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Apple CEO Tim Cook had a photo of his house removed from Google Maps, a move that Google now offers to everyone who requests it, but is opposed by stalkers.

A scientist determined that the best starting word in the popular online game Wordle is ‘later’, and the worst starting word is ‘xylyl’. The scientist then visited his mentally-ill scientist friend, the only guy in the world who starts Wordle with ‘xylyl’.

Elon Musk offered a teenager $5,000 to shut down a Twitter account that tracks the movement of Musk’s private jet, then withdrew the offer after the teen demanded $50,000. In response, the teen is creating a new usage-tracking account, Elon Musk’s Private Jet’s Toilet.

Mompha Junior, age 9, from Lagos, Nigeria, is touted online as the “world’s youngest billionaire”, thanks to his wealthy father who gifted him supercars and mansions. The boy plays in the world’s only bounce house with six bedrooms, five baths and a pool.

A man mistakenly received a text from a woman – intended for her friend – who admitted leaving her bra at his house after their date “so he has to text me again.” She was right, as the man texted “my wife found your bra”.

A driver was rescued after his SUV crashed through the frozen pond of a Montgomery County, Pennsylvania golf course. He was treated for hypothermia, but vowed never to give up the search for the Titleist he lost in October.

Apple will allow “unlisted” apps – not visible to the general public, but available via a direct link – to be accessed through the App Store. The top unlisted app is Lonely 20something Substitute Teacher, which has been downloaded by the entire football team.

Microsoft said Windows-enabled computers need to be online at least 8 hours in order to “reliably” install version updates & patches via Windows Update. The good news is, if your boss asks what you did for 8 hours, you can say “update Windows”.

SpaceX cancelled a planned rocket launch after a cruise ship mistakenly sailed too close to the Cape Canaveral, Florida launch site, causing the rocket to test positive for COVID-19 and norovirus.

American Nazi group the National Socialist Party held a rally in Orlando, Florida on Sunday afternoon, as members of the White Supremacist group quickly turned into Red Supremacists.

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A pet pig in Indianapolis is being hailed as a hero for scaring off burglars during a break-in. The homeowners were away at the time. Police investigating the crime say that the criminals were either scared away by the pig, or by the way the house looked while the pig lived there alone.

Apple is the first U.S. publicly-traded company to reach $1 trillion in value. Analysts say Apple shares are so valuable because – unlike Apple phones – you can actually expect them to keep working for you 18 months after you buy them.

The GirlCrew app is gaining popularity – it works like Tinder, only it allows women to find new platonic female friends to hang out with. GirlCrew currently enjoys a four-star rating on the Apple App Store, despite some one-star ratings from disappointed lesbians.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to say that the press is not “the enemy of the people”, despite repeated prodding from CNN’s Jim Acosta at Thursday’s briefing. Her performance was criticized by members of the press, and by Fonzie, who said he finally learned to say when he was “wrong”.

San Francisco’s Café X is using robot baristas to make specialty coffees. The robots are programmed to ask regulars how their screenplay is coming; use motion sensors to call the cops on anyone who doesn’t move for an hour; and can lift a 25-pound dumbbell attached to the restroom key.

Dozens of goats are roaming unsupervised in a Boise, Idaho neighborhood, presumably because – like many Boise residents – they can’t find anything fun to do.

Texas Rangers second baseman Rougned Odor became the first player in MLB history to draw five walks in a game and also hit a home run – making him an extremely pleasant Odor.

Amazon is purging its Marketplace from extremist merchandise after it was found merchants were selling products with white nationalist branding. The products included baby ‘onesies’ with cross-burning imagery and swastika pendants. The move left residents of Wilkes Barre PA scrambling for apparel to wear to Thursday’s Trump rally.

A New Mexico father was jailed following a viral video of him encouraging his 12-year-old daughter to beat up another girl. The man announced plans to leave the area upon his release, and move to a city where they have youth hockey.

The Social Security Administration listed its Top 1,000 baby names. In 2017, only 51 girls in the U.S. were named ‘Isis’. And they’re all having a reeeeeeallly hard time getting play dates.

 

 

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Apple released iOS 11 to the public, as CEO Tim Cook officially declared September 20th “Stare At The Download Bar On Your iPad For An Hour” Day.

  • iOS11 includes several new Augmented Reality features – including an Augmented Reality where you have the thousand dollars for an iPhone X.
  • Updates include changes to the App Store and a new Files app, giving you a convenient way to store music & photos that you’ll lose when you upgrade to iOS12.

TMZ released more photos of actor/comedian Kevin Hart allegedly cheating on his pregnant wife while in Las Vegas. In the latest images, Hart is seen posting a sign-up sheet for mistresses seeking to become his next wife.

Falling cereal sales led to General Mills reporting poor earnings to Wall Street, sending its stock price down 5%. While no formal layoffs have been announced, it’s rumored that a teary-eyed Count Chocula was seen leaving a meeting with Human Resources.

A new Boston University study concludes that young athletes who play tackle football before age 12 have more behavioral and cognitive problems later in life.  Pee Wee Football organizers responded to the study by introducing the Sippy Cup Concussion Protocol during league play.

President Trump met with Jordan’s King Abdullah II; Melania Trump dropped in at the end to share her resume & portfolio for any openings in the King’s harem.

United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley said that Trump referring to Kim Jong Un as ‘Rocket Man’ in his U.N. speech “worked” — because other ambassadors who spoke to her later used the ‘Rocket Man’ nickname. Haley added it worked just like the time when she called a junior high rival ‘fat ass’ and the other girls started saying it.

A professor at the University of Munich claims that interference in the upcoming German Presidential Election is coming not from Russia, but from U.S.-based right wing groups. As evidence, the professor produced Facebook ads featuring Pepe the German Frog.

Amazon is reportedly developing Alexa-enabled “smart glasses” that users can wear to engage the voice assistant while out & about. Amazon’s next step is conducting a field trial with nearsighted homeless people who already walk around talking to their glasses.

Mindy Kaling shared photos with Entertainment Tonight on her last day of shooting Hulu sitcom ‘The Mindy Project’. The photos are expected to be seen by a hundred times more people than have ever seen or heard of The Mindy Project.