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A new study finds performing music helps retain brain function as you age. Plenty of tickets still remain for the AARP-sponsored Rolling Stones Retaining Our Brain Function Tour.

Citing the $1,000-a-month cost, state employees in North Carolina will no longer be reimbursed for weight-loss drugs Wegovy and Ozempic. North Carolina said they’ll save the money now and spend it on fixing the heart attacks later.

Team USA 2022 Olympic figure skaters will receive gold medals after Russian skater Kamila Valieva was banned for a positive drug test. Kamila now identifies as Sergei and is training for the 2024 Paris games as a powerlifter.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink announced their first chip implant in a human brain. The procedure was funded by an anonymous donor who wanted help around the house and to quit being bothered for sex.

E. Jean Carroll appeared on The Rachel Maddow Show and compared Donald Trump to a walrus. Trump filed a defamation suit against Carroll seeking $83 million.

At a Turning Point conservative political conference, a speaker claimed My Pillow founder & Trump advocate Mike Lindell is “losing everything”. He’s so close to financial ruin that his company’s name may change to Somebody Else’s Pillow.

Health magazine ranked 13 Super Bowl party foods from best to worst, with a veggie platter ‘best’ and sweetened soda ‘worst’. The list omitted alcohol, so nobody will be going to their party, anyway.

A Pennsylvania man was awarded a $2.25 billion judgment against Monsanto for successfully arguing that use of weed killer RoundUp for 20 years caused his cancer. He plans to use the money to hire someone else to take care of his lawn.

The Czech Republic signed a deal with the U.S. government to acquire 24 F-35 fighter jets. This, despite a 40% Off coupon from Boeing to outfit 737 Max 9 jets with rockets.

Starbucks is launching the Oleato – an olive-oil & coffee beverage called ‘a legit laxative’ – nationwide. The drinks will cost upwards of six bucks, and the key to the restroom will cost twenty.

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The Rolling Stones announced a 16-city 2024 U.S. tour, sponsored by AARP. Representatives from AARP will be on hand to scold retirees about blowing $500 from their 401k on Rolling Stones tickets.

As rescue workers attempt to dig out 41 construction workers trapped in a tunnel collapse in India, hot meals of rice & lentils were delivered to them via a steel pipe. The Grubhub guy received no tip.

Before a school board reversed his decision, a Sherman, Texas high school principal left voicemails informing parents that transgender students could not perform roles in Oklahoma! aligned with their gender identity. He also said he’s not changing the title of the next production to The Music Person.

Celebrity & game show host Wayne Brady fought with a drunk driver who backed in to his car, then attempted to flee as officers arrived. The man was arrested, and Brady may appear to host his court hearing – Let’s Make A Plea Deal.

A man attempted to kidnap and kill his estranged wife at a suburban Philadelphia Walmart. Workers at the store thought it was a dress rehearsal for customers attempting to murder each other on Black Friday.

Six major media companies including Disney, NBCUniversal & Paramount halted spending on X after Elon Musk boosted antisemitic conspiracy theories. They’re shifting spending to Truth Social and its more pro-American conspiracy theories.

Best Buy, Lowes & Kohl’s are all forecasting a drop in annual holiday sales. However, liquor stores & OnlyFans say they’ll more than make up for the hit to the economy.

Kalpana Balan, a 26-year-old Indian woman, established a Guinness World Record for having 38 teeth – six more than the average human. She also broke a different record by flossing out a quarter pound of a burrito stuck between them.

Only 23 percent of women on dating app Bumble are actively seeking marriage as a goal. Relationship experts say this is great news for empowered, independent women – but also great news for hit-it-and-quit-it horny men.

A woman gave birth on a Pegasus Airlines jet just before departure on a flight from Istanbul to Marseilles. Paramedics boarded to assist in the delivery, then gently placed the baby under the seat in front of the mother, because overhead bins were full.

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Retailers are battling slumping sales by offering their own subscription services. Gap, Old Navy and even Fruit of the Loom will send you clothes for a fixed monthly fee – though single male Fruit of the Loom subscribers are confused as to why they’d need new underwear more than once every couple of years.

Khloe Kardashian confirmed that she’s pregnant. She’s already fired two ultrasound technicians who didn’t know how to Snapchat sonograms.

  • Next week on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Khloe’s fetus fights with Kourtney over where to spend Christmas vacation.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Idaho passed Illinois as the 5th most-populous state, thanks to Idaho’s booming tech scene and Chicago’s booming murder scene.

Apple confirms that a software feature released last year slows older iPhones to offset issues with the phones’ aging batteries. In a statement Apple said their goal is to deliver the best experience for owners of iPhones – purchased within the last month.

Chipotle shares dropped 5% following reports of sick customers and employees at an L.A. location. Coincidentally, those persons’ weight dropped 5%.

Facebook announced that it’s changing the way it identifies ‘Fake News’ in users’ feeds. They are replacing the ‘Disputed Flag’ with a Breitbart byline.

The House of Representatives introduced a measure to continue to fund the Children’s Health Insurance Program through March – it’s a GoFundMe where donors give a nickel for every 30-lb seated bicep curl Paul Ryan does.

Defense Secretary James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis visited Guantanamo Bay to deliver a message of Holiday good cheer to the troops, and a continuous loop of Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ to the prisoners.

Senator Al Franken delivered his final speech to the U.S. Senate, and afterward hugged male colleagues and waved to females.

The AARP issued a list of reasons it opposes the new tax reform law, as younger Americans pretended to listen to them and care what they have to say.