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Jeffrey Epstein’s private Caribbean islands are listed for sale at $125 million. But because of their sordid history, they may sell for under 18.

Amidst a wave in Spring Break violence, Miami Beach is banning alcohol sales after 6pm. College drinkers are invited to join senior citizens getting hammered at the Early Bird Special.

Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, texted White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to encourage him to overthrow the 2020 Presidential Election. She would have texted Trump directly, but since she’s 65 and weighs over 150 pounds, Trump wouldn’t give her his number.

570,000 chickens will be culled because of a bird flu outbreak on a Nebraska poultry farm, unless the chickens win an 11th-hour reprieve from the Governor.

A man punched a Southwest Airlines gate agent after being removed from his flight departing Atlanta. He was arrested, jailed, and picked a window seat.

Uber reached a deal to list all New York City taxis on its app – giving cabbies the equal opportunity they’ve sought to sexually harass female passengers.

Netflix will air The Comedy Store’s tribute to Bob Saget as a special this June. A Netflix spokesperson said that after giving Jeff Foxworthy a new special, people will eager to watch an hour-long show about a dead guy.

Russian President Vladimir Putin blamed “cancel culture” for sanctions against Russia taken by countries opposing his invasion of Ukraine. Putin’s edgy hot take earned him a headlining weekend with four shows at Moscow’s Chuckle Dungeon comedy club.

After 50 years, a sample of the Moon’s surface from the 1972 Apollo 17 mission was opened by NASA for testing. The test was a success, as the dust sample was sucked up in no time by a new Dyson hand vacuum.

Scientists determined how boa constrictors keep breathing while squeezing and suffocating their prey. It took a while because the scientist who published the report was still pretty upset watching a snake kill three of his coworkers.

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Melania Trump is auctioning a hat and ‘two other personal items’ at a minimum starting bid of $250,000. “I’m out” said a Florida lottery winner after learning neither of the ‘personal items’ are socks or underwear.

A new tequila brand, Flecha Azul, is being launched by actor Mark Wahlberg, golfer Abraham Ancer, and entrepreneur Aron Marquez – Marky Mark & the Drunky Bunch.

Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa are getting divorced. They issued a statement saying their marriage is no Momoa.

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly annouced they’re getting married, and sealed their commitment by drinking each other’s blood. Their four kids from previous relationships said it made for a pretty weird celebration dinner at Olive Garden.

Comcast/Xfinity said they’ve successfully lab-tested the first multigigabit cable modem. Then they fired the engineers whose hard-drives were loaded with the entirety of Pornhub.

My Pillow CEO and Trumper conspiracy theory crackpot Mike Lindell says he has ‘enough evidence’ to put ‘300 million’ Americans in jail. He says it’s nothing to do with the 2020 election, it’s because My Pillows have tiny cameras in them.

Steve Harvey blamed ‘cancel culture’ as the reason he may never do another standup comedy special. ABC announced the cancellation of Judge Steve Harvey.

Canon home printers are rejecting new Canon ink cartridges since they lack authenticating microchips due to a global shortage. Customers are so angry, they’re magenta in the face.

Conor McGregor’s Dublin, Ireland bar, The Black Forge, was attacked with Molotov cocktails by vandals Wednesday night. Fortunately, there was no damage since Irish drunks were able to drink them.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz’s ex-girlfriend is expected to testify before a grand jury amidst allegations Gaetz engaged in sex trafficking and sex with underaged women. The grand jury will convene on an afternoon when the 14-year-old isn’t babysitting.

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The Trump Administration declined to buy additional vaccines from Pfizer following an initial 100 million-unit purchase. Trump wanted to wait until herd immunity so he could get them at clearance prices.

President-Elect Joe Biden selected the personnel to lead his health team. They’ll direct the CDC, fight the pandemic, and remind him what pills he takes that day.

Tesla issued its Executive Diversity report, revealing its U.S. leadership is 59 percent male and 83 percent white. The only thing that’s more male and white are Tesla drivers.

TV movie ‘Love, Lights, Hanukkah!’ premiered starring Ben Savage, Mia Kershner and Marilu Henner. It can be seen exclusively during Chanukah on the Challmark Channel.

The official height of Mount Everest was raised by 30 feet – providing room for 10 to 15 more climbers to freeze to death.

Stevie Nicks sold the majority of her solo & Fleetwood Mac songwriting catalog for about $100 million, finally settling her cocaine debt with Lindsey Buckingham.

‘Wonder Woman 1984‘ screened for critics, with most posting favorable reviews, although several walked out of their living rooms.

China pulled action movie ‘Monster Hunter’ from cinemas, because of a scene where an Asian actor point to his legs and says “What kind of knees are these? Chinese””. Historians marked 2020 as the year Cancel Culture hit China.

Breakdancing has been added to the 2024 Paris Summer Olympics. Vladimir Putin just ordered two dozen Black Russians.

A 90-year-old woman in the U.K. is the first to receive the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine. She celebrated with a scone and choked to death.