One Florida teenager died after at least two teens took turns shooting at each other while they wore body armor. In other news, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet has temporarily discontinued sales of body armor.

Adidas terminated its partnership with Kanye West over his antsemitic remarks. West said that, in addition to Parler, he’ll buy the rights to, and reopen, Payless Shoe Source.

WhatsApp suffered a serious outage on Tuesday, as technicians worked feverishly to restore users ability to send and receive encrypted nude photos.

Real estate site Point2 claims there are only four cities in the U.S. where the average American can afford a ‘starter home’: Detroit; Memphis; Tulsa; and Oklahoma City. Point2 admits they could probably afford North Dakota, but admit nobody really wants to live there.

A global helium shortage threatens the viability of MRIs, which need liquid helium to cool the magnets inside. Doctors say they’re prepared with a tried-and-true backup plan: unnecessary surgery.

President Joe Biden tweeted the federal deficit was reduced by $1.4 trillion, so maybe he’ll get Ukraine those guided missile defense systems for Christmas, after all!

A Michigan man was arrested and charged after a TikTok video showed him abusing a child. People who watched the video were then served up 50 more videos of other people hurting children.

Utah recorded their first human-caused avalanche of the year in the Wasatch Mountain Range. This followed several avalanches caused by coyotes hoping to kill birds using Acme-brand detonators.

A German doctor was ordered to pay the $13,000 medical costs of a woman who overdosed and died after he covered his penis in cocaine before she performed oral sex. The doctor argued he should only pay $12,965 dollars since the woman hadn’t made her copay.

Five tourists were stuck in Grand Canyon Caverns for 26 hours when an elevator used to exit the caverns stopped working. They said it wouldn’t have been so bad, but the mules they rode to the bottom were in the elevator with them.

One of Donald Trump’s personal valets tested positive for coronavirus; the diagnosis was a byproduct of weekly testing that all Trump valets undergo for STDs and pregnancy.

Kevin Spacey compared his downfall to people losing jobs during the pandemic. Both Spacey and hourly laborers lost work because of something attacking young men.

Brett Favre is repaying Mississippi $1.1 million in welfare money he received for speeches he never gave and personal appearances he didn’t attend. Now, Mississippi just needs to find a resident who can count to 1.1 million.

The Supreme Court overturned the convictions of two aides to then-New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for manipulating George Washington Bridge traffic to create jams. Christie called the ruling a lot of baloney, then ate it.

An Oklahoma City woman opened fire on a McDonald’s after being told she couldn’t enter the closed dining area because of coronavirus restrictions. Three employees were hit, and will receive Purple Grimace Hearts.

A Florida lizard broke a record by defecating 80 percent of its body weight at once. The lizard was so full of shit, it was given a job as White House Press Secretary.

A new study found coronavirus in semen. “NO, that’s NOT how I got it” say women with COVID-19 talking to their Moms.

Queen guitarist Brian May says he tore his buttocks while gardening – as opposed to Queen’s late vocalist Freddie Mercury, who tore his buttocks routinely while touring.

A new Comcast study claims customers are watching eight more hours of TV a day while in pandemic isolation. They plan to use the data as justification for charging people twice as much.

Fast food restaurants report steep declines in breakfast sales while customers isolate and sleep later during the pandemic.  The CDC sent a thank-you letter to Arby’s CEO for making fewer people sick, since ERs are already swamped.