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Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

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HBO’s Game of Thrones won its fourth Outstanding Drama Emmy Award – but, once again, dragons were snubbed in all acting categories.

Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner were heckled and laughed at while presenting the Emmy for Best Reality Show. Hint – their show didn’t win.

Bruce Springsteen turned 70. His family couldn’t decide whether to get him a car or a woman, because in his songs they’re the same thing.

Former Scientologist Leah Remini discovered that her Scientologist father died a month ago. She was angry that she wasn’t told, but Scientologists said not to worry, a spaceship carrying his soul will meet up with her again soon.

Downton Abbey, the Movie topped the weekend box office with $31 million in ticket revenue. The number is expected to possibly double as elderly cheapskates invade multiplexes for $5 Tuesday.

Reacting to Antonio Brown’s dismissal from the New England Patriots and Twitter tirade, Dennis Rodman called Brown’s actions “How to Ruin Your Career 101.” Rodman then drove to a nearby community college where he teaches “How to Ruin Your Career 101.”

At the United Nations Climate Action Summit, a report warns that the Earth is on track for the warmest five-year period on record. Meanwhile, female climatologists at the meeting put on sweaters and ask for the thermostat to be turned up.

Romeo Santos made history as the first Latin artist to headline New Jersey’s MetLife stadium, drawing 80,000 to a sold-out show. His ability to draw a crowd that big to MetLife led to him being offered a job as starting quarterback for the New York Jets.

A child in Longview, Washington called 911 after getting off his school bus, telling the operator that the bus driver was drunk. The driver was subsequently arrested. Asked why he didn’t call while on the bus, the child said “Hey, I’m not walking home.”

Google is rumored to be buying Fitbit. Google is interested because your heartbeat is the one piece of your personal data they don’t already own.

 

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The New York Times cut the number of free articles readable on its website from 10 per month to 5.  Meanwhile the Philadelphia Inquirer assured its website’s readers that the number of racist comments they can make each month will remain unlimited.

TV actress Kaley Cuoco is engaged to professional equestrian Karl Cook. This is Cook’s first marriage, and Cuoco’s second big bang.

The FIFA Men’s 2018 World Cup soccer matchups were released. The United States Men’s National Soccer team was matched up with golf caddies.

NBC will refuse to pay out the remainder of Matt Lauer’s $30 million contract; Lauer cancelled delivery of “personal massagers” he’d ordered as Christmas gifts for all the women on the Today staff.

President Trump’s lawyer, Charles Dowd, confirmed to the media that he wrote the tweet sent from Trump’s account rationalizing his firing of Michael Flynn. You’d write Trump’s tweets, too, if you could bill $500/character.

Preceding a joint press release from the President of NAMBLA and Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore calling it “the communications breakthrough we’ve all been waiting for” —  Facebook unveiled its Messenger For Kids app.

The implosion of Detroit’s Pontiac Silverdome failed to collapse the retired structure on the first try. Local officials are set to detonate a second round of explosives and, if that doesn’t work, the Silverdome will host Detroit’s Devil’s Night festivities next Halloween.

New Jersey Governor-elect Phil Murphy said that after this season, bear hunting will no longer be allowed in the Garden State. Murphy advised residents if  you want to shoot a 600 pound mammal rooting through garbage cans for something to eat, you’ll have to go to Chris Christie’s shore house or MetLife Stadium on Sundays.

Employee benefit consultants are lauding the $69 Billion CVS acquisition of Aetna, saying it could transform a massive, complex, pricey healthcare system into a more massive, complex, pricier healthcare system.

The Supreme Court will hear arguments on the legality of single-game sports gambling in states outside of Nevada. The Gorsuch/Thomas/Alito/Roberts/Kennedy approval parlay is paying even money at the Mirage.