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Premium streaming services HBO Max and Discovery+ will combine next year. Viewers are already excited for Euphoria: Naked and Afraid.

WNBA star Britney Griner reportedly won over Russian prison guards who told her “everything will be OK!” before the conclusion of her trial. She was sentenced to 9 years and guards said “OK maybe not!”

Amazon is acquiring iRobot for over a billion dollars. iRobot technology will continue to suck up household dirt and human jobs in warehouses.

A lightning strike killed two people and injured two others in Washington DC. Members of Congress said this still won’t stop them from lying.

Actress Christina Ricci said in an interview that Johnny Depp first explained homosexuality to her when she was nine years old. Ricci appreciated it, but said she could have done without watching the movies Depp showed her.

Singer Doja Cat surprised fans on Instagram, revealing she’d shaved her head and eyebrows and claiming she “never liked” having hair. Instagram temporarily crashed from the influx of shaved ‘cat’ comments.

Tyler Perry doesn’t want to talk about race issues with his 7-year-old son Aman yet. He’s saving that for Tyler Perry’s ‘Tyler Perry Talks About Race With His Son Aman.’ Coming soon to theaters.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers said he wouldn’t have been NFL MVP the last two seasons without having a ‘magical’ experience taking hallucinogen ayahuasca. He’s looking for a new drug that can help him win playoff games.

A woman shared an essay with the Huffington Post, saying she had sex for the first time in 10 years and it landed her in the emergency room. Her boyfriend also shared an essay, saying he was right that they should practice sex more often.

Firefighters were called to remove a bear from the laundry room of a Santa Barbara County, California home. The bear had broken a water pipe to drink from it. and left with the firefighters once his socks were dry.

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U.S. surgeons successfully transplanted a pig kidney to a human patient for the first time. However, the human patient is brain dead, so he’ll never get a chance to thank the pig.

Human remains were found near the belongings of Brian Laundrie in a Florida nature preserve. The remains were located next to a family of alligators looking at the dessert tray.

Donald Trump launched a new social media app ‘Truth Social’. Although they’re considering changing the name to ‘Facebook’ once that name is let go by the current owners.

Five veterans have resigned from embattled Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema’s advisory board. Although Sinema’s representative said she asked them to leave because they don’t know how to send bribes in Venmo.

NASA built a working electric motorcycle for moon exploration. Unfortunately violent gang Moon’s Angels already claimed the Sea of Tranquility as their turf.

LEGO issued the long-awaited ‘Home Alone‘ playset, then promptly recalled it after dozens of children suffered severe burns and puncture wounds.

‘The Sopranos’ creator David Chase is reportedly in discussions with HBO Max on a prequel series, where the lovable gang learns how to mix & pour concrete and use guns.

A tiny crab found preserved in 100-million-year-old amber lived among dinosaurs, and is believed to be responsible for annoying tyrannosaurus jock itch.

Female lawyers and judges in Afghanistan are reportedly in constant fear under the new regime. “The whole TRIAL is out of ORDER!!” said Taliban Pacino Esq.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos finally admitted that he “screwed up” – referring to his recent decision to air Rob Schneider’s stand-up special.

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Homicides involving women have more than doubled in Philadelphia this year, as city leaders praise this bold step toward gender equality.

Congress is expected to approve a stopgap measure to avert a U.S. government shutdown, so government work can continue everywhere except Congress.

Irmgard Furchner, a 96-year-old former Nazi concentration camp secretary, fled before facing her trial for mass murder. “The accused is on the run” said a court official, before correcting to say “..or more likely on the walk, or roll..whatever”.

Facebook published two slide decks sharing its research on how Instagram impacts teens’ mental health. Because if there’s anything teen Instagram users like to look at, it’s 30-page PowerPoint presentations.

Dollar Tree hiked the prices of some items to over $1, and is considering changing the name of their stores to Big Spender.

A 57-year-old Michigan man reportedly drowned with a winning lottery ticket worth $45,000 in his pocket. Officials are waiting for the coroner’s report, but he disappeared after borrowing a blow dryer from a female coworker.

NASA reported multiple fireballs hurtling through the sky over the North Carolina coast last Friday evening – unrelated to the Fireballs hurtling down the throats of NASA employees at Friday evening’s office happy hour.

‘The Sopranos‘ prequel ‘Many Saints Of Newark‘ premieres tomorrow in theaters and on streaming, leading fans to seek out Many Ways To Pirate HBO Max.

Dog The Bounty Hunter claims he’s “closing in” on fugitive Brian Laundrie, taking the search to a “remote island” where he believes Laundrie is hiding – a remote island known to locals as “Maui”.

CBS ‘Big Brother‘ crowned its first black champion and winner of the $750,000 grand prize, who now goes by Wealthy Brother.

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Lin-Manuel Miranda apologized for failing to cast dark-skinned Afro-Latino actors in his hit movie ‘In The Heights’, but added “come on, Aaron Burr was pretty black in Hamilton..”

Philadelphia is innovating to solve its two problems of illegal ATVs & dirt bikes, and uncollected trash, by building garbage ramps for illegal ATVs & dirt bikes to jump over.

Sotheby’s will auction the 9,555 lines of source code that formed the basis for the World Wide Web. It will also sell the performance review of the person who wrote it, where their boss gave them an overall grade of ‘Needs Improvement’.

AMC Networks is premiering ‘Kevin Can F**k Himself’, a send-up of the ‘awkward husband’ sitcom format, named after production assistants favorite phrase on the set of defunct Kevin James show ‘Kevin Can Wait’.

Rihanna’s Fenty fashion line debuted new leggings with an open-weave crisscross pattern that exposes the wearer’s butt crack. Rihanna explained that she likes to wear leggings, but needed a place to hold her phone.

The Chief of the Bank of England warns that rising adoption of cryptocurrency attracts criminal activity. Then he announced that the Bank of England will accept overdraft penalty fees in Bitcoin.

A proposed documentary on the career of Jim Varney is seeking crowdfunding, ‘Ernest Goes To Kickstarter’.

Actor/comedian Rob Riggle is accusing his estranged wife Tiffany of installing a spy camera in his office to hear conversations with his girlfriend. Tiffany is believed to be the only person in America who wants to see & hear more from Rob Riggle.

Some Americans were infected with COVID-19 as early as December, 2019. They’re believed to be the Hello Fresh customers who ordered the Cheesy Pangolin Casserole.

Producers of the Harley Quinn animated series on HBO Max were forced to delete a scene depicting Batman performing oral sex on Catwoman – as well as an additional scene where she returns the favor and coughs up a hairball.

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Walmart claims a ‘bad actor’ hacked their account and sent emails containing the n-word. Not Scott Baio, a different kind of bad actor.

McDonald’s is introducing a new McNuggets combo, the BTS Meal, in honor of the South Korean boy band. North Korea is introducing the Kim Jong Un Meal, because he’s the only guy in the country able to get food from McDonald’s.

Arby’s is also offering a BTS Meal, only it stands for Bowel Tearing Sandwiches.

‘Friends’ star Matthew Perry explained his slurred speech during an appearance promoting the HBO Max Friends Reunion special, blaming it on a dental visit. Earlier that day he got his teeth cleaned and did drugs with a dental hygienist.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight assaulted a flight attendant, knocking out two of her teeth. What’s most impressive is that they threw the punch from a window seat.

A Sherpa climber halted his attempt to summit Mount Everest for a record-breaking 26th time because, midway up the mountain, he had a bad dream. The bad dream was about the three guys climbing with him who froze to death.

Amazon bought MGM Studios for $8.45 billion. The iconic roaring lion that introduces MGM films will be replaced by the yelling of a Mom angry that her Prime shipment is taking 3 days to arrive.

A grand jury will meet three days a week for six months to consider possible crimes committed by the Trump Organization. They need six months because there are, like. a lot of crimes. The biggest amount of crimes you’ve ever seen.

Positive first-quarter results caused a 12% increase in shares of Dick’s Sporting Goods. Execs cited the waning effects of the pandemic as being all-around great news for Dick’s.

Kim Kardashian flunked the first-year law school students bar exam, or ‘baby bar’. She admits she does better on baby exams when she’s with a wealthy black guy.

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The CEOs of Google, Twitter & Facebook all testified before Congress about online misinformation Thursday – but only after members of Congress agreed to accept cookies.

A new study claims COVID-19 vaccines are safe for pregnant women. Now they just need to figure out how to get fetuses to wear masks in the womb.

New England Patriots offensive lineman Justin Herron is being hailed for his heroism stopping a 30-year-old man from assaulting a 71-year-old woman in a Phoenix park. Said Herron, “if there’s one thing I know, it’s holding”.

Dyson’s newest vacuum cleaners are equipped with lasers – creating confusing, mixed emotions in homes with cats.

A former Girl Scout troop leader in Ohio was charged with stealing $12,500 from cookie sales. She stole some money, then she stole S’more. (Story h/t to AJF!)

‘Justice League – the Snyder Cut’ had fewer opening-weekend streams than ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ on HBO Max, but had just as many nerds letting everyone know they thought it sucked.

The Philadelphia Zoo debuted its animatronic dinosaur exhibit. Kids have already punched the dinosaurs for refusing to eat pieces of soft pretzels they toss.

Elton John turned 74. His hair turned 10.

Expert tasters on Earth evaluated wine that was aged for a year on the International Space Station. They said it needed to age a few more years in the ISS toilet.

Researchers now believe COVID-19 can also be ‘swallowed’ in to the body if a person’s saliva is infected. They made this conclusion after testing multiple subjects who ate Taco Bell’s new Coronavirus Crunch Chalupa.

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Joe Biden thinks it would help the country heal if Donald Trump attends his inauguration, but he personally doesn’t care if Trump doesn’t go. Trump hasn’t said if he’ll be there, but as of now he’s only checked ‘Interested’.

ESPN terminated ‘NFL Live’ and radio host Trey Wingo, who’s now Trey Wingone.

Scientists think they now know why salmon have been mysteriously dying on the West Coast – they never learned how to swim.

Former Congressman John Delaney proposes giving Americans $1,500 stimulus checks in exchange for getting a COVID-19 vaccine. He claims this will help build immunity, and create part-time jobs earning up to $15,000 a year.

50 billion British Pounds worth of banknotes are missing from the Bank of England and no one has an explanation. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent Donald Trump ten boxes of Christmas presents.

A Taiwanese man lied to his wife, telling her the Playstation 5 he bought was an air purifier. She discovered and made him sell it, after their apartment set a new high score for pollen and pet dander.

A Texas high school football player was ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct, then ran off the sideline and tackled the referee, concussing him. The referee entered the Concussion Protocol, and the student/athlete entered the Expulsion Protocol.

Queen Elizabeth II’s dog Vulcan died, leaving her with one remaining dog, Candy, who is now the only other bitch in line for the throne.

The FCC & FAA intend to officially ban cell-phone calls made by passengers when the plane is in flight. Although they’re considering an exception for Boeing 737MAX passengers whose jet is falling out of the sky.

Warner Bros Pictures announced it will simultaneously release all its upcoming films on HBO Max & cinemas. However, every microwave popcorn maker is raising prices to $15/bag.

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12 Million people will lose unemployment benefits the day after Christmas. “Dahoo Doray…this f**king sucks” sang all the Whos in Whoville.

Jennifer Grey and husband Clark Gregg – Agent Coulson in the Marvel Universe – finalized their divorce settlement. Grey keeps all residuals from Dirty Dancing, while she snaps up half his Marvel residuals, according to Grey’s attorney, Thanos.

Scientists in Australia created diamonds from rocks in a lab at room temperature in just minutes. They did so by applying immense pressure – equivalent to that of a two-year girlfriend’s expectations on Christmas Eve.

An Amazon driver stole a tv and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

Matthew McConaughey is considering a run for Governor of Texas in 2022. His plan is called ‘How To Lose An Election in 24 Months’.

While Beyonce partners with Peloton, her husband Jay Z is investing in vertical climbing machine startup, CLIMBR – which promises to hold twice as many dirty clothes as a Peloton bike.

The National Anthem at the Mike Tyson/Roy Jones Jr fight will be sung by Ne-Yo…say can you see….

A man told to wear a mask in IHOP wielded a knife and cut an employee’s arm before fleeing. The wound was treated with stitches because it was only a short stab.

The Vatican reportedly launched an inquiry with Instagram, asking how Pope Francis’ account ‘Liked’ a photo from a Brazilian butt model. Instagram replied to the Vatican, saying it was a result of Francis ‘double-tappin’ on dat azz’.

Following months of delays, Wonder Woman 1984 will premiere in cinemas and streaming service HBO Max on the same day. Wonder Woman surveyed movie fans with her Lasso of Truth and 98% said there’s no way they’re going to a theater.

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WarnerMedia, owner of HBO, is renaming the ‘HBO Now’ app as ‘HBO’ and eliminating ‘HBO Go’ in favor of ‘HBO Max’ in an attempt to eliminate confusion surrounding the different brands. So, that oughta clear everything up.

New Jersey is requiring police officers that have been fired, suspended or faced disciplinary action to be identified to the general public. Police departments are asking if they can just give the list of cops that haven’t been fired, suspended or disciplined.

Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott tested positive for COVID19, but is in recovery and feeling good. He wanted to thank Philadelphia Eagles fans for sending him cards and letters they’d coughed on.

For the first time ever, a professional video gamer will miss league play because of a thumb injury. He slammed it in the freezer door at his Mom’s house getting pizza rolls.

Taylor Swift said monuments to Confederate soldiers displayed in Tennessee “make her sick”. If the slavery part or seceding from the U.S.A. part aren’t enough for you to want to tear down statues ..there’s that.

The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that LGBTQ workers are covered under existing civil rights protections against wrongful discrimination and termination. Writing for the majority, conservative justice Neil Gorsuch said “wait…what!?”.

Walmart is eliminating human cashiers in one of its stores in its founding city of Fayettville, Arkansas, claiming it’s easier denying health insurance to robots.

Scientists believe there are 36 intelligent alien civilizations in the Milky Way galaxy – all registered for mail-in voting in the November presidential election.

The Food & Drug Administration approved the first prescription video game, ‘EndeavorRX’ to treat ADHD in kids ages 8 to 12. Already, dozens of 9-and-10-year-olds have been rushed to emergency rooms for overdoses.

T-Mobile confirmed a massive voice and data outage yesterday, despite going unnoticed by most of their customers who considered it just another weekday.

 

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Two of trainer Bob Baffert’s horses tested positive for banned substances, including Kentucky Derby favorite Charlatan. Charlatan and the other horse checked themselves into a rehab pasture.

Off-price retailer Tuesday Morning is closing 230 stores and declaring bankruptcy. A judge scheduled a hearing for Tuesday morning, but executives said they’re busy then.

Nevada casinos are set to reopen at partial capacity on June 4th. They’ll feature new touchless slot machines, where you hold your credit card next to it and it just tells you how much money you lost.

New streaming service HBO Max launched. It’s expected to compete with Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Amazon Prime, YouTube Premium & others for people who look at the menu for 20 minutes and decide there’s nothing to watch.

The Federal Reserve reports massive unemployment during the pandemic is compounded by people who don’t want to return to their old jobs. They didn’t specify which jobs, only that it rhymed with ‘Glamazon Scaremouse’.

Tom Brady is selling his customized Cadillac Escalade for $300,000, just as soon as he removes the video of other NFL team practices from the DVD player.

Whisper, a 20-year-old beluga whale, gave birth to a calf at the Georgia Aquarium. Per Georgia tradition, the father is expected to return for a shotgun whale wedding.

A rare bottle of cognac sold for $146,000 at auction, thus increasing the budget for a hip-hop artist’s new video by $146,000.

Joe Biden says he hopes to announce his running mate by August 1st – so, in about two weeks.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, responding to Twitter fact-checking Donald Trump, said he doesn’t believe social media should be the ‘arbiter of truth’ – especially when there’s so much money to made peddling bullshit.