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Jennifer Lopez cancelled her 30-city ‘This Is Me..Now’ Summer Tour. Sales were so lousy, Ticketmaster offered to cut their per-ticket fee in half to $50 each.

The CDC has confirmed a second human case of bird flu. The government is concerned about further transmission, since infected birds can’t find N95 masks that fit their beaks.

Claudia Sheinbaum was elected as the first female President of Mexico. “What a mitzvah!” said Mexicans.

New warnings were issued concerned elevated lead levels in spices. High volume of lead was found in Badia brand cinnamon, and in Belly Full Of Lead Toast Crunch cereal.

An AT&T executive endorses “reverse mentoring” – asking younger co-workers about the strategies they use to succeed in their jobs. So far her youth mentors have taught her a lot about letting older people do their work.

Due to a calendar anomaly, Social Security payments will be delayed a week for recipients whose birthdates are between the 1st and 10th of a month. Cracker Barrel hostesses and servers are advised to adjust their plans accordingly.

A flight attendant on Tik Tok said one of the reasons they greet passengers as they board is to determine if they’re too drunk or sick to fly. A Spirit flight atttendant said they also like to assess who’s most likely to win the in-air fistfights they bet on.

Philadelphia drag queens set a record for the largest attendance at a drag queen storytime reading, with 263 people in attendance. Drag queens said they were thrilled with the support, but not thrilled by how much the kids tipped.

Serial record=breaker David Rush established a new record by using only his nose to exhale and inflate 28 balloons in under three minutes. He’s now being treated for a world record sinus infection.

Lenny Kravitz claims he’s been celibate for years for “spiritual reasons”. Incels are now busily updating their dating app profiles to say that they, too, haven’t had sex for years because they’re just like Lenny Kravitz.

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Gen Z is reportedly embracing physical books & libraries to escape the stresses of the digital world. This is confirmed by a surge in young men & women posting nude selfies to their Tinder profiles while reading books.

Donald Trump confused 7 Eleven and 9/11 during a speech. He then doubled down, saying he’ll never forget or forgive that they don’t have a Diet Coke Slurpee.

Jen Pawol could become the first woman to umpire 2024 regular season games for Major League Baseball. She’ll work Spring Training games, where she’ll become the first umpire to argue with players and managers by not speaking to them.

A passenger on a Lufthansa flight died after other passengers reported ‘liters of blood’ “gushing” from his nose & mouth. His family is demanding answers and a refund of the $20 in-flight snack box he ate before the incident.

The Church of Scientology and supporters of Jesus both aired Super Bowl ads, in hopes of attracting worshippers who no longer believe in Bud Light.

A new book claims James Gandolfini was unreliable while shooting the final two seasons of ‘The Sopranos’ due to “excesses of consumption”. Gandolfini acknowledged his unprofessional behavior, but never sought treatment for gabbagool dependency.

Shoshanna Lefler, 37 – a teacher at Manhattan’s prestigious High School for Health Careers & Sciences – resigned after video captured her going into a locked bathroom with a 17-year-old male student then handing him a wad of cash. No one believed her when she said the money was for the Scholastic Book Fair.

ABC announced The Golden Bachelorette series, but haven’t cast the 60-plus woman to take the role. Meanwhile ABC talent scouts are busy auditioning single senior men, each of whom is required to submit a video and proof of shingles vaccination.

In Hong Kong, a dragon made of 39,000 balloons to commemorate the Lunar New Year was certified for a Guinness World Record, before it was shot down in a U.S. drone strike.

A massive fire broke out at a new waterpark in Sweden before it opened to the public. First responders eventually contained the blaze, and treated themselves for minor burns in the wave pool.