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Heavy equipment manufacturer Caterpillar was fined after a worker fell into an open vat of molten iron heated to more than 2.000 degrees. Caterpillar also refunded a town’s purchase after they bought a backhoe with a skull sticking out of it.

Candace Cameron Bure blames the media for backlash that her Great American Family channel Christmas movies will only feature “traditional” marriage. She also said her movies will not feature Christmas music from the Trans Siberian Orchestra.

Tennessee’s Attorney General launched an investigation into Ticketmaster over residents’ inability to get Taylor Swift tickets. Thousands of rural Tennesseeans waited in line outside of a record store before realizing they needed Internet access.

Medical journal Human Reproduction Update claims the global decline in male sperm counts is accelerating at an increasing rate. “Coulda fooled me” said women in the Planned Parenthood waiting room, and Moms doing laundry.

A blizzard with up to four feet of snow is forecast for Buffalo, NY – and may force the relocation of Sunday’s Buffalo Bills home game against the Cleveland Browns. If not, it will force tailgating Bills fans to find folding tables with five-foot long legs to dive on.

Tim Allen returns to his 90s holiday movie role in Disney+ series The Santa Clauses, where Allen, as Santa, decides he’s only going to deliver toys to red states.

Jay Leno underwent skin graft surgery and is being treated in a hyperbaric chamber after suffering gasoline burns to his face, hands & chest. Nurses are unsuccessfully attempting to swap out of burn unit shifts since they’ve already heard the jokes.

Peacock documentary Casey Anthony: Where The Truth Lies debuts November 29th. According to the presiding judge at her trial, Casey’s new claim that her father killed the baby means The Truth Lies somewhere other than Casey Anthony’s mouth.

Kim Kardashian shared a bunch of lingerie photos to promote the opening of her SKIMS Holiday Pop-Up – inspiring more than a few Holiday pop-ups from dateless losers looking at them.

NBC ‘Today’ show co-host Jenna Bush Hager told co-host Hoda Kotb she “never wears underwear”, saying “it makes a more pretty silhouette”. Although show producers say it also makes for added expense on wardrobe and chairs.

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A group of Wyoming men tied the hair of their beards together in a bar and set a new world record for Longest Beard Chain. Their record was verified by several head lice who walked the full 150-foot length of the chain.

Former Playboy model Kelsey Turner plead guilty to murdering her 71-year-old psychiatrist. The presiding judge said he reviewed her statement to police, but mostly just looked at her pictures.

Amazon announced a new virtual healthcare service for allergies, acne and hair loss. They’ll treat thousands who developed severe acne and lost their hair over the stress of their Amazon warehouse jobs.

Consumer Reports claims electric vehicles are now less reliable as more manufacturers enter the category and introduce new technology. Their claim is disputed by the CEO of Yugo Electric.

Actress Hilarie Burton called Candace Cameron Bure a ‘bigot’ over Cameron Bure’s statement that her Great American Country Christmas movies will only feature heterosexual romance. Burton and Cameron Bure then returned to their respective mountain hometowns to help save independent candy stores from foreclosure.

Dave Chappelle reportedly tricked Saturday Night Live by doing a different monologue in dress rehearsal than one he performed on the live show. Producers say they weren’t fooled because the dress rehearsal routine lasted 2 1/2 hours.

Elon Musk emailed Twitter employees saying they needed to do “extremely hardcore” work or “get out”. The news worried employees hoping for work/life balance, but motivated female employees with Only Fans accounts.

Disney World increased ticket prices for the second time in a year. In a related move, free passes for Make-A-Wish families will be restricted to patients who almost definitely aren’t going to make it.

A bus full of migrants sent from Texas by Governor Greg Abbott arrived in Philadelphia. After several minutes in the city, nearly all of them called for 76ers Coach Doc Rivers to resign.

Newly-single Gisele Bundchen claims Joaquim Valente, a jiu jitsu instructor, is joining her in Costa Rica because he’s training the whole family. Though Bundchen’s kids admit Joaquin is spending a lot of time teaching Mom the full-mount jiu jitsu position.

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Hallmark Channel pulled an ad from a wedding planning service because it showed two women kissing. The ad was then reshot with Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert as the kissing couple, and Hallmark Channel was contractually obligated to show it.

Government health officials claim excessive use of marijuana can cause psychosis. Marijuana advocates respond by saying that’s the point.

Military officials are investigating whether cadets attending the Army/Navy Game flashed a ‘white power’ hand sign – touching thumb & index fingers with the remaining digits extended – while on-camera at the game. The cadet claimed he was just trying to say he only had to attend three more of these cold, terrible football games.

A New England Patriots videographer taking images of the Cincinnati Bengals sideline last week was suspended by the team for an unspecified period, accompanied by an unspecified promotion and pay raise.

The Oakland Raiders played their final home game before relocating next season to become the Las Vegas Raiders. Team slogans ‘Commitment to Excellence’ and ‘Pride and Poise’ will be joined by ‘Best Buffet & Loosest Slots in the NFL’.

A package thief in St. Paul, Minnesota left behind a handwritten note thanking the intended recipient for leaving it where it could be stolen. Police are baffled because the note was written in cursive with no spelling errors.

Aussie airline Qantas selected Airbus jets for their planned 19-hour nonstop flights from Australia to the U.S. They said they may change their mind and buy Boeing if passengers decide they want unexpected nosedives to help break up the long trip.

After postponing his ‘Big Tour’ for three months to spend time with his family and newborn daughter, Chance the Rapper canceled it altogether. The Big Tour is now renamed the No Chance Tour.

Accuweather meteorologist John Gresiak said 25 million Americans will see varied precipitation on Monday, from sleet to freezing rain, that he calls a “mixed bag of glop”. Thousands more Americans will also see a mixed bag of glop on Monday when they hit the Arby’s drive-thru.

The Department of Justice is investigating an Iowa psychiatric care facility for conducting “human arousal studies” on residents with mental challenges. The study was to determine if people living in Iowa in December could still become aroused.