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The city of Philadelphia is suing e*cigarette maker Juul for creating a “dangerous health epidemic”. Hearing the news, every cheesesteak shop in the city lawyered up.

A bakery in Hatboro, Pennsylvania is selling $4 cookies bearing the name of Trump or Biden, then tracking purchases to see who wins the ‘Cookie Election’. The real losers of that election are dopes who pay $4 for a cookie.

The NFL said they’re “reimagining” the Pro Bowl. They’re imagining they’ll skip it.

Amy Coney Barrett was asked by a GOP Senator what Five Freedoms are guaranteed by the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. She replied freedom of speech, religion, press… Wham! ‘Freedom’ and George Michael ‘Freedom ’90’.

Maki, a 21-year-old ring-tailed lemur, is missing from the San Francisco Zoo. Zoo officials believe he was stolen, but other lemurs say he just went out because he’s finally old enough to drink.

The British government announced tougher coronavirus restricitions on London due to a surge in cases. It’s so bad, dolls have to sit six feet apart at tea parties.

John Cena married girlfriend Shay Shariatzadeh at a lawyer’s office in Florida on Monday. Shay Shariatzadeh-Cena becomes the world’s longest celebrity tongue-twister.

A Russian Soyuz rocket arrived at the International Space Station just three hours after launch – a new record. Despite the fast service, the Grubhub driver left without a tip.

Barron Trump tested positive for COVID-19, then it was determined a different kid took the test for him.

Amazon Prime Day concluded, marking the official kickoff to UPS Back Spasm Days.

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Researchers found evidence that the longest snake native to North America is breeding in the wild in Alabama – where it’s attached to a redshirt freshman for the Crimson Tide.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are reportedly “still reeling” from Harry & Meghan’s royal exit. They’re apparently overwhelmed having to pick up the slack telling Harry & Meghan’s servants which chores to do.

The Chinese market designated ‘Ground Zero’ for the deadly Wuhan coronavirus reportedly sold wolf, rat, snake, and other exotic meat. Vendors defended the practice, saying it’s all antibiotic-&-cage-free.

Shanghai Disney theme park is closing over the Lunar New Year holiday because of the epidemic, saying they couldn’t find face masks big enough for Goofy & Donald.

New York City is reportedly planning to ban cashless businesses. They say the city’s panhandlers are starving to death trying to collect money with Venmo.

A 51-year-old Massachusetts woman was arrested for pooping eight separate times in the parking lot of a sporting goods store. Police spotted her defecating out the door of her SUV, then moved in. Cops are calling it “the worst stakeout ever.”

Retired MLB star Alex Rodriguez joined Anheuser-Busch as a co-owner of the beer maker’s Presidente brand. Like A-Rod, the brewer is expected to repeatedly lie about what’s in it.

Uniontown KOA in Pennsylvania’s Allegheny Region as named KOA’s 2020 Campground of the Year. It was praised for its modern amenities, and for being next to a nice hotel where you can stay instead.

An Outback Steakhouse in Oregon is testing video surveillance to monitor server interaction with customers, speed of food delivery, and how much spit is in the Bloomin Onions.

Two women – a doctor and a reality tv star – are opening a new vaginal rejuvenation clinic in Philadelphia. The grand opening is today, after months spent on necessary steps like getting a cheesesteak vending license and hazmat certification.