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The FAA is investigating as many as 5,000 pilots who hid medical diagnoses that would keep them from flying – and a few dozen Spirit Airlines captains with no record of ever getting a pilot’s license.

Two people were stabbed in a brawl at a California In N Out Burger restaurant following an NFL preseason game between the 49ers and Raiders. Both playas were cut.

Mississippi alligator hunters caught a state record 14-foot, 802 pound alligator on the first day of alligator hunting season. Meanwhile, a different alligator caught a 72-inch, 500-pound male who fell asleep next to a lake, also breaking a state record.

Nordstrom closed its five-story flagship department store in San Francisco, citing San Francisco’s “changing retail environment” – but, not before the store’s manager awarded a Perfect Attendance certificate to the junkies living in the rest rooms.

Seven cars were stolen from a parking garage in downtown Philadelphia. Police praised the non-confrontational thieves who chose to carjack empty vehicles.

Elton John was hospitalized briefly after taking a fall at a villa in Nice, France. Officials released the 911 call, where Elton told a dispatcher “I’m not still standing”.

77-year-old Alojz Abram has amassed 1.7 million Instagram followers by recreating Insta photos from influencers and celebrities like Kanye West and Kylie Jenner. He’s hoping to monetize his following in order to pay for the money he spent on implants to mimic the Kardashians.

Reem’s, a California bakery chain, refuses to serve uniformed police officers because they won’t sell baked goods to anyone carrying a weapon. The police union is outraged, but Reem’s defends the policy which costs them roughly $5,000 in lost donut sales each day.

Casey McGrath, a 28-year-old geometry teacher in Chattanooga, Tennessee, was arrested for sex with an underage student. The student does, however, now know how to use a straight line to bisect an acute angle.

A team from California won the Little League World Series championship on a walkoff home run in the bottom of the 6th inning, leaving their opponents from Curacao Blue.

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CVS is expanding its announced layoffs. However, investors and doctors are both concerned about the new self-service fill-your-own-prescription kiosks.

Donald Trump was reportedly allowed to ‘pre-report’ his 215-pound weight when surrendering to Georgia officials at the Fulton County Jail. He apparently pre-reported it when he was in eighth grade.

The Kremlin vigorously denied claims that Vladimir Putin was behind the jet crash that killed Wagner mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin, saying Putin has no idea how to make a bomb.

The owner of Jimmy John’s is buying Subway – saying they want to offer customers a choice of terrible sandwiches with either more meat at Jimmy John’s, or no meat at Subway.

Blackswan is a four-woman K-pop group with no Korean members. They chose Blackswan after changing their first choice, Kim-chi’li Van=il’li.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram message reading “F*ck with me . I dare you”. Her three ex-husbands said they have, and still wanted out.

Dennis Rodman had his girlfriend’s face tattooed on his buttocks, since he thought it would be nice to sit on her face for a change.

Zillow is offering mortgages to prospective home buyers with just a 1% down payment. They say it’s a good way for people to deal with soaring mortgage rates who want to experience what it’s like to have their house foreclosed & repossessed.

A former McDonald’s chef posted to social media to say 10:30a.m. – the breakfast-to-lunch changeover – is the worst time to eat there, contradicting the widely-held opinion that the worst time to eat at McDonald’s is “anytime”.

The U.S. may revise its recommended alcohol-consumption guidelines to just two beers per week. “Okay” said men sipping a 72-ounce beer.

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Following the release of treated waste water from the Fukushima nuclear plant, China banned seafood from Japan. Following suit, North Korea announced they’ve banned healthy food from everywhere.

New York’s Manhattan borough is the most expensive city locale to live in the U.S., topping a list of 271 locations. The cheapest is Harlingen in south central Texas, where new residents can even get free bus trips to Manhattan.

Photos of “entitled” tourists entering restricted areas at national parks are drawing the anger of park officials and environmentalists who say they’re hurting the parks. However, hungry bears and mountain lions are generally okay with park visitors going where they’re not supposed to.

Today is National Knife Day – where the mayors of Philadelphia & Chicago wager cheesesteaks & deep-dish pizzas to see which city records the most stabbings.

A New Jersey woman was charged with fraudulently impersonating a doctor for over a year. She was arrested after asking one of her patients to help her put the extra leaf in her examination table.

A woman floating on an inner tube in a Montana river was hospitalized after being attacked by an otter. She received multiple stitches to her face & limbs and a rabies shot after her otter-body experience.

Patricia “Tan Mom” Krentcil registered as a Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate representing Florida. She faces stiff competition from GOP incumbent Rick Scott and melanoma.

“Masterdating” is a hot new trend of treating yourself to extravagant solo experiences. Although a lot of people who are confused by the name are getting thrown out of really nice restaurants and spas.

New Jersey will now require school districts to offer free menstrual products in for grades 6 through 12 – or, kindergarten for girls getting a really, really, late start on their education.

A monkey was spotted at the drive-thru of a Florida Popeye’s chicken restaurant. Wildlife experts identified it as a wild rhesus macacque monkey – presumably with high blood pressure and bad cholesterol.

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A stagefront security guard at Taylor Swift’s Minneapolis concerts said he was fired because fans took photos of him singing along with Taylor in the background. However a spokesperson for Crowd Management, his former employer, said it wasn’t the pictures, it was his four costume changes.

Donald Trump will be weighed when he surrenders on election fraud charges in Georgia, so he’s pushing back the daily Big Mac Value Meal until afterward.

India’s Chandrayaan-3 spacecraft landed successfully, making India the fourth country ever to land a spacecraft on the moon, and the first country to open six Dunkin Donuts locations there.

Fox News hosts the firsr Republican presidential debate, with insiders expecting Chris Christie to post a strong showing in the domestic & international policy discussion, and a weak effort in the swimsuit competition.

Singers Demi Lovato and Ariana Grande have reportedly fired manager Scooter Braun, and are shopping for new Scooters.

A third-grade teacher in Oklahoma was arrested for drinking wine during class and having a blood/alcohol content of 0.24, three times the .08 legal limit. Her students were also involved in a seven-Big Wheel pileup on the playground during recess.

A teacher in Queens, New York who once posted on social media about “helping kids understand consent” was arrested for having sex with a 14-year-old student. She told police her lessons worked, because the boy raised his hand and asked for sex.

Bruce Willis’ daughter Rumer said her new baby daughter’s name was inspired by a typo in a text. She’s the proud mother of Duck.

A federal appeals court upheld the child porn conviction of TLC reality star Josh Duggar, who’s serving 12 Years And Counting.

Former television writer Patty Lin said that her season writing for Friends was, despite being her most recognizable credit, a bad experience. “Could this BE any more toxic?” she wrote.

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Joey Graziadei will be ABC’s next ‘The Bachelor‘, after finishing as runner-up on The Bachelorette. ‘Runner-up’ means he got to have sex with The Bachelorette, but didn’t have to be her fiance.

Donald Trump will surrender to Georgia police on Thursday after being charged with felony election fraud and will be released on $200,000 bond. Rudy Giuliani will also surrender around the same time so he can ask Donald Trump for bail money.

A trans woman is suing a New York yoga studio for not allowing her to use the woman’s locker room. Management was responding to complaints from females who didn’t want to see the yogi bare.

Google Photos announced a redesign of its editing tools, providing AI-driven ‘Suggestions’ such as Filter, Crop, or – when it detects boob & dick pics – Enhance.

Following torrential downpours from Hurricane Hilary, the mayor of Palm Springs stated it was impossible to enter or leave the city. City council took up a measure to rename it Palm Island.

Japan will release one million gallons of treated radioactive water into the ocean from the wrecked Fukushima nuclear plant on August 24th. Starting around August 25th, there will be a nationwide 50% off sale on sushi.

The Philadelphia Phillies are testing a new facial recognition entry system where fans can submit a picture to use their face as a ticket. The team asks that fans don’t get too drunk in the parking lot and punch each other’s tickets.

Bucking the trend of retailers leaving the city due to rampant theft, Ikea opened a new store in downtown San Francisco. It’ll host the first Smash & Grab where it takes looters 15 minutes to exit the building.

The Coast Guard rescued a man stuck for several days on an uninhabited island in the Bahamas after his sailboat broke down. The man was grateful since he”d grown tired of the boat’s Skipper hitting him with his hat.

Armed suspects robbed an ice cream parlor in Philadelphia. They fled with an undisclosed amount of cash stuffed in a waffle cone.

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Jennifer Lopez marked her one-year wedding anniversary with Ben Affleck. “Who’d have thought we’d make it this far?” she wrote.

Charles Martinet – who’s voiced Mario in Nintendo video games for the last 25 years – is retiring from the role. He said he’d explain, but he’s only allowed to say “It’s a me, Mario”; “Wahoooo!”; and “Ow-ah-ah-ah-ah”.

Domino’s Pizza is closing all 142 of its stores in Russia – saying they’re giving away too many free pizzas after delivery drivers take over a half hour to show up while they dodge Ukrainian drone missiles.

Guatemala’s anti-corruption candidate Bernardo Arevalo is expected to win the country’s Presidential election by over 20 percentage points. He thanked the many Guatemalans voting via absentee ballots sent as they illegally entered the United States.

After scoring the lone goal to secure the Women’s World Cup for Spain in their 1-0 final against England, forward Olga Carmona learned her father had died – making it a truly heart-stopping victory.

Russia’s space agency said its Luna-25 rocket crashed into the moon. President Vladimir Putin shrugged it off, saying he thought there were Ukrainians there.

The American Academy of Pediatrics is urging all states to ban corporal punishment such as spanking in all schools. The request faces fierce opposition from teacher’s associations in Mississippi and Alabama, who say they paid good money for them paddles.

John Warnock, Adobe co-founder and inventor of the .pdf, died at age 82. He’ll be eulogized by an Adobe .pdf Reader.

Adam Sandler’s new Netflix movie You Are So Not Invited To My Bat Mitzvah, debuted with a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes — the “Fresh” 100% for a change.

A CBS News poll of Republican voters says 71% of them believe that what Donald Trump tells them is true. The other 29% couldn’t hear him.

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Apple announced new iPhones are being made in India for the first time – providing unprecedented career opportunities in India for 10-year-olds.

In a possible breakthrough in organ transplants, a genetically modified pig kidney was successfully transplanted to a brain-dead human patient. A brain-dead patient was chosen for the lower risk, and because they couldn’t ask who donated the kidney.

After 14 months of marriage, Sam Asghari filed to Free Britney.

U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team head coach Vlatko Andonovski will resign following the team’s elimination from the World Cup. Andonovski admits failing to remind Megan Rapinoe that penalty kicks need to go in the goal, not over it.

St. Louis Cardinals Lars Nootbaar had to leave the game against the Oakland A’s after fouling a ball off his groin. Before leaving he continued his at-bat with the count 2 balls, 1 strike.

An Arizona woman is charged with attempted murder after poisoning her husband’s coffee with bleach every day for months. She also faces a lesser fraud charge for not telling him the coffee was made with Folgers Crystals.

A Southwest Airlines flight from Houston to Cancun retruned to Houston after an engine caught fire. “And you guys thought I was hot!” said a jokey Southwest flight attendant to the terrified passengers.

A woman on Tik Tok caused an Internet sensation with a video saying she and her husband randomly pick which side of the bed they sleep on. They say it all depends which friend or coworker they’re having sex with on a given night.

‘Dear Abby’ published a letter from a man saying he’s aroused by his 19-year-old stepdaughter. It was later revealed the letter was written 30 years ago and signed by “Woody A.”.

An Australian couple is charged with multiple counts of beastiality for filming illegal sex acts. They also say they’re planning to shut down their dog-walking business.

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Police in New Jersey are seeking an adult woman who struck a child in the head with a wooden Skee-ball at a Jersey Shore arcade. She was seen leaving the arcade after taking the ten tickets that the victim spit out of his mouth.

Madonna announced new rescheduled tour dates after her summer shows were postponed because of her health scare and because nobody had any goddamned money left after Taylor Swift and Beyonce took it.

The Philadelphia Zoo named a new President & CEO, Jo-Elle Mogerman. She says her first step toward improving the zoo is convincing the gorillas and chimpanzees to surrender their handguns.

Three dead whales have washed up on New York and New Jersey beaches in the past three days. Oceanographers blame either rising ocean temperatures, or a renewed turf war between whales and the Great White Crime Family.

Bradley Cooper faces criticism for performing in ‘Jewface’, as images leaked of his wearing a larger prosthetic nose while playing composer Leonard Bernstein. Cooper sought to calm down the critics by telling them how inexpensive the nose was.

President Biden will visit Maui to survey the damage from the devastating wildfires, but will not wear a traditional flowered lei for fear of breaking his collarbone.

The much-discussed ‘Cage Match’ between Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk is reportedly not happening – disappointing millions of Americans who now just want to see anyone beat the living shit out of either of them.

Limited-edition New York Library cards commemorating Hip-Hop’s 50th Anniversary with images of Jay-Z albums are in high demand, and resulted in 14,000 new library memberships. They’ve also resulted in a record number of visitors kicked out for rapping in the library.

Rapper Magoo passed away at age 50. Nobody – least of all him – saw it coming.

Bank of Ireland experienced a glitch where any customer could withdraw $1,000 from accounts with insufficient funds. The bank was alerted by pub owners who noticed patrons getting even drunker than usual and actually leaving decent tips.

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Smoke inhalation from wildfires is linked to dementia. This, after studying bears who survived the fires, but forgot that they shit in what’s left of the woods.

Los Angeles Police are speculating that organized crime or gangs are behind the smash & grab robbery at a Nordstrom store resulting in $300,000 in lost merchandise. Others think some customers are angry they missed discounts at the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale.

A 13-year-old boy survived a 100-foot fall at the north rim of the Grand Canyon while on a family trip. He’s recovering and was released from the hospital, but his Dad is still pissed that he messed up their plans to drive to Sedona.

Two American tourists got drunk and spent the night sleeping atop the Eiffel Tower. Police in Paris, France say this is a rare occurrence; police in Las Vegas say it happens pretty much every night at the replica outside the Paris hotel.

According to Nielsen, streaming tv viewing hours topped broadcast & cable tv viewing hours for the first time in July, 2023. Researchers cited the increase in the number of streaming services, and Fox News viewers dying in their recliners.

Clarence Avant, a longtime music industry executive known as the ‘Godfather of Black Music’, passed away at age 92. His title now formally passes to Jay-Z.

Margot Robbie is projected to earn as much as $50 million in her role as Executive Producer of the ‘Barbie‘ movie. She plans to invest her real dough to fund her other passion project, ‘Play-Doh‘

FBI agents in Philadelphia launched a raid on a teenager they describe as an “aspiring terrorist’ living in the city. They seized weapons, bomb-making materials, communications with an al-Qaeda affiliate, and multiple Dallas Cowboys jerseys.

A Florida woman allegedly murdered her elderly roommate, then doused herself in Diet Mountain Dew to erase DNA evidence. She was charged with murder while lying in the hospital bed where she’s being treated for second-degree chemical burns.

iPhone users are saying the Emergency SOS feature – which sends messages via satellite to first responders in service outages – saved lives during the Maui wildfires. Although now Apple is warning people to stop using it to locate late pizza deliveries.

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Below Deck Down Under stars Luke Jones & Laura Bileskalne were fired for sexual misconduct after both tried to get in bed with castmates without consent. In each case, the person already in the bed refused to let them down under or below deck.

A study finds acid reflux drugs are tied to increased incidents of dementia. Nursing home patients are furious at the cancellation of pizza & wings night.

The genre of music known as hip-hop turned 50, making it eligible for AARP-hop.

Playing football may increase the risk of Parkinson’s disease, according to a new study. According to another study, Parkinson’s disease makes it much more likely you’ll be cut from the football team.

Five members of white supremacist group Patriot Front are suing The Idaho Stateman newspaper for revealing their identities. They claim this resulted in harassment, vandalism, and job loss. Although on the plus side they’ve also been uninvited from family reunions.

Amazon is sending warning emails to office employees who are spending too many days working from home. They’re threatening that if they don’t become better office employees, they’ll make them warehouse employees.

Americans are reportedly feeling gloomier about the nation’s economy for the first time this summer. This is shocking to economists, who say this time of year is usually much more cheerful while parents buy shit to send their awful kids back to school.

Kenosha, Wisconsin police pummeled a man in an Applebees as he held a baby in his arms, because they mistakenly thought he was a hit & run driver. They found the real suspect hiding in the bathroom, after the wrong guy was Beaten Good In The Neighborhood.

A supermarket in Austria was shut down because a Brazilian wandering spider – whose bite can cause long painful erections – was found in the bananas. However, before they closed, a bunch of 70-year-olds bought out all the bananas.

A Hungarian woman born with two vaginas, two uteri & two cervices gave birth to what’s being called a “miracle baby” – arriving via door #1.