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Samantha Ramsdell of Connecticut – who shares videos stuffing whole sandwiches in her mouth – is now recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the Woman with World’s Largest Mouth. Guinesss named 2 billion other women runners-up.

Molson Coors is discontinuing 11 budget beer brands, including Keystone Ice, Miller High Life Light and others. They still plan to make the beers, but label them as Sweatsock-Flavored Hard Seltzer.

GOP Senator Lindsey Graham, who is vaccinated against COVID-19, announced he has a ‘breakthrough infection’ of the virus. This surprised observers who assumed Graham’s next breakthrough infection would be bathhouse gonorrhea.

The CDC added 16 destinations to a list of places with “very high” likelihood of COVID-19 transmission, including Greece, Ireland, and Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Crossfit gym.

A woman on a Cape Cod, Massachusetts beach fought off an approaching coyote with a stick before she was rescured by a fisherman. The woman thanked the manufacturers of ACME sticks, whose products reliably foil coyote attacks.

A couple bought a Skippack, Pennsylvania farmhouse and found a colony of 450,000 bees living in the walls that had been there for an estimated 35 years. The bees were moved to a farm, where they’re glad they don’t have to pay property taxes anymore.

Rapper DaBaby apologized for inflammatory anti-gay remarks he made from the stage at the Rolling Loud music festival. He says it’s about time he started acting like DaGrownup.

Wrestling legend Ric Flair has been released from his contract by promoter Vince McMahon’s WWE. Flair now requires a chair lift to get to the top of the turnbuckle.

Jeff Bezos is no longer the World’s Richest Person after his net worth dropped $13.5 billion due to an Amazon share price drop amidst disappointing earnings. Bezos, for now, yields the title to Some Other Arrogant Asshole.

New York City restaurants will require proof of vaccination before diners will be seated indoors after waiting an hour to sit next to the restrooms.

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Apple says they’re going ‘all in’ on 5G technology in 2022, with factories hiring thousands of fifth graders.

Jeff Bezos gifted $100 million ‘Courage & Civility’ Awards to chef Jose Andres and CNN anchor Van Jones, so they can continue charitable work. Finalists are not yet announced for the Donald Trump ‘Cowardice & Hostility’ awards, but multiple January 6th rioters are in the running.

Joe Pytka, director of the original ‘Space Jam‘ movie, said ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy” is so boring he couldn’t finish it in one sitting. It’s one of the most scathing criticisms an 82-year-old has ever leveled against a children’s cartoon.

Provincetown, Massachusetts, a popular gay-friendly Cape Cod tourist destination, is experiencing a surge in COVID cases, causing officials to require guests & residents to wear masks with mouth holes.

The Milwaukee Bucks won the NBA title, but gunfire outside their home arena in the postgame celebration sent three people to the hospital with Buckshot wounds .

A COVID-positive Indonesian man was arrested for disguising himself as his wife so he could board a domestic flight on a local airline. He was discovered by the drunken groper in the adjacent seat.

“Floating breakfast” is a growing trend in the hospitality industry; it describes breakfast served in pools or hot tubs at luxury resorts, or, at Ramada Inns, the continental breakfast dumped into the toilet.

Kanye West threw a listening party for his new album in Las Vegas, which morphed into traffic jam at the parking lot exit halfway through the listening party.

Cecil County Maryland broke ground on what will be the biggest Great Wolf Lodge, a 700-room hotel and largest indoor water park – also home to the world’s largest concentration of water-borne bacteria.

A Philadelphia bakery apologized after making a cake honoring a police officer’s service anniversary with a Philadelphia Police Department logo reading ‘Coffee Donuts Corruption’ instead of ‘Honor Integrity Service’. The cop still ate the cake along with coffee & donuts.

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La La Anthony filed for divorce from her husband, NBA star Carmelo Anthony. She’s expected to receive a Lot Lot of Al Al Alimony.

An Israeli study finds unhappy marriages lead to premature death of husbands. That, and wives learn to shoot guns during their required time in the Israeli Army. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Las Vegas Raiders defensive tackle Carl Nassib became the first active NFL player to come out as gay. His announcement is expected to inspire a lot of embarrassing NFL tryouts from other gay guys.

An elephant crashed into the kitchen of a house in Thailand looking for food. Disappointed, the elephant sat down and called Grubhub.

Khloe Kardashian said that she’s “done” and will not get back together with baby daddy Tristan Thompson ever again, adding there are other fish in the NBA.

A man fell 500 feet to his death from the summit of California’s Mount Russell in the Sequoia National Park, and a woman fell 30 feet and was injured while trying to grab him. “I’mma wait here” said the third person in their hiking party.

The Trump Organization is suing after New York City terminated a contract with them to manage the Ferry Point golf links in the Bronx. Golfers are also disappointed, because Trump scorekeepers gave every player the course record.

One of the deadliest plants in the U.S. – poison hemlock – is now blossoming in Ohio and parts of Pennsylvania. Children in Ohio and Pennsylvania are busily convincing parents that broccoli is, in fact, poison hemlock.

The PA Ballet officially changed its name to the Philadelphia Ballet. To celebrate their new identity, they’ll kick off the summer season performing Swan Lake With Handguns.

Officials at Cape Cod beaches say there’s a lifeguard shortage, so swimmers may have to “swim at their own risk”. They also say not to be fooled by sharks spinning a whistle in their fin.