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A woman who’d just had her eyelashes done was attacked by the beautician’s pet chihuahua, who tore off the woman’s eyelid. The victim said it happened quickly, in what would have been the blink of an eye.

A judge in Dr Dre’s divorce case just declared Dre officially single – or, as it’s known in legal terminology, Pimp.

The largest-ever peer-reviewed study of food-induced inflammation was just completed, after researchers were able to acquire 2,000 buckets of KFC.

A same-sex female couple at Pennridge High School in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to be crowned as two prom queens – though their titles are being contested by the gay male couple that finished second.

Ticks carrying Lyme disease have been found on California beaches. They differ from East Coast woodland ticks because of their four-legged board shorts.

Two U.S. passengers on the Celebrity Millenium – the first major sea cruise since the pandemic shut down the cruise industry – were put in isolation after their norovirus vomit tested positive for COVID-19.

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin returned to the network, following an 8 month suspension for masturbating during a Zoom call with other journalists. Toobin will soon take a brief paternity leave once his pregnant mouse pad gives birth.

E! aired the series finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, marking the last you’ll see of them for a couple minutes.

The Consumer Price Index rose by the highest margins since the Great Recession. It’s so severe, Atlantic City hookers raised prices 50%, to $7.50.

Donald Trump used the Department of Justice to seize information from Congressional Democrat’s iPhones because he suspected they were leaking sensitive information – and because he thought there may be pics of their wives or girlfrends.

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The U.S. Army may change the eligibility rules for burial in Arlington National Cemetery. One rule expected to remain unchanged is that you need to be dead.

The original crossbreeder of Labradoodle dogs says he regrets creating “Frankenstein’s monster”, citing his opinion that the dogs are either crazy or have a hereditary problem. His complaints are echoed by the guy who spent years trying to cross Great Danes and Chihuahuas.

A woman author, Katee Robert, released a new series of books, Wicked Villains, that feature Disney villains in kinky erotic scenarios. They’re so hot, Donald Duck walked in on Daisy Duck reading one with her pants off.

The NBA is reportedly requiring all teams to certify player’s height & weight during the first week of training camp. “Fine, but what’s with the fingerprints and DNA samples?” asked NBA players.

Inspire Brands, owner of Sonic, Arby’s and Buffalo Wild Wings, is acquiring Jimmy John’s sandwich shops. Inspire’s CEO said they wanted another brand to give customers heart disease, but a lot slower.

A gas station owner in Maryland has completely transitioned it to charging electric vehicles. The owner said he was frustrated with the way petroleum suppliers structured contracts, and that he wasn’t meeting enough douchebags.

The Anti-Defamation League said in a new report that the “OK” hand gesture is now a hate symbol. So stick to “thumbs up” at your kid’s soccer game to tell them they’re doing a great job.

Residents of San Francisco neighborhoods are trying to keep the homeless off the streets in front of their homes by placing large boulders on the sidewalk. They say the idea came from not seeing any homeless drug addicts in Bedrock.

Facebook will hide the number of Likes a post gets in order to minimize envy. Users will now just post how many Likes they got from previous posts in order to restore envy.

Uber is creating an incubator for new business ideas – because they want to give business opportunities to leering creeps who don’t own or drive a car.