Florida Governor Ron Desantis blamed the state’s surging COVID-19 infections and hospitalizations on immigrants. “Technically, we’re from Louisiana” said the immigrants.

Donald Trump is planning to sell gold-plated ‘Trump Cards’ to supporters on his mailing list. It’s unclear what benefit the cards provide, although there’s speculation they earn points at the prison stores where January 6th rioters are jailed.

Bill Gates said it was a “huge mistake” spending time with Jeffrey Epstein, adding how embarrassed he was when underage girls would laugh when he tried giving them Zunes as gifts.

Meghan Markle turned 40, earning the new title Duchess Cougar of Sussex.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards is reportedly in advanced negotiations to become the game show’s permanent host, after his failed tryout for quarterback at Green Bay Packers camp.

Hawaii plans to limit the number of tourists to the island of Oahu. “Mahalo” now means “thanks for staying away”.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts said he’ll be unavailable to join the group on their fall tour, leaving the band scrambling to find an 80-year-old drum machine to fill in.

Both Chevrolet and Hyundai issued massive recalls to replace batteries on electric vehicles – or, in some cases, just rotate them 180 degrees so the + and – line up.

New research claims people spend over 50% of their time not being ‘in the moment’. The number increases to 98% while they’re having sex and imagining someone else.

Richard Trumka, President of labor union AFL-CIO, passed away at age 72. His burial is scheduled for whenever the concrete pilings are poured for the next big football stadium that gets built.