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Smoke inhalation from wildfires is linked to dementia. This, after studying bears who survived the fires, but forgot that they shit in what’s left of the woods.

Los Angeles Police are speculating that organized crime or gangs are behind the smash & grab robbery at a Nordstrom store resulting in $300,000 in lost merchandise. Others think some customers are angry they missed discounts at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.

A 13-year-old boy survived a 100-foot fall at the north rim of the Grand Canyon while on a family trip. He’s recovering and was released from the hospital, but his Dad is still pissed that he messed up their plans to drive to Sedona.

Two American tourists got drunk and spent the night sleeping atop the Eiffel Tower. Police in Paris, France say this is a rare occurrence; police in Las Vegas say it happens pretty much every night at the replica outside the Paris hotel.

According to Nielsen, streaming tv viewing hours topped broadcast & cable tv viewing hours for the first time in July, 2023. Researchers cited the increase in the number of streaming services, and Fox News viewers dying in their recliners.

Clarence Avant, a longtime music industry executive known as the ‘Godfather of Black Music’, passed away at age 92. His title now formally passes to Jay-Z.

Margot Robbie is projected to earn as much as $50 million in her role as Executive Producer of the ‘Barbie‘ movie. She plans to invest her real dough to fund her other passion project, ‘Play-Doh‘

FBI agents in Philadelphia launched a raid on a teenager they describe as an “aspiring terrorist’ living in the city. They seized weapons, bomb-making materials, communications with an al-Qaeda affiliate, and multiple Dallas Cowboys jerseys.

A Florida woman allegedly murdered her elderly roommate, then doused herself in Diet Mountain Dew to erase DNA evidence. She was charged with murder while lying in the hospital bed where she’s being treated for second-degree chemical burns.

iPhone users are saying the Emergency SOS feature – which sends messages via satellite to first responders in service outages – saved lives during the Maui wildfires. Although now Apple is warning people to stop using it to locate late pizza deliveries.

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An Ohio woman was stunned when the Kroger grocery store app charged her $2,783 for a $282 order. Meanwhile, a different woman was stunned that her three-bag order of Whole Foods organic produce was just $2,800.

A 24-year-old Florida woman’s chronic burping led to a diagnosis of a cancerous tumor on her colon, which was later removed and found to be mostly made up of beef Chalupas.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos donated $100 million to the disaster recovery effort following Maui’s devastating wildfires. He’s hoping they rebuild quickly, because he really prefers parking his superyacht there instead of Honolulu.

Star & executive producer Margot Robbie said she originally wanted Israeli actress Gal Gadot to play the lead in Barbie – but gave up after Gadot’s request for 23 different religious holidays.

The James Webb Space Telescope captured an image of the most distant star ever seen — 600-pound, mid-1980s Marlon Brando.

New apps utilize artificial intelligence to create bots that users can chat with as practice before chatting with real people on dating apps. Though even the girlfriend bots tire quickly of being asked to show men their digitits.

Following several shark attacks off of New York beaches, police & fire crews will use drones to scan for sharks one hour before the beaches open. They say it’s getting expensive on account of angry sharks biting the drones.

A smash-and-grab mob stole over $100,000 from a Los Angeles-area Nordstrom department store. Thieves later posted online, praising the store’s signature customer service for helping them find sizes and place the goods in bags.

Tampa Bay Rays shortstop Wander Franco is accused of social media activity including an inappropriate relationship with a minor. Specifics weren’t given, but Franco allegedly offered gifts to the first 10,000 female fans ages 14 & under.

Disgruntled Philadelphia 76ers star James Harden called team President Daryl Morey a “liar” and said he’ll no longer play for the Sixers. As proof, Harden cited a statement where Morey said Harden “played great defense”.

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Below Deck Down Under stars Luke Jones & Laura Bileskalne were fired for sexual misconduct after both tried to get in bed with castmates without consent. In each case, the person already in the bed refused to let them down under or below deck.

A study finds acid reflux drugs are tied to increased incidents of dementia. Nursing home patients are furious at the cancellation of pizza & wings night.

The genre of music known as hip-hop turned 50, making it eligible for AARP-hop.

Playing football may increase the risk of Parkinson’s disease, according to a new study. According to another study, Parkinson’s disease makes it much more likely you’ll be cut from the football team.

Five members of white supremacist group Patriot Front are suing The Idaho Stateman newspaper for revealing their identities. They claim this resulted in harassment, vandalism, and job loss. Although on the plus side they’ve also been uninvited from family reunions.

Amazon is sending warning emails to office employees who are spending too many days working from home. They’re threatening that if they don’t become better office employees, they’ll make them warehouse employees.

Americans are reportedly feeling gloomier about the nation’s economy for the first time this summer. This is shocking to economists, who say this time of year is usually much more cheerful while parents buy shit to send their awful kids back to school.

Kenosha, Wisconsin police pummeled a man in an Applebees as he held a baby in his arms, because they mistakenly thought he was a hit & run driver. They found the real suspect hiding in the bathroom, after the wrong guy was Beaten Good In The Neighborhood.

A supermarket in Austria was shut down because a Brazilian wandering spider – whose bite can cause long painful erections – was found in the bananas. However, before they closed, a bunch of 70-year-olds bought out all the bananas.

A Hungarian woman born with two vaginas, two uteri & two cervices gave birth to what’s being called a “miracle baby” – arriving via door #1.

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Special Counsel Jack Smith obtained a search warrant for Donald Trump’s Twitter account. No word on discovery of incriminating evidence, but he sure did DM the cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ quite a bit.

Security workers at Los Angeles SoFi Stadium are reportedly accepting $60-100 dollar bribes to let people without tickets in to Taylor Swift concerts. Then, once inside, they can buy $200 sweatshirts.

The Mayor of Tampa found bags of cocaine floating in the ocean while on vacation. Now she’s Mayor of Bogota, Colombia.

The Emmy Awards were postponed from September, 2023 to Martin Luther King Jr. Day in January, 2024. Actors will need to decide between the festive black-tie gala or the volunteer work they’d scheduled for that day.

The final season of Disney Channel’s High School Musical: The Musical: The Series reveals that original sweethearts Troy & Gabriella are now in couples therapy 15 years later. Oddly, the therapy is with their guidance counselors.

A white mother is suing Southwest Airlines over a crew inquring that she may be trafficking her biracial daughter. The woman states if she were a real human trafficker, she’d have flown Spirit Airlines for the deep-discount rates they offer to those in the industry.

Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Michael Lorenzen threw a no-hitter in his first home start for the team. His achievement was celebrated by Phillies fans throwing multiple hits at Washington Nationals fans in the parking lot.

Contestant Luke Valentine was removed from CBS’ ‘Big Brother‘ after repeatedly using the n-word on camera. Valentine will join the housemates on new CBS reality series ‘Bigot Brother‘.

Dorney Park amusement park in Allentown, Pennsylvania revealed plans for a new roller coaster, Iron Menace, to debut next year. They say it will simulate riding a rail car through a steel mill. At the end of the ride, everyone gets fired.

Three people in Australia died from ‘death cap’ mushroom poisoning after attending a family lunch. That evening’s family dinner featured a different caterer.

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The City of Philadelphia is changing all of its street lights to high-efficiency LED technology, following thousands of complaints from residents who couldn’t see who they were shooting or what car they were jacking.

A 35-year-old Indiana woman died of water toxicity after drinking too much water while on vacation – making one more public relations black eye for Dasani.

A tornado made landfall on Cape Cod earlier in the week – confirmed as a Category EF1, or, according to locals, a Wicked Twistah.

A 65 year old. woman suffered severe leg injuries after being bitten by a shark at New York’s Rockaway Beach. Officials blame warmer water temperatures, and sharks evolving taste for dry aged meat.

Los Angeles municipal workers joined hotel employees, actors, and writers on strike. So that’s pretty much everybody.

Rapper Tory Lanez was sentenced to 10 years in prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion. She showed her approval for the stiff sentence by clomping her hoof once.

An umpire called up from Triple-A to work first base during Game 1 of a Phillies/Nationals doubleheader had 3 calls overturned by manager challenges. Major League Baseball announced he’s being promoted to Crew Chief.

The Made In America music festival in Philadelphia was cancelled by organizers, citing “severe circumstances outside of production control”. Although insiders say headliner Lizzo had fat-shamed a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, Gritty, and the Phillie Phanatic.

A United States nurse working in Haiti has been released by Haitian gang members who’d kidnapped her & her daughter. She’s thankful to be free and looking forward to being kidnapped in someplace a lot nicer.

Burger King announced a $400 million turnaround plan to reverse declining customer visits – $250 million in restaurant renovations, $150 million in advertising and digital app development, and $0 on the food.

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One person was injured following a fire at a Sherwin Williams paint factory in Texas. First responders described the fire as Summer Citrus Orange.

Florida officials kicked off the 10-day Florida Python Challenge – with $30,000 in prizes to humanely kill invasive Burmese Pythons. Hundreds of pythons have been removed, although several competitors in the Youth Division are reported missing.

The American Red Cross implemented new LGBTQ+-friendly blood donor guidelines. Transfusion recipients will have the ability to opt out of receiving the LGBTQ-donated blood which will definitely make them gay.

A Miami woman was arrested for hiring a hitman to kill her 3-year-old son. Daycare workers apprehended a 4-year-old as he wrapped the cord of a Sesame Street phone around the target’s neck during naptime.

An Italian man died after being crushed to death by thousands of wheels of cheese. It took 11 hours for workers to find his body under the wheels, and another 11 hours to remove the cheese they grated to get to him.

Sandra Bullock’s longtime partner Bryan Randall died at age 57. Bullock requested privacy while she awaits meeting a handsome widower at a farmer’s market who, over the course of 100 minutes, convinces her that she can fall in love again.

Kim Kardashian revealed she recently broke her shoulder, admitting she wasn’t ready to pick up and hold her own children. [Alternate: Kim Kardashian revealed she broke her shoulder, but won’t say how she managed to sit on it.]

Five teenagers were shot at a Philadelphia playground. All are expected to survive, but they’re also now “It” in their ongoing game of Philly Tag.

Zoom is requiring some workers to return to physical offices, and will offer additional training on how employees can mute coworkers in-person.

A New York City landlord lost a court battle to evict a tenant who claimed to be opening an acupuncture clinic, but opened a brothel instead. Either way, someone is still being stuck as others are getting screwed.

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The FDA approved the first-ever pill to treat postpartum depression. It’s a sleeping pill for babies.

Chris Christie returned from an unannounced trip to Ukraine and spoke of the atrocities he experienced there – like seeing a blown-up McDonald’s in Kyiv.

Elon Musk said his ‘cage match’ with Mark Zuckerberg may be delayed. He’s getting an MRI on his neck and upper back to see if they’ve been damaged by carrying around his fat head.

Amidst a record-breaking heat wave, an oncoming typhoon will force the evacuation of 40,000 youths & adults at the World Scout Jamboree in South Korea. No scouts have died, but if they do, organizers are promising posthumous merit badges.

Lightning strikes in the area forced a delayed start to Beyonce’s Washington, DC concert. A shelter-in-place order was issued to concertgoers, and performers were ordered to twerk-in-place.

A Florida man was arrested after his wife’s remains were found in three separate suitcases and a tote bag. The tote bag was so he could stow her head under the seat in front of him.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was heckled to ‘retire’ during the entirety of a five-minute speech in his home state. The speech consisted of “Good”, 4 minutes & 58 seconds of silence, and “morning”.

A Smith & Wesson revolver owned by Elvis Presley is up for auction, where it’s expected to sell for between $60,00-90,000. It features custom engraving, an embossed bald eagle, and a lot of peanut butter on the handle & barrel.

A bear being transported on an Iraqi Airways flight from Dubai to Baghdad exited his crate prior to departure, forcing all passengers to deplane while they decided who’d sit next to it once he was upgraded to Business Class.

A transgender Michigan woman is demanding her ex-boyfriend return her surgically-removed testicles, which she says he’s keeping in his refrigerator. Or at least move them to the freezer, since their Best By date is getting close.

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Taylor Swift reportedly handed out a total of $50 million in bonuses to her U.S. Eras Tour crew. Lizzo reportedly gave away whatever was left over from her backstage dinner buffet, then told them they needed to lose weight.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie have announced they’re separating with the intent to divorce. They request privacy during this difficult time, eh?

The Bachelorette from Season 19, Gabby Windey, announced she’s dating a woman. “Now do you believe me?” said a butt-hurt bachelor who never got a rose from her.

New York Yankees Domingo German, who threw a perfect game in June, has left the team to enter an alcohol treatment program. German threw five scoreless innings in his last appearance, before calling for a relief pitcher of Modelo.

WWE Executive Chairman Vince McMahon was subpeonaed as part of a sexual misconduct investigation, where multiple WWE employees accuse McMahon of pressing into them with his turnbuckle.

A Louisiana woman is suing the makers of weight loss drugs Ozempic and Mounjaro, saying she suffered from “severe vomiting, stomach pain and tooth loss”. Although her friends say she looks better than ever.

An OnlyFans model is being criticized for wearing a skimpy outfit with no underwear to a movie theater. The following week, she said she was seeing a doctor for treatment of a popcorn infection.

Tom Brady is now part-owner of Birmingham City Football Club. Brady then treated himself to a visit at Orchids of Asia’s Birmingham location.

Mark Zuckerberg shared a text exchange with partner Priscilla Chan after he installed a wrestling octagon in their backyard. Chan angrily said “I’ve been working on that grass for two years”….a claim disputed by the billionaire couple’s groundskeeper.

An overturned tractor-trailer spilled thousands of lemons on to Route 17 in Bergen County, New Jersey. When life gave them lemons, the truck operator and another driver made trips to an area hospital.

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Delaware opened a first-of-its-kind mobile DMV office, open from 10a to 2p every Tuesday, to process up to 3 customers.

Lizzo is being sued for sexual harassment and for fat-shaming her backup dancers, in what’s expected to be the U.S.’s biggest Pot v Kettle lawsuit.

New Jersey’s Lieutenant Governor Sheila Oliver died at age 71. Arrangements are being made for state residents to view her and offer their congratulations on getting out of New Jersey.

A new Journal of the American Medical Association [JAMA] study concludes that men drink themselves to death more often than women, but female deaths from alcoholism are increasing more rapidly. The study is titled “Chicks Can Hang“.

Investigators concluded there is no connection between accused Gilgo Beach Long Island murderer Rex Heuermann and the 2006 deaths of women in Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey – finding that Gilgo is really more of a local serial killer beach.

Donald Trump’s latest indictment for attempting to overturn the results of the 2020 Presidential Election lists 21 lies he’s told about the election. There are more, but the special counsel’s assistant got carpal tunnel syndrome typing indictments.

Amazon Clinic, a 24/7 consultative medical health care service, is now available in all 50 states. Anyone can access it for medical advice, but priority is given to medical distress calls for Amazon warehouse workers.

A study of 1,000 adults found that sleeping late on weekends is bad for adults overall health. They advise sleeping in during the week, which is better for your health and bad for your career.

Argentina fast-food restaurant Honky Donky stirred outrage in the Jewish community by offering an Anne Frank burger and Adolf fries. Honky Donky admitted that few people were ordering the burger since it initially was only on their hidden menu.

The mic Cardi B threw at an audience member [and missed] who tossed a drink on her during a Las Vegas show is being auctioned off for charity. Unfortunately, none of the proceeds go to the concertgoer who was WAP’d in the head by it.

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A Chinese zoo is denying that its sun bears are humans in costumes. They’re actually dogs in costumes.

CVS is laying off 5,000 corporate employees, with what’s being described as the ‘longest pink slips ever’.

Taylor Swift paid $100,000 bonuses to each of the roughly 50 truckers hauling her tour stage and equipment around the U.S. They’ll each keep around $60,000 after taxes and paying their speed dealers.

A ban on the sale of incandescent light bulbs takes effect today. However, black lights are exempt from the ban, so you can still show off your gas station art collection.

McDonald’s is launching a small spinoff chain called ‘CosMc’s’ – based on an alien mascot called CosMc, that has multiple hands, loves McDonald’s french fries, and is the first non-human life form with Type 2 Diabetes.

Corporations are increasingly turning to AI chatbots to handle job interviews – leaving actual humans in the human resource function free to handle their other important duties: office birthday parties, firing people, and telling workers not to expect raises.

A new study finds body-focused repetitive behaviors [BFRBs] like nail-biting, hair-pulling and skin-picking can be reduced by gently stroking your skin. Although bystanders are generally find the BFRBs are less creepy-looking than the skin-stroking.

Leprosy is on the rise in central Florida, according to both the Centers for Disease Control, and Disney World workers reporting a spike in hands, feet, & noses at the Lost & Found.

The New York Times ‘Wirecutter’ column issued rankings and recommendations for the five best clitoral vibrators, based on 150 hours of research. The column was met with criticism from conservatives, and husbands who really could have used the info before Mother’s Day.

A Tennessee woman was arrested for possession of child porn, and of filming sex with a dog. The latter was added to the child porn charges since the dog was just a year old.