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A new study in medical journal Pediatrics finds that two children are injured every day by window blinds. 17,000 children were treated at emergency rooms between 1990 and 2015; most children were injured by falling blinds after telling parents it was “too goddamned bright in here for a nap.”

Apple is acquiring music app Shazam for $400 million. Apple plans integration with iTunes, so Shazam can tell you what songs were deleted when you backup your iPhone.

  • Shazam will still be able to identify songs in several seconds, but each new version will take 25 minutes to update.

Saudi Arabia is lifting its ban on movie theaters after 35 years. Movies will be preceded by a warning to patrons telling them to silence their cell phones and all of their wives.

  • The first feature film shown will be a Saudi-produced action drama about women called ‘The Expendables‘.

Several women who accused Donald Trump of inappropriate conduct appeared with Megyn Kelly on the Today show, right after Matt Lauer finished clearing out his office.

French company Lactalis is recalling baby formula after 25 French babies were made ill. The company suspects salmonella, or parents pairing formula with the wrong wine.

Starting next year, American Express card purchases will no longer require a signature – a move hailed by both illiterate people and dogs with above-average credit scores.

A 24-year-old woman caught smoking on a Southwest Airlines flight threatened to “kill everybody” when confronted by a flight attendant. The woman was restrained, and the flight attendants on board ‘killed everybody’ with a kooky skit they made up about it during the remainder of the flight.

A 15-year-old girl with seizure disorder was denied a laser-based brain surgery treatment by her insurer, Aetna, on the grounds that the treatment is unproven – despite it having FDA approval. Aetna defended their decision, saying their medical team has seen every episode of ‘House‘ and ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and still haven’t heard of it.

President Trump blasted a New York Times article claiming that he watches four to eight hours of TV every day, tweeting that if he spent that much time watching TV, there’s no way his Candy Crush scores could be as high as they are.

After a vicious hit left Houston Texans QB Tom Savage shaking on the playing field, he was evaluated on the sidelines and briefly reentered the game before being pulled. The NFL and NFL Players Association are both investigating the team’s handling of Savage’s concussion. Reached for comment, Savage said “what concussion?”

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The New York Times cut the number of free articles readable on its website from 10 per month to 5.  Meanwhile the Philadelphia Inquirer assured its website’s readers that the number of racist comments they can make each month will remain unlimited.

TV actress Kaley Cuoco is engaged to professional equestrian Karl Cook. This is Cook’s first marriage, and Cuoco’s second big bang.

The FIFA Men’s 2018 World Cup soccer matchups were released. The United States Men’s National Soccer team was matched up with golf caddies.

NBC will refuse to pay out the remainder of Matt Lauer’s $30 million contract; Lauer cancelled delivery of “personal massagers” he’d ordered as Christmas gifts for all the women on the Today staff.

President Trump’s lawyer, Charles Dowd, confirmed to the media that he wrote the tweet sent from Trump’s account rationalizing his firing of Michael Flynn. You’d write Trump’s tweets, too, if you could bill $500/character.

Preceding a joint press release from the President of NAMBLA and Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore calling it “the communications breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for” —  Facebook unveiled its Messenger For Kids app.

The implosion of Detroit’s Pontiac Silverdome failed to collapse the retired structure on the first try. Local officials are set to detonate a second round of explosives and, if that doesn’t work, the Silverdome will host Detroit’s Devil’s Night festivities next Halloween.

New Jersey Governor-elect Phil Murphy said that after this season, bear hunting will no longer be allowed in the Garden State. Murphy advised residents if  you want to shoot a 600 pound mammal rooting through garbage cans for something to eat, you’ll have to go to Chris Christie’s shore house or MetLife Stadium on Sundays.

Employee benefit consultants are lauding the $69 Billion CVS acquisition of Aetna, saying it could transform a massive, complex, pricey healthcare system into a more massive, complex, pricier healthcare system.

The Supreme Court will hear arguments on the legality of single-game sports gambling in states outside of Nevada. The Gorsuch/Thomas/Alito/Roberts/Kennedy approval parlay is paying even money at the Mirage.

 

 

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Amazon founder Jeff Bezos passed Microsoft founder Bill Gates as the world’s richest person. Then Gates emptied his pants pockets on laundry day and reclaimed the title.

CVS Pharmacy is in talks to acquire health insurance giant Aetna, as CVS seeks synergy between their incredibly long receipts and Aetna’s incredibly long red tape.

A new study in the journal JAMA Internal Medicine links pesticides used by fruit & vegetable growers to reduced fertility in women. The study was commissioned by fraternity scumbags looking to avoid condom use by giving their dates apples & strawberries.

United Airlines new Los Angeles-to-Singapore route is the longest-ever flight for a U.S. domestic carrier. The 18-hour route consists of a 16-hour flight preceded by 2 hours of coach passenger dragging drills by United flight attendants.

A 10-year-old boy led Ohio State Highway Patrol on an hour-long chase, with speeds reaching nearly 100 mph. The boy was ultimately apprehended safely, although his Big Wheel was totaled.

October, 2017 is the lowest-grossing month for movies in 10 years, with receipts totaling less than $600 million — most of which was hush money paid to ticket takers by people seeking to remain anonymous while seeing Boo 2: A Madea Halloween.

Constellation Brands, the company that owns Corona Beer, is investing in Canopy Growth, a Canadian marijuana grower, as it seeks to expand its dominant wallet share of 40+ divorced loser dads.

Startup Babylon Health is using artificial intelligence and data mining to predict when you’ll be sick; investors are skeptical since the best predictions it’s made so far are ‘the night of your birthday’ and ‘the morning after the Super Bowl’.

Former Trump Campaign Manager Paul Manafort was indicted on federal charges including money laundering and tax fraud. He is expected to post his cash bail in a woven Ukrainian basket as soon as he finishes laundering it.

The Trump Campaign responded to the Manafort indictment by sending out a fundraising email titled ‘Still Standing’, asking Trump supporters to donate one dollar. The email was authored by Eric Trump, evidenced by the heavy use of smiley, fire and moneybag emojis.