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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.

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Donald Trump signed the trillion-dollar COVID relief and government funding bill, but promised a line-by-line edit of the 5,000 page bill to reduce wasteful spending. In other news, Barron got two boxes of red ink pens in his stocking.

The World Health Organization claims a new mutant strain of supergonorrhea is on the rise during the pandemic. They recommend limiting its spread with condoms or genital distancing.

Investigators concluded the Nashville bomber killed himself when his RV exploded, but it was still more fun than most camping trips.

Masked Singer host Nick Cannon and partner Brittany Bell welcomed a baby girl, Powerful Queen Cannon. If it was a boy, they’d have named him either Powerful King Cannon, or Floyd.

Airlines may require travelers in 2021 to present a “vaccine passport”. Spirit Airlines may let passengers board the plane, then vaccinate themselves with needles other passengers leave behind.

Health officials warn nose-picking is contributing to the spread of COVID-19. They reiterate the importance of washing your hands prior to picking anyone’s nose.

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide the case of a 9th grade girl who was suspended from cheerleading for a year for posting the f-word on Snapchat. Before the court rules, Chief Justice John Roberts asked “why the f**k are we even hearing this case?”

Sarasota, Florida was named The Best Place To Retire in the U.S. by U.S. News & World Report. It was also named The Easiest Place To Chase Down A Meal by Alligator Dining magazine.

Actress Lori Loughlin was released from prison, before a live captive audience.

Philadelphia residents are encouraged to drop their natural Christmas tree at a local farm, where goats eat it. The goats ask that you just drop off the tree and leave, since they’re tired of talking about what went wrong with the Eagles.