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Officials confirmed the human remains found in a Florida nature preserve are those of fugitive Brian Laundrie. Dog The Bounty Hunter is now officially out of excuses for not writing thank-you cards for gifts from his recent wedding.

Donald Trump’s TRUTH Social was immediately hacked after launch, with Trump’s own account depicting a pig defecating on its own scrotum. TRUTH Social execs disputed this, saying the picture was of Melania’s pet from her youth in Slovenia.

A 106-year-old woman in Pennsylvania, who credits her long life to a one-Yuengling Lager-a-day routine, received a special gift from the brewery. It’s a Lifetime Supply of beer, which in her case is a 12-pack.

A Tufts University women’s lacrosse player died from choking during a hot dog eating contest for charity. Other contestants tried, and failed, to save her using the Oscar-Mayer Maneuver.

Lauren Witzke, a losing Republican U.S. Senate candidate from Delaware who opposes vaccines and embraces QAnon theories, contracted COVID-19. Witzke says she has “lost her joy” – and by “joy” she means “lung function”.

Afghan news professionals predict a bleak future for their trade under Taliban rule, citing a recent episode of top-rated ‘Good Morning Kabul’ that was just three hours of hand-chopping videos.

Pfizer’s COVID vaccine is 90% effective in children ages 5-to-12. The other 10% are kids that ran and haven’t been caught.

Queen Elizabeth II spent the night in a hospital for “preliminary investigations”. She was sent back home the next day after doctors determined the stick up her ass hadn’t shifted.

Tesla owners are concerned about the Biden Administration possibly regulating Autopilot. The Administration counters that Autopilot oversight is needed because of climate change – Teslas on Autopilot are killng too many trees by crashing into them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz failed to pay his bar dues and can no longer practice law in Florida. Gaetz did, however, pay the bar bills for multiple 16-and-17-year-old girls.

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The Taliban have reportedly taken over the government of Afghanistan. The Afghan Army caved so fast, they’re being made fun of by France.

The situation in Afghanistan is so bad, residents are booking flights to Haiti.

The Taliban painted over posters of women at a Kabul beauty salon – because women are oppressed, and because the Taliban don’t like the look of bangs.

According to data from website Business Insider, the average McDonald’s customer is a white female, between the ages of 41 and 56, with an average household income over $80,000, buying breakfast items … on their way to refill insulin.

Texas’ Supreme Court overruled mask mandates issued for Dallas & San Antonio, giving a victory to lawyers representing the Delta Variant of COVID-19.

Johnny Depp claims that he’s being “boycotted” by Hollywood since a British court ruled he abused ex-wife Amber Heard. Hollywood said there’s no such boycott, and Depp just thinks he’s too good to guest-star on Bob Loves Abishola.

‘Pawn Stars’ Rick Harrison divorced his wife Deanna in the middle of 2020. Apparently they spent the last year haggling over how much he’d pay to buy back her engagement ring.

Rapper Silento, who had a hit with ‘Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)’ was charged with felony murder. Cops arresting him told him he had the right to remain Silento.

The U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is investigating 11 incidents of Tesla vehicles in autopilot mode slamming into emergency vehicles. They believe some of the cars are owned by lawyers chasing ambulances.

A bloody fight broke out in the stands during the Los Angeles Rams/Los Angeles Chargers preseason NFL game. Cops took over a minute to respond because they couldn’t believe anyone cared that much about anything during an NFL preseason game.