand with a fishing hook and contracting ‘necrotizing fasciitis’ – flesh-eating bacteria that almost caused him to lose his arm or kill him. Meanwhile, his family called the fish they ate for dinner as “not great”.

Emirati woman Munira Abdulla awoke after being in a coma since a car accident in 1991. Her first words after 27 years were “shave my legs”.

BuzzFeed shared an article listing the best times to take a 3-minute bathroom break during the 3-hour long Avengers: Endgame. They suggest “anytime” once you’ve downloaded a bootlegged copy and paused it.

A Pittsburgh-area woman with a restraining order against her abusive ex-boyfriend discovered that he’d been secretly living in her attic for weeks. She told police that she had suspicions, with clues including the toilet seat left up, missing blankets, and a really smelly attic.

The Internal Revenue Service has designated the Satanic Temple in Salem, Massachusetts as a tax-exempt church, so good luck getting Donald Trump to pay taxes on Mar-A-Lago.

 

Two elementary school boys in Utah found a handgun in a snowbank, possibly discarded after a nearby domestic dispute. The boys had no problem holding everyone’s attention in Show & Tell, and easily found dates to the big school dance that weekend.

The average federal tax refund is down 8% so far this year, leading to an increase in sales of cheaper liquor.

Denver’s public school teachers went on strike Monday, saying their salaries are too low to keep up with both the city’s high cost of living, and legal-weed Colorado’s cost of living high.

The Cleveland Browns signed running back Kareem Hunt, who had been waived by the Kansas City Chiefs for physically abusing a woman. The Browns are kicking the tires, and hope tires are all Hunt kicks.

Cardi B mistakenly thanked Tom Petty for sending her congratulatory flowers after the Grammy Awards. Petty, who died in 2017, did not send them, but worked as hard as he could pushing them up.

Marlboro cigarette owner Altria invested $1.8 billion in cannabis company Cronos. They’re now busy casting the new Marlboro Man from a pool of white male douchebags with dreadlocks riding an electric scooter.

UCLA Medical Center developed an interactive pacifier to improve breathing for premature infants; it triggers a lullaby sung by a parent when they suck on it. It works well for the majority of babies, but some are spitting it out because their moms are lousy singers.

According to a new study, eating ultra-processed foods like sugary cereal shortens your life.  “Give me Fruity Pebbles AND give me death!” said a defiant child.

A powerful storm battered Hawai’i with 191mph winds and 60 foot waves. “Surfs up!” said people with flooded basements.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen postponed his scheduled Congressional testimony a third time – citing ‘post surgery medical needs.’ It’s unclear who ordered the surgery to remove Cohen’s tongue.

Chris Christie denied any ongoing rift with President Trump, saying Trump has offered him jobs including Secretary of Labor, Director of Homeland Security, Special Assistant & two ambassadorships…but that those aren’t jobs that he wanted. Trump has yet to offer him White House fry cook.

A gadget called LoveSync is seeking funding via Kickstarter. The LoveSync has two buttons, one for each partner to press, indicating their interest in sex. If both buttons are pressed, they can decide to have sex. No price has been set, but it’s light & compact enough to throw out the window.

The FDA is considering recalling furloughed food safety inspectors, citing the popularity of Chipotle’s new Lifestyle Bowls.

Ford sold out of a new $110,000 variant of its Lincoln Continental in just two days – the car is the first in years with center-opening “suicide doors”.  Although the Mexican drug gangs purchasing most of the vehicles prefer calling them “drive-by doors”.

Uber is experimenting with self-driving bikes and scooters, for people who can’t afford riding in self-driving cars, but who still want to be involved in fatal accidents.

Samsung may release three different versions of its upcoming Galaxy S10 phone, so customers can choose whether they want to keep their pocket warm, start a fire on an end table, or burn their whole house down.

GoFundMe launched a fundraising campaign to help furloughed Federal government workers. For just $750, you can buy a Pentagon purchasing employee a bag lunch.

The National Football League announced the referees for the Super Bowl. They selected every on-field & replay official graded “terrible” during the regular season, so fans can set their expectations accordingly.

Chinese authorities declared the work of He Jiankui – creator of the first gene-edited babies – illegal. He engineered the babies to be resistant to HIV. Authorities said they may consider leniency if his ‘genetically engineered boys with huge penises’ idea pans out.

Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium – site of the Super Bowl – will keep ‘Fan First’ pricing in effect for concessions. Hot dogs will still be $2 and a beer will cost $5. The only exception: earplugs sold prior to the Maroon 5 halftime show, which will sell for $99.

Two women found a five-foot crater in the sand while walking on a New Jersey beach. They believe that it may have been caused by a meteorite strike, because of a rock they found in the center, and because Chris Christie hadn’t been to that beach in months.

President Trump marked Monday’s national holiday with a visit to the grave of Martin Luther King, Jr. Trump laid a wreath on the grave and wished King a belated Merry Christmas.

Chris Christie, in a new book, accuses Jared Kushner of a political “hit job” to oust him from possible Cabinet positions, as retaliation for Christie’s prosecution of Kushner’s father years earlier. The Guardian previewed the book, noting their advance review copy had gravy stains on it.

  • The book is titled ‘Let Me Finish’ after Christie’s favorite saying when his kids try talking to him during dinner.

YouTube is banning videos of dangerous pranks and challenges, directly resulting in the cancellation of fifty cable tv shows.

A Republican lawmaker in Missouri called pregnancies resulting from rape “God’s Silver Lining”, but only after her friend talked her out of calling it “God’s Plan B.”

Motorola is reportedly bringing back the Razr as a $1500 foldable smartphone, which is still a lot of money to spend on a phone in 2006.

Steve Carell will star in a new Netflix comedy, ‘Space Force’ — proving we live in a world where Trump’s dumb ideas are realized as multi-million dollar insults before they could ever find life as multi-billion dollar government failures.

University of Alabama QB Jalen Hurts announced he’s transferring to the University of Oklahoma. Hurts will play immediately, since he obtained his degree from Alabama in December, having completed the required curriculum of watching movies about college.

The Boston Globe reports the World Series Champion Boston Red Sox will visit the White House in mid-February. It’s unclear whether they’ll go inside to the dining room or just hit the drive-thru.

Amazon upgraded its Alexa voice assistant, so that if you ask Alexa to read out the latest news from today, her voice will sound like that of a professional newscaster- unless you ask her for sports news from Boston, Philly or New York, then her voice will sound like an annoying idiot.

The One Billion Oyster project is hoping to clean New York Harbor by repopulating it with oysterseach of which can purify up to 50 gallons of water a day before they’re harvested and eaten by New Yorkers who will vomit them back in to New York Harbor.

A mother giraffe gave birth to a calf at Disney World – horrifying families in attendance at the Princess Breakfast.

 

President Trump named Mick Mulvaney acting chief of staff. Trump had met with former NJ Governor Chris Christie to take the job. Christie was rumored to be on the short list, and also on the obese list.

A report from Oxford University found that a Russian disinformation campaign used every major social media platform to share content geared to elect Donald Trump. It was so far-reaching, Russians issued 10 million tweets, 61 thousand Facebook posts, and even made Trump’s LinkedIn profile look pretty good.

Angela Ponce of Spain became the first transgender woman to compete in the Miss Universe pageant. Ponce did not make the Top 20, despite winning the bench press competition.

Spice Girl Mel ‘Scary Spice’ B posted photos to Instagram after suffering a severed hand and broken ribs in an accident. She’s expected to make a full recovery. Asked if injures would disrupt singing and dancing for the upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour, Scary said no, since she could never sing or dance to begin with.

Offset crashed wife Cardi B’s performance at the Rolling Loud Festival in Los Angeles over the weekend, showing a floral arrangement reading TAKE ME BACK CARDI. Cardi refused, despite Offset’s promise to include her in all his future threesomes.

Former Today Show host Megyn Kelly debuted a new short haircut. Kelly said the short hair makes it easier to put on the afro wig she bought for next year’s Halloween costume.

Merriam-Webster named ‘justice’ its Word of the Year for 2018, citing a large increase in look-ups for the word – though many are believed to be confused parents trying to find the teen girls’ clothing store of the same name.

  • ‘Justice’ succeeds 2017’s Word of the Year, ‘feminism’ — President Trump is already pretty sick of them both.

Following the Chicago Bears’ win over the Green Bay Packers, Bears left tackle Charles Leno Jr proposed marriage on the sidelines to his girlfriend, Jennifer Roth. Roth said yes, and Leno entered the concussion protocol.

RadarOnline reports that 69-year-old Caitlyn Jenner and her partner, 22-year-old Sophia Hutchins, are planning to marry and welcome a baby in 2019. They’re reportedly exploring adoption or having a surrogate carry Sophia’s egg and Caitlyn’s sperm.

An autonomous food delivery robot operated by Berkeley, California startup Kiwi, burst into flames on a sidewalk during a delivery on Friday. The robot left a note saying it couldn’t live with itself any longer for delivering all of those Arby’s sandwiches.

 

 

The White House revoked the credentials of CNN’s Jim Acosta, following his tense exchange at a press conference with President Trump, when Acosta touched the arm of an intern attempting to take his mic. “Touching the White House interns is forbidden unless you’re the President” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was hospitalized, as her doctors said she suffered three fractured ribs in a fall. Justices Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, Thomas & Roberts wrote their dissent that the ribs weren’t fractured after all.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was effectively fired, submitting a resignation letter at the request of President Trump on Wednesday. Trump supposedly authored the letter on Monday, but it took Sessions & staff two days to correct the spelling and grammar errors.

Among the candidates to replace Sessions as Attorney General — former NJ Governor and Trump Transition Team member Chris Christie. Adding Christie to Trump’s staff is believed to be an inside route to getting the White House one of those black ‘Free McDonald’s For Life’ cards.

Following a worldwide employee protest last week, Google is announcing new policies around sexual harassment in the workplace — doing so via one of the most uncomfortable Google Doodles you’ll ever watch.

Former reality tv star Anna Duggar sparked rumors of her being pregnant with her sixth child after video showed her with what could be a baby bump. Other Duggar women sparked bigger rumors after videos showed them with flat stomachs, shocking the world by not being pregnant for a couple of weeks.

Brody Roybal, two-time USA Paralympic sled hockey gold medalist, climbed Chicago’s Willis Tower’s 2,149 stairs using his upper body, arms & hands on Sunday. No word on when the elevators will be fixed.

Taco Bell announced “Party By Taco Bell”, a program that will allow people to book small gatherings in Taco Bell locations between November 24 and December 22. Party By Taco Bell can be used by families, groups of friends, or companies looking for a cheap way to say how much they hate their employees.

Reddit’s ‘Apple’ community is flooded with complaints over the company nickel-and-diming their users with charges for cloud storage, dongles and other fees making it more expensive to send penis pics to disgusted women.

Walmart announced its Black Friday electronics deals. They’ll start as early as 10pm on Thanksgiving night on Walmart.com, or via stampede in-person at Midnight.

 

 

Britain is considering a ban on plastic straws, cotton swabs and other single-use items to protect the environment. No word if dental floss is under consideration, since most Brits seem to have never heard of it.

Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie angered taxpayers by committing to pay $85,000 in public funds for his official portrait – more than the cost of portraits for the three previous governors combined. The artist defended his fee, saying it’s difficult to find canvas and paint that stretches to keep getting bigger.

Photos inside the cabin of Southwest Airlines flight 1380, which made an emergency landing after an engine exploded, showed many passengers did not properly place oxygen masks over their nose and mouth. This worried federal safety regulators who want to ensure passengers are breathing freely when they think they’re going to die.

Brandy Hall of Ocean Springs, Mississippi took out a Facebook ad to find a gander to mate with her 2-year-old goose, Lucy – who had rejected several prospective mates for looking nothing like their Tinder photos.

April 20th is National School Walkout day to protest gun violence, and also the day several forgetful boys screwed up by staging elaborate high school Promposals during 3rd period when nobody’s in the building.

Alabama executed 83-year-old Walter Moody, the oldest prisoner executed in history. He was declared dead at 8:42pm. Lawyers argued his punishment was cruel and unusual, since he wouldn’t get to finish the episode of Matlock that he’d started watching at 8.

A tweet from toy maker Mattel’s official ‘Barbie’ twitter account revealed that Barbie has a last name – Roberts. Ken also has a last name, but he isn’t tweeting about it because he doesn’t want his wife to piece together what’s going on with Barbie.

The U.S. Senate unanimously passed a rule change allowing newborn babies on the Senate floor, in response to a request from Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth, who just gave birth to a baby girl, Maile. Duckworth brought Maile to a voting session where she met Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and spit up.

YouTube is under fire for placing ads from well-known brands like Amazon, Hershey, Adidas and Hilton on videos promoting racism, pedophilia and North Korean propaganda. Under Armour is pausing all YouTube ads, adding that it is not the ‘Official Footwear and Fitness Apparel Brand of Nazis and Perverts’.

56-year-old grandmother Lois Ann Reiss, accused of two murders, was caught in Texas after a weeks-long manhunt. New information revealed that while on the run, she visited a Louisiana casino and won a jackpot prize. She faces two charges of murder, and one charge of failing to send her grandson a birthday card with money in it.

Netflix released its quarterly earnings, topping analyst estimates. They now have passed 125 million monthly subscribers, and 100 billion annoying program suggestions.