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An Alabama man hugged 1,123 trees in an hour to break a world record. Other Alabama men failed after spending too much time hugging the trees with waist-level knotholes.

Newly-deciphered text from ancient scolls reveals details of Greek philosopher Plato’s final day before his death, with Plato allegedly having said “let’s give that new roast beef place Arbysius just opened a try”.

Comcast-owned streaming service Peacock increased prices, citing increased programming costs for the Paris Olympics and “because we like making money”.

Dave & Busters will now allow $5 bets on arcade games – and addiction counseling to people who blow their mortgage payment $5-at-at-time on skeeball.

Cannabis retailer MedMen filed for bankruptcy, citing $414 million in debt, and too many customers who took the weed and kept saying “dude, you know I’m good for the money..”

Harvey Weinstein is expected to appear in court to be re-arraigned on overturned sexual assault charges, despite a recent hospitalization. His spokesperson said Weinstein has cardiac issues, diabetes, and is nearly blind – making it extremely difficult for him to sexually harass prison cafeteria ladies.

A 2.6 magnitude aftershock was registered in New Jersey, as men wearing gold chains during sex took credit for making the Earth move.

Barbra Streisand was dragged for replying to Melissa McCarthy’s Instagram photo by asking her if she takes Ozempic. Streisand apologized, saying she’s known McCarthy for years, adding “wegovy way back”.

The LA Dodgers/Arizona Diamondbacks game at Arizona’s Chase Field was delayed 2 hours by a swarm of bees that landed in the netting behind home plate. A beekeeper removed them and determined they were Dodgers fans because they left the game early.

The families of an alleged road rage killer and his victim brawled inside a Massachusetts courtroom. Officials broke up the fight and the judge told them to go outside and settle it with their cars.

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Masterpiece Cakeshop was fined $500 for refusing to make a birthday cake – blue on the outside, pink inside – for transgender woman Autumn Scardina. Scardina then tried to trick the baker by saying it was for a gender reveal party for a 30-year-old. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Tori Spelling told an interviewer she no longer sleeps in the same bed as her husband Dean McDermott, that she sleeps with her kids and her dog. In other news, Tori Spelling’s dog filed for divorce.

Donald Trump said windmills “kill everything” in a recent interview with Fox News Sean Hannity. “Damn right” said the families of birds who died tragically.

Iranians are voting in their Presidential election. “Ayatollah who’s gonna win” said an Iranian pollster.

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of a Catholic services agency who refused to let gay couples provide homes to foster children. The agency expressed gratitude at the ruling and their continued ability to allow only hetero couples to abuse children.

Daredevil Alex Harvill died while warming up to break the world record for longest motorcycle jump. The coroner said he’ll perform an autopsy once he stops skidding.

Baseball’s Arizona Diamondbacks lost their 22nd consecutive road game. They’re so cold, fans can’t wait for them to return to 118-degree Phoenix.

Golfer Phil Mickelson was visibly upset by a ringing cell phone while playing the 13th hole at the U.S. Open. He demanded the phone be put on silent, but his caddie said it was the fourth time Phil’s wife called to ask when he’s getting home.

Billie Eilish is under fire for allegedly mocking Asians in videos she made in her early teens, when she was known as Beery Irish.

Haiti’s mens soccer team missed out on a chance to qualify for the 2022 World Cup, when goalie Josue Duverger mishandled a defender’s pass for an own goal, and they lost 1-0. Duverger will never be able to silence the haiters.

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Sports betting service Fanduel announced they’ll start charging a monthly fee for inactive accounts. Fanduel says if you’re going to gamble, you’d better be compulsive about it.

CVS is closing 48 stores. The company issued a list of the stores along with five pages of coupons.

Attorney General William Barr refused to appear before the House Judiciary Committee to answer questions about the Mueller Report, objecting to the proposed format of questions asked by highly-trained lawyers, instead of barely-trained Congressmen.

Former FBI Director James Comey penned an op-ed for The New York Times, saying President Trump has ‘eaten William Barr’s soul’. Barr dismissed it, saying that while a lot of him is made of Kentucky Fried Chicken and Big Macs, his soul isn’t.

Following a game against the Arizona Diamondbacks, the New York Yankees removed two Arizona sheriff’s deputies working security with a K-9 unit from the team’s locker room, because they asked Yankees players for autographs. “Fine, but don’t you want to know where the drugs are?” said a police dog.

Police responded to shots fired at a family Easter dinner in Virginia, where men argued over which truck was better: Ford or Chevy. Mark Turner, 56, shot his daughter’s boyfriend, who police found lying on the ground….like a rock.

Florida legislators passed a bill where schools can opt-in to a program permitting classroom teachers to carry guns. Guns are already in widespread use among Florida gym teachers to get kids to run laps.

Moviegoers seeing Avengers:Endgame at an AMC theater in California may have been exposed to measles. Health officials spotted people with red Dots they got at the concession stand.

A U.K. study found high levels of cocaine in freshwater shrimp, and diners having difficulty eating their shrimp cocktail waiting for it to hold still.

A cruise ship owned by the Church of Scientology is quarantined in St. Lucia, based on reports that one or more passengers is infected with measles. Health officials are waiting to see if they go clear.