By |

Chinese officials are cracking down on the latest toy craze – a tiny crossbow that costs a dollar and can shoot toothpicks over 60 feet. One 10-year old boy has suffered eye damage, presumably after his friend tried shooting an apple off of his head.

  • Here in the U.S., illegal imports of the crossbow have been used in several daring daylight candy store robberies.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop.com website was smacked down by NASA for incorrectly stating that “healing stickers” sold on the site used carbon fiber technology from NASA spacesuits. NASA said it was a lie. Paltrow replied saying “Astronauts read Goop.com!”

The White House once again held its daily press briefing off camera. CNN sent a sketch artist to record the proceedings – their first drawing was of Spicer trying to take his colored pencils away.

The Center for Disease Control released their annual survey of teen sexual behavior. Teens stated their top 3 birth control methods are condoms, withdrawal, and pills. In other words, condom breaks, do it anyway, get Plan B.

The contestant contract for ABC’s Bachelor in Paradise was leaked — men & women appearing on the show agree not to hold producers liable even if the contestants are lied to, injured or contract an STD. The contract is supposedly modeled after Donald Trump’s prenup.

Martha, a 3 year old Napoleon Mastiff was named World’s Ugliest Dog at the annual contest in California. Martha’s owner describes her as “snoring, drooling and gassy”. Martha describes her owner as “no picnic either”.

Rumors are swirling that Pandora CEO Tim Westergren will soon be out. He’s tried meeting with the Board of Directors, but they’re using all of their skips to avoid him.

By |

Ron Howard replaced LEGO Movie & 21 Jump Street helmers Phil Lord & Christopher Miller as director of the new Han Solo Movie. The movie follows the pre-Star Wars adventures of Solo and his Wookie, Potsie.

Donald Trump tweeted that he has no tapes of conversations with James Comey. Anymore.

A Manhattan bar is donating profits to Planned Parenthood. Now you can get drunk and donate to Planned Parenthood that same day, as opposed to getting drunk and supporting Planned Parenthood a month or so later.

Facebook is testing a new tool to prevent catfishing. The tool works by protecting downloads of profile photos, and by telling you that you have nothing to worry about if you’re not really hot.

By |

A male call center worker in the UK, frustrated by the office dress code prohibiting shorts, started wearing dresses. His pay dropped 23% and he filed a sexual harassment suit.

The Pizzagate shooter has been sentenced to 4 years in jail, although after 2 years he will be eligible for pick up or delivery.

Bill Cosby plans to hold a series of Town Hall meetings to educate young people about sexual assault laws. The meetings might happen, but the VIP Meet & Greets aren’t likely to sell well.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are looking for surrogates to carry their 3rd child, but so far aren’t having any luck finding women whose womb can fit a tv camera.

Yellowstone’s grizzly bear population has rebounded to where they are no longer an endangered species. There are now enough of them to bus to Washington to protest Trump’s environmental policies.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick resigned amidst widespread criticism of sexual harassment and misconduct at Uber. Kalanick’s next move isn’t known, but he’s not ruling out “something in the White House”.

Airports in Phoenix and Las Vegas have grounded flights due to excessive heat. Trump’s travel plans are unaffected, because hot air is never a problem for Air Force One.

Restaurant chain Denny’s has introduced Online Ordering, creating a problem for people ordering pancakes online then passing out drunk.

Three refrigerated rail cars filled with butter derailed in the Philadelphia suburbs, setting a record for most first responders arriving with bagels.

 

By |

Mary Kay Letourneau’s husband, Vili Fulaau, has filed for a separation. Her lawyer is seeking to dismiss the petition because he’s grounded.

All-time women’s tennis record holder for Grand Slam titles Margaret Court criticized the sport, saying it’s “full of lesbians”. Said the Women’s Tennis Association: “yeah, so?”

At the time of his arrest for DUI, Tiger Woods stated that he was taking four prescription pain killers. Presumably, to treat his sex addiction. Officers said Woods was asleep in his car. He told police he was watching golf on his laptop.

Boston Childrens Hospital is doubling the number of therapy dogs. The dogs visit the rooms of sick children, once they’ve verified the kids’ health care coverage.

Kris Jenner was granted a restraining order against her alleged stalker – apparently, the only man in the world who doesn’t know she has five daughters.

A great white shark jumped in to a fisherman’s boat off the coast of Australia. The shark explained that he hadn’t eaten a surfer in weeks, grabbed a sandwich and swam off.

A couple who claimed to be trying to have sex for 17 years welcomed sextuplets. They credited the births to fertility drugs, and a switch to vaginal intercourse.

 

By |

The creator of G.I. Joe died – as the toy industry tries to come to Kung Fu grip with the tragedy.

Secretary of Education Betsy Devos was booed while giving the Commencement Address at historic black college Bethune Cookman. Things started out badly as she opened her speech “Congratulations, you people..”

Snapchat posted a $2.2Billion loss in its first quarterly earnings report since going public. CEO Evan Spegel told angry investors he was going to wait 10 seconds to see if the loss goes away.

The company owning Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister is rumored to be for sale, just as soon as the prospective buyer’s Mom gives him the money.

ABC network cancelled comedy series Imaginary Mary. For real.

Tennessee passed legislation making community college free for adult residents. “Community what?” said Tennesseans.

By |

Years ago, I worked at a bank. I didn’t like it very much. During my time in the Management Training Program there, you had to run through a bunch of different jobs, including Teller. I don’t know who the f goes to the teller anymore. I was lousy at that. There used to be something called a Certified Check, which was a personal check you’d write, then pay an added fee to have the bank ensure you had the money to cover the check. I would routinely certify checks without verifying the balance. Kind of like certifying “yep, this is a check alright.” I did this a number of times before one of the other tellers watched me ‘certify’ a check [put a special sticker on it and use one of those embossing tools like Notary Publics use] while skipping the most important step: making sure they had the money. Remarkably, I didn’t get fired. Which shows you how awful a job being a bank teller is. Anyway.

I “progressed” from there, to making personal loans. Again, you can pretty much do any bank business online now, but back then you talked to somebody about loans. While we were encouraged to make intelligent lending decisions, my handler, a guy named Thurston, said sometimes you have to make a riskier loan. His quote: “If you aren’t making any bad loans, you aren’t making enough loans..” Trust me, I made more than my share of bad loans, just as I had pumped out my share of unverified Certified Checks.

But the quote stuck with me, and I think of it when I write jokes. If I’m not making enough bad jokes, I’m not making enough jokes. I tell everyone that I don’t really know what people find funny any more. So sometimes I’ll write a joke, say to myself “this sucks”..but then tell it and people will laugh. And if I don’t hate myself or find it irredeemably hackneyed, I’ll keep on it and see what I can do. Sometimes a better joke in the same vein will come along to bolster the joke I thought was terrible.

Advice that I received doing something I hated years ago helps guide me when I’m doing something that I enjoy a great deal here & now. Huh.