Alabama called off an execution because they had trouble finding a vein in the prisoner for lethal injection. They rescheduled the execution after they had no trouble finding bullets.

Boeing agreed to pay $200 million for misleading the public about the safety of the 737 Max jet following two fatal crashes in 2018 and 2019. Spirit Airlines faces similar fines for misleading its passengers when promising a pleasant travel experience.

A man was arrested for punching an American Airlines flight attendant in the back of the head on a flight from Mexico to Los Angeles. The flight attendant will be evaluated for head injuries, and may miss work until he can once again demonstrate how seat belts work.

Philadelphia police warned that carjackers are attacking more suburban areas, since they need SUVs and minivans to carpool with other carjackers.

Authorities in Montgomery County, Texas arrested one of their own police officers in an undercover prostitution sting at a local hotel. He was fired, and no one believed his story that he, himself, was undercover as a guy carrying condoms looking for the ice machine.

Only Fans model Valentina Belucci said she gets paid for looking at photos of men’s penises and writing her ‘review’ of them. Although she said it takes a while to get paid by their health insurance.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl Halftime Show. The NFL announced that Apple Music is the new sponsor, adding that it “couldn’t think of a more appropriate partner” to write billion-dollar checks for ten minutes of forgettable entertainment.

Convicted murderer and cannibal Mark Latunski said he killed and ate a hairdresser named Kevin Bacon – but admitted even he wouldn’t eat liver and Bacon.

Congressman Matt Gaetz, currently facing allegations of sex with a minor, announced he’ll start streaming on Twitch. Gaetz said it’s just one of the ways to view him, including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and photos sent to 17-year-olds.

The Boston Celtics suspended head coach Ime Udoka for a consensual sexual relationship with a member of the team’s staff. However, the NBA reassured groupies that they’re still free to engage in sex with the staffs of married players.

The NFL’s Cleveland Browns banned a fan who hit team owner Jimmy Haslam in the head with a bottle following the Browns loss to the New York Jets. Dozens of fans who threw bottles at Haslam and missed retain the privilege of paying to see the Browns.

The COO of meat substitute maker Beyond Meat was arrested for biting the nose of a man during an altercation after a college football game. The man’s nose will be reconstructed from ground lentils and tofu.

Elton John will perform at the White House. It will be Elton’s first 2pm performance in years, followed by an early bird special where President Biden will ask him whatever happened to his bandmates in the Bay City Rollers.

300 workers at Home Depot in Philadelphia filed to form a labor union – but none of them know what aisle the caulk is in.

Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Darius Slay intercepted a pass during the team’s Monday night game over the Minnesota Vikings, then gave the football to Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden. Harden then demanded the football be traded for a beer and nachos.

A New York City weatherman was fired after he posed nude on an adult webcam site. Viewers could expect anywhere from six to eight inches.

Donald Trump ally Kash Patel published a children’s book about a rigged election. Since it’s not a pop-up book, Trump is not expected to read it.

A U.S. health panel now recommends all adults under age 65 be screened for anxiety. Although they don’t have any ideas for what to do about adults with anxiety about doctor visits.

A judge halted the execution of an Alabama inmate who requested to die by nitrogen hypoxia, after his lawyers argued he would suffer “irreparable injury” from lethal injection. Alabama prison officials argued that irreparable injury is kind of the whole point of execution.

A Kentucky prosecutor was suspended for offering to assist a female defendant if she sent him nude photos. The prosecutor said he was just trying to help out his cousin.