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France reelected President Emmanuel Macron, defeating far-right candidate Marine Le Pen, who is going back to Le Drawing Board.

Maci Currin, a 6-foot 10-inch tall Texas teenager with the Guinness record for World’s Longest Legs at 4-feet 5-inches, has joined Only Fans, so that old creeps can answer the question ‘Do they go all the way up?’.

Fitbit is offering deep discounts for fitness trackers this Mother’s Day, for those looking to kickstart Mom’s fitness plans and also kickstart the end of their marriage.

A huge wildfire is raging in southwest Nebraska. Officials are trying to summon a tornado to put it out.

A Texas food delivery company is offering $10,000 for someone to do taste tasting in June & July and become the company’s Chief Taco Officer. They’ve received 75,000 applications from neighboring Mexico.

119-year-old Kane Tanaka of Japan, the World’s Oldest Person, died. She was memorialized in a statement from the World’s Second Oldest Person, who then died.

Health officials in Congo report a new outbreak of Ebola. They’re doubly concerned because of the refusal of fruit bats to get vaccinated.

The first all-private team of ‘space tourist’ astronauts aboard the International Space Station will undock from the station and begin their trip home. They’re now pre-boarding military personnel and those who need a little extra time to get settled.

Amber Fillary broke her own world record by swimming 295 feet, 3 inches beneath the ice of a frozen Norwegian lake. She surfaced by breaking through the ice with her nipples.

A North Carolina woman whose doorbell camera alerted her to activity on her front porch saw that a snake had slithered in front of the camera. When she got to the porch, the snake had left behind a brochure for replacement windows.

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An Indian woman in Maharashtra state survived after fighting off a tiger with a stick when the tiger attacked her goat. The woman suffered injuries to her head, legs, hands and waist — but was still able to make goat stew for dinner.

Mark Zuckerberg will testify before a U.S. House committee on April 11th. “Please Like and Share!” said the chairman of the committee.

Apple hired away John Giannandrea, Google’s head of artificial intelligence. Google is expected to backfill the vacancy by promoting the clone of himself Giannandrea created while he still worked there.

Taco Bell introduced three new items to its dollar menu.  Michelin responded by delaying the release of its 3-star restaurants for 2018.

Deerfield, Illinois voted to ban the possession, sale and manufacture of assault weapons, but accepted an offer from the NRA to provide Deerfield residents with free weekly round-trip bus rides to Chicago.

Fast-casual food chain Moe’s Southwest Grill announced that they’re looking for a new CTO – Chief Taco Officer.  Moe’s claims to be choosing finalists via a social media vote, but have also hired a search firm to recruit high-ranking executives with heart disease.

Saudi Arabia will fine couples $130,000 for snooping through each other’s text messages. The fines can be paid retroactively after billionaire sheiks murder one of their wives for cheating on them.

Fighter Canelo Alvarez was forced to cancel his middleweight title rematch with Gennady Golovkin, after Alvarez tested positive for banned substance Clenbuterol, which Alvarez said he ingested by eating a Mexican steak. In other news, Mexican bullfights have been canceled after the bulls tested positive for Clenbuterol.

Facebook is rewriting in ‘plain English’ its Terms Of Service and Data Use Policy. Users clicking through to see how Facebook uses their personal data will find a statement reading simply “we’re taking and selling all of it.”

Tinder is testing a new video feature, Tinder Loops, which the company said will give users a way to see what creeps and skanks look like when they’re moving.