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A man swallowed an Apple AirPod earbud in his sleep, accidentally inventing the world’s first StoolPod bluetooth speaker.

Indoor dining in Philadelphia can expand to 50% of capacity, provided air quality standards are met. No Mexican restaurants are expected to qualify.

The 2021 Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees were announced. Curt Schilling demanded that his name be kept off the ballot.

Bruce Springsteen was charged with DWI at a New Jersey state park. He failed a field sobriety test, as well as two encore field sobriety tests.

The U.S. Coast Guard rescued three Cuban refugees from a deserted island where they lived off of coconuts for 33 days. All were treated for exposure and dehydration, and two were treated for injuries from being repeatedly struck by the Skipper’s hat.

Democratic impeachment attorneys plan to show never-before-seen footage of Capitol Rioters on June 6th – when they breached the House & Senate break rooms and discovered that hiding Congressmen took all the donuts with them.

The World Health Organization will present the range of scenarios that created the COVID-19 pandemic in humans – the most likely being transmission from an “intermediary host species”; the least likely being a “radioactive pangolin bite”.

Aunt Jemima products are now rebranded as Pearl Milling Company. Pearl Milling Company is already being sued for denying unemployment checks to Aunt Jemima.

Kim Kardashian donated flower bouquets used in a photo shoot to frontline workers at Los Angeles area hospitals, allowing them, in turn, to regift them a second time for funerals.

Coca-Cola will roll out new 13.5 ounce bottles of soda made from 100% recycled plastic. They hope it will appeal to younger, environmentally conscious future diabetics.

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Brett Favre is charging $5000 for a 10-minute Zoom call via celebrity messaging service Cameo – or, $4000 if you’re a massage therapist and let him show you his penis.

The Trump Administration is suing to stop sales of a tell-all book from former National Security Adviser John Bolton, saying the book contains national security secrets. Although everyone could probably guess the Oval Office bathroom code is 1234.

A court found Shake Shack is not liable for three New York cops getting sick after eating there, saying most people are sick when they find out a cheeseburger and shake costs $17.

Amidst national protests and demands for police reform, many cops across the U.S. are quitting. Dunkin’ shares dropped 30% in early trading.

Google released special Pride Month ringtones for its Pixel mobile phones. So far, the most downloaded is “HEYYYY-ayyyyy’.

Quaker Foods announced a name change for Aunt Jemima products. The syrup will be offered in larger sizes to accommodate a label reading: ‘Your Black Mom’s Sister’s High-Fructose Imitation Maple Goo’.

American moms are saying kid-friendly all-white band The Wiggles need to diversify and add one or more minority members. The band has so far refused, saying racial integration is a Hot Potato.

‘That 70s Show’ actor Danny Masterson was arrested and charged with rape. “Way to go, dumbass” said Red Forman.

Lego launched interactive Super Mario playsets. The combined cost of all of them is nearly $600, leading Mario to complain about having to collect that many coins.

After a two-year investigation, a 34-year old Idaho woman was arrested and charged with having sex with underage boys. A spokesman for the boys called it “two pretty great years.”